Seeds of Change

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine 

I remember the first time I blew a dandelion clock, I made the huge mistake of inhaling hard before blowing, ending up with a mouthful of fluffy seeds that choked me until my nose bled.  

Never being one to allow such an incident to hinder doing it again and again, I would pick these little bubbles of fluff whenever I spied  them, watching those tiny seeds drift out into the world seemingly lighter than air, where they would settle and flourish wherever they landed.

Drawing the 8 of Spring and The Empress today, I couldn't see how the 8 of Spring related to a traditional 8 of Wands.  Looking at these dandelion clocks, undisturbed by the fairy's movement, is reminiscent of the ones I picked that were not quite ready to dispatch their seeds. The ones where no amount of huffing and puffing would set the potential life airborne.  And this is what I feel this combination is telling me.

It's no good trying to force things to happen just yet, things need their own time to fully blossom before allowing the natural progression to take place.  Just keeping a watchful eye on seeing things reach their best chance of travelling as far possible with no intervention. Allowing them to just be as they are at the moment means I can give myself a better chance of being able to create something that stands a much better chance of growing into something better, stronger and more fruitful in the long term.

So I'm not rushing anything just yet, I'm just going to see how far my little seed gets once its ready to make its own way out in the world. 

Cosmetic Spending and The Devil Within.

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh. 

Having sat working through my Rituals for Living planner, I've amended my goals to a more realistic level. One of my main challenge areas has been finances and its time to get a grip.

Like the majority of people worldwide, money gets tighter every month, as the financial institutions that run our planet tighten their choke hold on its ordinary citizens. And as I look at where my money goes (or went in 2015) I notice that so much went where I thought I wanted it to go, instead of where it probably should have gone.

A tasty cappuccino at Costa (sorry Starbucks but until you pay your share of corporate taxes I ain't buying), a pre-packaged sandwich there and it starts to mount up. Really mount up. Add into that, the books, the card decks and the other pretty shiny 'needful' things that find their way into my shopping basket, I realised that bemoaning the fact I am always broke is quite ironic.  Worrying about rent, fuel bills, petrol and the other necessities seems quite hypocritical, especially in a world where to a lot of people, a safe roof over their heads is just a dream. 

So taking note of my cards today, Ego (The Devil) and 2 of Winter, I realise that I participate too readily in 'work, buy, consume, die' vortex.  My justification is that I work, so why shouldn't I reward myself? But who am I really rewarding, because by the middle of the month I am scraping pennies together to survive, having convinced myself I'll budget better the following month. Not facing the harsh truth that I am in a self made trap.

I don't need these things, I just want them, convinced by the devil on my shoulder that I deserve them, I'm allowed a treat, and it'll make me feel goooooood, it'll distract me from the real issues.    

So my planner is now set up to make me accountable for unnecessary spending.  I have notes in my purse that ask me 'do I want or do I need?'  My bank card has a note wrapped around it telling me to pause, breathe and decide, is this emotional spending or survival spending?

We all deserve a treat, but a treat is something that is occasional, mine were habits, bad ones that promised me I'd feel good/better/happier.

In reality I felt no such thing, I felt disappointed at my lack of self restraint, unhappy that my bank balance looked so bleak and stressed that I'd be living on beans on toast for days on end.

It's going to be tough, but in the grand scheme of things, I have coffee in the house, I can make a sandwich to pop in my bag to take with me to work. It'll be even tougher not looking at deck reviews, and listening to the hype on the next must have deck, only reading books I have in my collection and not succumbing to new releases.  

It's time to be brutal and look at my culpability in my lack of finances and learn to ignore the devil on my shoulder, encouraging myself to buy, buy, buy,  whispering to me that I'm worth it.  Maybe I should call it L'Oreal, 

Slipping Along Life's Journey

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine

Leaving the drama and trauma of yesterday behind, it seems today is the day I can start to think about thinking about starting to work towards some goals.

Turning the page on another unwritten chapter of life can really seem quite daunting, however, if the chapter was pre-written, there would be no adventure, no discoveries and no lessons to learn along the way . How boring and tedious life would be.

I used to believe the adage 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going', yet sometimes the tough need to pause and plan,  instead of blundering blindly ahead. It sometimes takes a strategy and careful decisions to see what direction the 'tough' should be heading.

So today's cards, Princess of Winter and The Empress come to show me, it's time to start being realistic, make goals within the current strength of my mindset. Take baby steps, (instead of trying to run before I can walk, as that ground looks very slippy under her feet). All it takes to make something big is that very first active step, tend to it and encourage it and it should grow with each little step I take.

So I'm not writing my new chapter, I'm just going to start the first sentence, because that is all it takes.

Time and Tide....

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine 

This deck is really surprising me with its messages and bluntness.  

The daunting task of clearing a recently departed loved ones living space, has been something I have been trying to avoid.  The finality of that last physical connection being severed seems overwhelming, although I know deep within that it is inevitable.  

Delaying the process will only make it harder, but facing the reality just re-opens the painful wound.

Drawing VIII Release (Death) and the 9 of Spring seems to point out that delaying the process is only storing up trouble for the future.  Going through the action of removing his last physical trace is going to happen, whether I participate or not.  

It needs to happen and may bring some closure and with that the grief process can move through its stages.  The longer I hold out, the harder it will get and thus my ability to deal with new challenges could be compromised.

So I have cleared my schedule of other distractions and set a time tomorrow afternoon, when help will be on hand.  I shall roll up my sleeves and concentrate on the task at hand. I've no doubt it will be a tearful time, I know I'll stall over disposing of certain items, hoping for some solid reminder of the life that is no more.  

But this is release, it is letting go and it is leaving a chapter of my life on a now read page. It's the start of, not so much something new, but of life being different, accepting it is now so and being unable to change that means surrendering to the flow, but without flow their is no ebb, it's all part of the cycle. 

Today Has Been Cancelled

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine.
Published by Hay House.

Sometimes just trusting that spirit gives us what we need in troubled times can be difficult to see.  Having made so many plans and set several goals for the coming year, I am coming to realise that I use some as distractions and others to allow my self sabotage to thrive.

Procrastination is a time consuming habit, it takes huge amounts of energy to find excuses to avoid doing what needs to be done. It can be quite exhausting  (there is excuse number 1, being too tired). 

Today's cards are in answer to my question 'what do I need to know about achieving my goals for this year?'  

The cards seems to be telling me, to 'curb the enthusiasm', to stop planning to move mountains before I've dealt with clearing away cobwebs. 

Using the Fairy Tarot (Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine) the 4 of Winter and 3 of Winter tells me that I need to take some breathing space, not rush into projects and throw myself into distraction.  I need to step back and really process the events that have left me feeling emotionally battered.  

I see the 3 of Winter as having the elderly man for wisdom, the young girl for new thinking and the bear, which to me, symbolises great power, protection and nuturing.  So by stepping back allowing myself to actually feel the pain and sorrow, I know I can come through my current situation. 

So my deadlines are being moved, my goals, less grandiose and time allotted for some spiritual healing.

New Year, New Me.

As we enter another year I would like to wish everyone their best year yet.  Like a lot of people I have made my plans and set my goals for 2016. I do it every year but somehow I seem to come derailed and end up way off course or fail to implement even the first steps. 

This year though, I reach an important milestone and have made a decision to get serious with where I am heading.  I have invested in an invaluable tool to help me organise and prioritise, namely the Rituals for Living Dreambook and Planner. I love the simplicity and elegance of it and the way it gets me envisioning my ideal life.

This is what I need, something to keep me focussed by breaking down the bigger goals into bite size pieces.
This is a year for deep inner work on the scars that won't heal, finding how they affect me, my family and friends and my life choices.

2015 seemed to start well, I had mapped out my 12 month plan which seemed to be developing as I'd hoped  However, towards the later end of the year I was dealt some serious emotional blows and I suffered a number of heart wrenching losses, one after the other.  

Feeling like my healing journey had been set back I allowed myself to sink deeper into old habits, self sabotage and spiritual neglect.  Projecting externally the person others believed I was, whilst inside I felt I was unravelling slowly.  

There has been a turning point, a rude awakening as it were.  Someone that I had the good fortune to meet this past year sent me such a lovely message, even though I see this person most days, they felt a less confrontational and more indirect approach was better.  They had noticed the grey cloud over me, they waited for me to open up.  When I failed to do so they made that move, offered me support, gave me a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

That was when the realisation hit me,  that even though the souls we are closely connected to, that have passed from this life have left a void, there are other souls still on this plane of existence that can build new places in our hearts.  For everyone I've lost this year, I have gained others, and for these new connections, I need to be present.  I need to keep growing.  

So today is the first day of 2016 and the first day of a focused, determined me.  To work on the wounds that every so often, break open, to recognise that I have a support network that can help me grow.

My first daily draw for 2016 was a very poignant one and came from a deck that I surprised myself by actually falling a little bit in love with.  I am open about my dislike of sugar coated decks, and the oracle/tarot market saturation by this person, however the Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine is my chosen deck for myself at the moment.  I feel I'm in a place that needs some TLC and gentle persuasion, and this deck gives me that.
It may not last for long, but for now it is exactly what I need.

So today I asked what energy is around me and drew The Star, the second card is 'because' and I drew The Chariot.

 Looking at these cards tells my energy is one of optimism and hope, that there is healing happening because I have taken the reins of my life's direction.
What better way to start the year?

Boredom to Roar-dom

It feels so long since I wrote anything here, and I  reality, it is.

I stepped out for a while, feeling that possibly, I had come to a place where I didn't have much to say.  Immersed in other pursuits, I allowed time to run away from me, feeling that the things I wanted to blog about were being covered, more eloquently and with more experience than I could portray.

But having spent the past few months 'down the rabbit hole' the one thing I have learned is that everybody's voice matters. 

So, as much as I may sometimes not be mainstream or conventional and be waaaaaay out of the box, I can still allow myself to rumble in the background. 

What I speak is from the heart, it only takes other lions among the flock to hear my little roar, to recognise kinship, and have the courage to just be who they truly are.  

Osho Zen Tarot

It's time to be heard, to be seen and to have the courage to stand in our own truth. Remove the illusion that, if what you think, feel or believe doesn't conform then you are wrong.  
Who made the rules anyway?  
Sometimes breaking them is the only way to free ourselves from the societal restrictions that stop us being who we are meant to be..........

In the words of a man who has done just that, we are all that ever was, is and ever can be.

A Surreality Check

Image from pixabay.com 

I love those random moments in life that make you stop and think, 'What the heck just happened?'

My cards for Monday were 4 of Swords, The Tower and The Fool.  My first thought was panic,  could it be that while I was sleeping my house would collapse and I'd have to become a vagrant. Luckily it was nothing so drastic, in fact my day took a very surreal turn.

Yes, Monday held one of those moments.  It was a moment that, afterwards, gave me such a good vibe, I could feel the positive energy just oozing from me.

I decided to join my daughter whilst she walked her unexhaustable dog Elphie through some local woods, as it was a beautiful day, sunny with a slight breeze, and far too nice to spend in the house.  I just felt the need to recharge my batteries with some earth energy and the woods was just the right place to go.

Now Elphie is a 5 month old Border Collie from farm stock, she is obedient, fast and tireless so a good walk was needed to burn some excess energy, because walking for miles through the Yorkshire countryside the day previous just hadn't cut the mustard with her.

After slipping her leash in the woods, Elphie  found a pug who seemed more than happy to play, and as we walked a conversation between the pug's owner and ourselves started.  There was an energy coming from him that seemed to click with me immediately, however my daughter thought I'd lost all reasoning, as I am usually very guarded around strangers.

However, this man was interesting, articulate, quirky even, and the conversation felt easy and refreshing.  As we meandered along the track, the pug's owner asked if we knew what the building on the river bank opposite was.  When  I looked through the trees, I was so taken aback, as the building was actually the farm where Elphie, the dog, was born, her birth home.  

Not realising that we had walked so far from our usual path, this lovely man kept us talking, he asked about our jobs, our family and about Elphie.  But surprisingly it didn't feel odd, it was a comfortable conversation, there was a familiarity about him, but I could not recall from where.

He took us walking on paths and tracks we had never been on before, showed us some of the best views of the woods and before we knew it we had been walking for almost an hour and a half.  Both dogs still going strong.

When we eventually returned to the car park, we were re-leashing the dogs, when this gent, eventually introduced himself.  And then the penny dropped, he is a stand up comic, well known, and just back from the Edinburgh Festival.

I couldn't believe we had spent nearly 2 hours with him, rambling and chatting about life in  general, laughing at the intricacies of life and had totally failed to notice who he was.  But he was a pleasure to talk to, down to earth and engaging.  He had shared things about his personal life, his family and the love for his dog.  We talked about toddler tantrums, our rather more comical parenting fails, and our jobs-we-hate-but-have-no-choice-but-to-do.

And the nicest thing, the thing that really lifted me, was the way he thanked my daughter and I for making his walk a joy and sharing our day with him.  He thanked Elphie as well for keeping his dog company too. 

But here was a man, with tv appearances under his belt, a venue at the Edinburgh Festival and who does nationwide comedy tours, thanking us for making his day.  It certainly made me feel, somehow humble, that my company (and my daughters) in a rather bizarre situation would be seen as something special.

It definitely instills my belief that, being true to who you really are, being honest and open and accepting of others, brings a certain energy that can be seen and felt by others.  Of all the dog walkers in those woods, how had it been us who clicked?  The strangest thing is this man's dog doesn't usually enjoy the company of other dogs, Elphie is usually very submissive to other dogs, and yet they played chase, hide and seek like old friends, but never went far from us or each other. 

Maybe these dogs sensed the energy flow, maybe it was their energy that drew us humans together.  I will probably never know, all I know is, out of the many bizarre days I have had in my life (and oh boy! there have been many), this one stands out on top.  I mean how many times in your life do you ramble through the woods with a celebrity and his dog in tow and to be thanked for your company, for being entertaining, interesting and 'real'. 

For me, I feel that never would I have seen any of this when I pulled my cards that morning, but looking back, it made perfect sense, in a surreal kind of way.

On The Road To Somewhere

Image from www.pixabay.com

After a huuuuuge hiatus, I'm back.  I make no excuses or apologies.  I needed time away, so I gave myself permission to take it.

I haven't been entirely idle, I have embraced the time and utilised it to do some much neglected art journalling, reading, and catching up with myself.  I even went back over my Self Love September notes from last year, just to see how far I had come.  So imagine my absolute joy when I heard Kelly-Ann was doing another one this year.  
You can find the details HERE 

When I started the Self Love September last year, I had, 6 months earlier, come out of a severe depressive episode, I was still fragile, sensitive and having days when even getting dressed seemed like an insurmountable task.  I had thrown myself into my tarot studies more as a distraction than anything.  It was something I realised that the people around me didn't comprehend, so it became a way to shut myself off from them.  I had never realised there was such a big community on the internet until I stumbled onto youtube.  That was my turning point, when I realised that this was something that wasn't a distraction, it was actually my focus.  

Doing practice spreads whilst I was reading the copious amount of tarot books I had, made me realise that the cards were giving me help........ not predictions, but actual advice.  VIII Strength was my stalker, as was XIII Death and XVI The Tower.  At first my understanding of these 3 cards was skewed, I felt it was predicting more trouble, more problems, until I began to realise they were actually trying to help me get my life back on track.

All I wanted was the 'old me' back, to feel the way I used to about life, it was like a mantra, I would cry every morning, beg every night for this. Eventually I realised those cards were trying to tell me, I would never be the 'old me'.  My situation had ensured that could not be.  I had to leave the 'old me' behind, if I didn't I wouldn't have learned the lesson I needed to, that my life was being who others wanted me to be and it wouldn't get any better if I didn't make the change.  What I had to do was accept the 'me' that I was now. 

As The Tower was telling me, everything I had before, everything I believed, trusted and 'knew' was gone.  I had to build a new foundation, one from my own strength and build it back up.  It was slow sometimes unsteady, I felt like I was having to metaphorically keep taking bricks out that didn't fit and replace them.  I'm still "under construction' but I am getting there.

Once I found the online community, my mental state began to improve, here were people I could learn from, talk with, share ideas with and they didn't have to know my past, I didn't even have to get dressed to speak with them, they wouldn't know if I was in my PJ's at 3pm nor would they probably care.

So when I read about Self Love September 2014, I knew I had to do it.   Having followed The Four Queens' blog and YouTube channel for a while I realised this young woman was someone very special, with something amazing to give.  I felt that Self Love could benefit me, it was what I was lacking in my foundation.  Prior to participating, I was too busy appeasing everyone around me, the usual responses from me were; 
No, really, it's fine.
Of course I don't mind.
If you want me to.
No, don't apologise, it's just me being oversensitive.

Now I happily stand in my own power, because the 'me' I became has needs and wants, just as much as everyone around me.  If I can't address those with priority then how can I address other people's.  If I'm not happy at core level, how am I to to be happy for others.  My responses also address my needs too, they have become;

I'm not able to as I have other commitments  (even if that commitment is soaking in a bubble bath, I promised it to myself and you don't break promises especially to those you love).
I don't want to go........ (insert activity/place you have absolutely no interest in here) as it's not my 'thing'.
No! (no further explanation needed to justify this)
I haven't blogged, because I wanted to do something else.

Last year helped me so much to start to understand that I was important, I have a spirit that needs nurturing, an inner child that needs to play, and the inner strength to be and do these things

So I am eagerly anticipating September I know I'll be participating, journalling, creating and reaffirming that I am indeed special, as we all are.  If we can't tell ourselves that and believe it, then it will make no difference, at our core level, how many times other people tell us.

This time 4 years ago, I was in hell. 
This time last year I was in the proverbial tunnel, walking towards that glimmer of light.
And now, I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.

Seratonin and SCUBA Diving

Found on Pinterest

Anyone who has ever suffered with depression can tell you, it is a cruel taskmaster.  So it was lovely to see Kelly-Ann aka The Four Queens speak candidly about her experience with depression in this video.  She is so eloquent and calm in her delivery of what I feel is a very honest and open dialogue about her mental health history, and her acceptance of this part of her life is reassuring to others who may be currently battling with acceptance of their own.  I know my daughter has learned to accept herself more through certain videos from Kelly-Ann and accepts her scars as something that manifested itself in her, but does not need justifying to others.  The people who matter to my daughter don't need to ask, the people who ask do not matter.

So as a way of a response to the video I decided to have a ramble about my own battle and my feelings on the attitudes of depression.

Only in the past 2 year have I managed to pull myself out of the black hole that had me trapped for over 3 years.  It's been a long climb up the path of recovery, two steps forward, one step back most of the time.  I dealt with mine using a combination of medication, therapy and taking a proactive approach.  I can now say that I am free from the medication and no longer have therapy but I still check in with myself regularly, I still make that mental visit to see if there is anything that my 'inner friend' needs.  

I would like to think most people who have dealt with depression and come through the other side do this.  It's not alway easy though, to recognise the thought patterns that can  take them back to that dark place.  Sometimes it isn't possible to avoid going along that path again and again, as anyone with depression knows.

People are quick to judge someone with depression, as it is not an illness that is easily seen.  Most sufferers cover it up so well that when crisis happens, what I call 'The Abyss', people around are shocked, even surprised.  They wonder how it has happened, why it has happened, and the most common reaction is telling the sufferer that they should have told people they were struggling. When in reality the times that we do reach out, I found the most common responses were;

Oh, it'll sort itself out.
Everybody has problems 
Pull yourself together/get a grip
You'll be fine, you're a strong person.

I feel over the years, depression has been re-defined and not in a good way, by people who have no real understanding of it.  Depression has become something that has been relegated to the ranks of having a bad day.  But it is not ' a bad day', it is not feeling fed up because you didn't get what you wanted.  It is  certainly not shedding some tears in  the doctors office, in the hope they will give you an official letter, so your university will give you special dispensation on your degree score, as you were too busy living it up instead of studying.  (Yes, I have been witness to all of these cases of 'depression').

Then there are the people who do not realise depression is a chemical imbalance, the lack of seratonin, that anybody can develop. Even the most successful, wealthy, loved, respected and publicly adored.  Yet it seems common for others to judge by wondering what these people have to be depressed about.    It is not the exclusive realm of the lonely, poor and under appreciated.  My depression started when I was married, we had a very good income, respectable jobs even 2 holidays abroad every year.  But depression caught me in its web and now, single, working a low paid job and taking each day with acceptance for whatever may happen, and not judging mine or others choices, I am happier than I have been for many years.

Depression, real depression is that smothering, crushing feeling, when,  no matter how you try and look at things, there is nothing. There is no feeling of hope or joy, there is no feeling of worthiness, there is no feeling of understanding.  There is only fear, hopelessness, mistrust and a mental loneliness as your brain tells you that you are stupid, nobody cares, and what is the point when you are useless and fail at everything and nobody really likes you, they are just being polite (these were just some of my constant mental processes when I started down the slope).

 But the treatment of depression has to be a proactive one.  Medication works for most people but the individual's thought processes have to be worked on, altered and diverted.  If not, then the medication just masks the underlying  issues and the cycle of depression remains.  I had 3 different talking therapies, not all worked, everybody is different though and what didn't work for me can be the key for someone else.

My mother is a perfect example of what Kelly-Ann describes as cloaking oneself in their depression.  To my mother it defines who she is, it excuses her cruel side and feeds her need for attention and getting her own way.  She wears it as her badge of honour.  She has been on antidepressants for 20 years (since my father's death).  She refuses talking therapy, as she claims the therapists are useless and don't help.  She expects them to solve the issues and feels they should provide her with the answers that only she can give. 

She refuses to participate in anything that may be enjoyable unless it is something she wants to do, and if she does take part, she will criticise and complain for the duration, spoiling it for everyone else lest she is proven wrong and she has a good time.  

And yet she feels her happiness is everybody else's responsibility.  I don't judge her for it, she has no understanding of her illness and doesn't want to learn about it.  So I accept her as she is and arm myself mentally against any negativity she wants to throw out into the world.  For if she won't  help herself, then I, nor anyone else can do it for her.  

Ironically it was my mother who helped me recover, when she made the comment, after being medicated myself for almost 3 years, that I was going to end up like her, stuck on 'useless' drugs for the rest of my life.  My inner rebel sat up and thought no way am I turning into my mother.  My path for recovery was set, that very day.  

I knew there was some positive things in my life, I knew I could find that fun, loving person that was squashed so far down inside of me.  I knew I had to coax her back, gently with love, compassion and patience.  I had to wrap my arms and heart around the 'me' that the depressive mind had told me was gone and I never deserved anyway.  I had to dive deep, search through the murky depths and try and find that little glimmer of gold. Believe me it took some time to find it through the wreckage that lay covering it. Once I found that first little piece I went back every day and searched for more and more, until it was like I had found the actual treasure chest, where all the happiness lay.  I can not say I will never suffer any further episodes of depression, it is not something I plan on, however nobody ever does, but I know for now my life feels good I am happy with who and where I am and that is what matters more than anything. 

From Buckets to Bengalore, to Breakthroughs

XI Breakthrough.  Osho Zen Tarot.

 Being 'of a certain age', I have, over the course of the past six months, been writing my bucket list.  The idea being, once I hit my next birthday, I will start crossing things off, said list.  Some items on the list are relatively small things, such as going camping with my grandson.  Others are far more adventurous.

I've always had wanderlust, my mother calls it 'itchy feet syndrome', and doesn't understand why I want to investigate this wonderful planet we inhabit.  A bit rich coming from the woman who dragged two children under the age of four across to the other side of the world, and back again.  I feel being so transient in my younger years has left it's mark.

My parents emigrated to Australia in 1966 by sea, a journey of almost 7 weeks, and we travelled back to the U.K in 1971 in the same manner.  I can say I've been to some amazing places although cannot recall most of them now.  I do know I have been through the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal, I have sailed over the equator twice and have trinkets and souvenirs from places, that in my childhood, many people could only fantasise about.

When we arrived back to the U.K, we were effectively homeless, but my parents worked miracles going from lodging with relatives to buying a small 2 bedroomed flat, to a 3 bedroomed house within 2 years.

That never satisfied my mother though, she wanted bigger, better, more space, a bigger garden, a nicer area.  And so I was moved about more than most.

This has always been a part of my life.  I've never been one to want bigger and better though,  I just like investigating different places.  I've lived in rural areas, I've lived city centre.  I have done conventional and controversial but I always enjoy the adventure.

So there on my bucket list is the desire to live at an Ashram in India, it's a big wish as I fear flying, but there is such a strong pull for me to do it.  It is something of the long term goal as obviously I would need money for flights and back up, but I have my heart set on it and am planning ways in which to achieve it.  I cannot shake the feeling that this is something that I will regret not doing.

I have done  community living before, where everyone worked for one goal, that however was for the material benefit of a singular person.  It was hard work with no nurturing of the spirit, only relentless physical work.  This time I want to assist with something worthwhile, for the benefit of all beings, the benefit of this amazing planet and for the benefit of spiritual nourishment.

I asked the Osho Zen for a card to show how following this idea could help me grow and it gave me XI Breakthrough.  In brief, I feel this experience will break down any barriers I have about my spiritual growth, stripping me down to my very essence, giving me the chance to begin a whole new way of living my life spiritually for the better.

I think I've been given a big thumbs up from the universe, now all I need to do is start saving hard and getting my priorities set.  Time to address the unnecessary spending and relinquish the so called necessities, that in the cold light of day are little more than snacks for the ego.

Dealing With Personal Dementors

Wizards Tarot by Corrine Kenner and John Bluman

At some point in our lives we will cross paths with people who seem to only want to bring as much upset and disruption into our lives.

 

Being a huge Harry Potter fan,  I refer to these negative people as my Dementors.   Soul sucking beings who thrive on the misery they try and cause.

It now seems  strangely appropriate that when doing my daily draw this morning using The Wizards Tarot by Corrine Kenner that I pulled the 2 of Cups Reversed.  My first impression was 'who am I going to argue with and upset today'.  I had no plans except to go to puppy training class with my daughter and her pup,  Elphie.

Imagine my surprise when we arrived and noticed my ex husband's daughter was there.  Now I won't give reasons why he is an ex, as he is not able to respond, however the fault lay with him, some dubious websites and explicit photos of himself (well some people use the Internet as a learning resource, and others to exhibit what really shouldn't be in the public domain).

However anyone hearing his story would have a very different version of events.  Recently his daughter has been making some rather preposterous allegations to people, about myself and my daughter, some of whom I know, and who also know the truth.  But this girl was on a personal mission to dis-credit me and my family to anyone who would listen to her. She ensured that what she said sounded believable to those who don't know me well enough to know different.

The puppy class became a rather bizarre situation, although the ex step-daughter being strangely quiet (unusual for her).  We were in situation where we purposely did not even acknowledge each other's presence.  

Maybe she felt intimidated as she was by herself, I really don't know.  Me? I felt nothing, no anger, no need to confront her, nothing.  This for a girl who had been part of my life for 15 years.

So in hindsight,  my card was really letting me know this,  today would be about a broken connection with someone.  Someone who I no longer have any invested emotion in.  It was showing me that whatever bond there had been, no longer exists and as for my feeling nothing (almost like seeing a stranger at a crowded place), well those cups are upside down, they hold nothing. 

So to the friends who have told me I should have confronted her about her lies, I don't see where putting that energy into anger/upset or whatever else they thought I should have felt was even worth it  I was happier instead putting my positive energy and encouragement into Elphie, at least she learned how to sit.

Ladies and Gentlemen.....A Toast.

5 of Waters.  Osho Zen Tarot.

I love working with the Osho Zen Tarot.  It is a deck that helps guide me along on my spiritual path like a Rough Guide Handbook, pointing out the good places and not so good and takes you off the beaten track to those little areas not everyone has discovered.

I drew the 5 of Water (equivalent to Cups in RWS) in response to a question my daughter asked.  The gist of which, was, why did everything in her life keep turning out crappy.

Its sad, she is a beautiful young woman, with a gorgeous little boy.  She works hard at her job and at being a mum.  She's warm, friendly,funny, honest and touchingly niave, but she seems to keep hitting brick walls. 

As a child she was quiet and well behaved, but due to having to wear glasses form under the age of one, was bullied and ridiculed throughout her early school years.  As she got further through school, she had to wear braces on her teeth, so as kids do, she was yet again singled out and ridiculed.

However, as I kept telling her, my little 'ugly duckling' became the swan (she has a killer smile and te most beautiful eyes) but the damage was done, her self image was distorted and her confidence shattered.  It has taken many years to just begin to re-build what her school years took away.

So the 5 of Water Clinging to the Past seemed appropriate even though my daughter tells me she doesn't cling to the past, she says 'It's there, but filed away.'  So I began to tell her exactly how I see it.

She carries it around, frozen, part of her past that she doesn't want to deal with fully, so it is in the 'freezer compartment' of her memories.  Neatly stored in little parcels, every insult, every 'joke', every jibe, easily within reach on that special little shelf made for the ice cube trays.

The glass, behind the figure on the card, is waiting to be filled with all the good things, the experiences and events in life that we long to drink in.  Every time the promise of filling that glass comes up, like an automatic response, out come the ice cubes.   

Ice cubes made of shit, (not recommended but hey, its a metaphor) containing all the hard, cutting, hurtful things we have experienced in life, once dropped into that glass of hope and promise they aren't going to make the experience nice, it becomes tainted. 

It makes no difference how expensive the champagne, how good the quality of it, once that ice cube gets dropped in and starts to mix in, your champagne isn't going to taste good.  In fact it's going to taste of the same old shit that was held in the ice.

Maybe we need to check our 'freezer compartments' and acknowledge that there is some crap in there,  better still deal with one cube at a time, defrost it, check for any diamonds of clarity and pearls of wisdom we may have put in there by mistake that can be of some value,  and then flush the rest away, even ice has a use by date. 

We need to stop thinking our glasses need the ice cube, if you stop using ice, there is more room for champagne. 

Dealing with it one by one is possible, we all deserve to be able to raise our glasses up and savor the crisp, fresh taste of the delicious champagne that is our life. 

Warning! Detours Ahead.

As life seems to pull us away in directions we wouldn't choose to go, so it has been recently.  My commitments to family have meant investing time away from my own path and into helping others along theirs.

Thankfully though, I now have time to catch my breath and place some focus back into my life.

I do not begrudge one moment of stepping out of my journey and assisting where I am needed, I know that any time taken is accepted with gratitude. 

So after a period of absence I am happy to continue to where I am going.  Although I have no destination in mind, I am just enjoying the journey and sometime, like all long trips, a little stop off can be nice.

The card I pulled for today's blog inspiration was the Ace of Pentacles from Fairy Lights Tarot and elicits thoughts of boundless potential and unlimited resources, if you are prepared to do the work.

However, looking at the card again, I feel it fits so well with the past few weeks, having had to come away from my place of inner tranquility.  I have been walking along  a haphazard path, helping someone else realise their potential.  And now it leads me over the brink of the cliffs and down a path unseen while the promise of opportunity still shines over me.

So maybe that short detour wasn't in my plans, but it's been added to my map, almost as if I needed to have the company, the change of landscape and most of all, the challenge.  So maybe thats where my opportunity lies.

Right Here, Right Now

Fairy Lights Tarot by Lucia Mattioli

I love my tarot cards, each and every one.  Today I asked my deck to show me the card for this post as I was a bit lost on what to write (this is what happens when you take time away, it's difficult to get back into your stride).

Well my beloved and slightly bedraggled Fairy Lights Tarot was up for the quest.  It gave my the 6 of Wands.

Wow, it really knew what it wanted me to blog about, and I say thank you to it.

I've been away from  my blog for a while as I explained in my previous post, lost in books.  I just needed to get some stillness in my life, as things were starting to snowball a bit with family and health.  I felt I was having to be in two places at once and between family commitments and tarot reading commitments I was finding my time was very much spoken for.  

Modern living (not that I'm complaining) seems so good at finding ways to take that precious spare time and just zap it.  It starts with the checking of emails, then a quick look at my favourite websites.  Before you know it I've been lost in cyber world for over an hour.

T.V has the same effect.  Stopping us in our tracks and numbing the tick of the clock. Thus I decided, I needed to reclaim my precious time.  I no longer have a television.  I have written out a list of books that I have been wanting to read and made a specific order in which I am going to read them.

The biggest change though is that I am actively meditating twice every day, something that 'I didn't have time for' before.  My meditations were always crammed in to a spare 10 minutes whenever I could remember, and were never fulfilling. 

So the last month has been a bit of a retreat for me and the 6 of Wands here shows a woman, so still that she has taken root to the earth, she is connected and growing as part of it.  As she is transforming, becoming one with everything around her, all other things continue to go about their business.  She stands, present in the moment, yet still in her self.  

This is what the last month has been for me.  removing myself from the stuff that has been eating away my time, the stuff that in the true reality if things is not what is truly important.  It will pass, it will be gone from existence yet what remains is the now.  The calm peaceful stillness of now.  And I am enjoying life so much more.

  

A Prison of Our Own Making

8 of Swords, Rider Waite Smith.

Blindfolded, hands bound and surrounded by steely blades.

What is the situation that has this lady scared and unable or unwilling to move?  Is it a situation she has put herself in?  Has something else put her there?

Could it be she's a victim of bullying or verbal abuse?  Worn down by the constant cruel words, that she comes to believe they hold truth.  Trapped in a way of thinking that she no longer is able to see or function with true clarity.  What other people think and say to us has a massive impact on our psyche.  Tell a child of 4 or 5 years old that they are ugly often enough and that child grows into an adult with serious issues around their physical appearance.  Tell a person frequently that they are useless and they give up trying to reach for their dreams.  Words cause wounds, I dislike that adage I was taught when I was young, that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.  Sticks and stones cause bruising, possibly even a fracture, it is a visible wound, it heals.  Words cut to the core, the wounds are invisible but the scars are big.  Victims of abuse and bullying are not allowed to think there is a safe haven for them if they ever work their way out of the situation.  So there she stands back turned and eyes blinded to the security of the castle at the top of the cliff. 

Is she the same victim but is trying to analyse the situation and feels the need to close herself off to the emotions it evokes and stopping herself doing anything impulsive or making any rash moves?  I think we all try to rationalise our  less pleasant situations.  We try to work out if there is any logic in them.  We try and work a way out but first we need to stop and think clearly without external interference or allowing our emotions choose our next move.  This lady could follow the small flow of water at her feet to find a safe exit, but would that mean she is being guided by emotion and not logic?

Could this lady be someone with an eating disorder?  Punishing herself with her own harsh thoughts?  An inability to see the truth of her situation?  Eyes blindfolded by the illness, she does not see things as they truly are, her skewed thinking is caging her in, making her a prisoner of this cruel condition's poisonous thoughts?

The castle up on the cliff is the 'goal'.  If I can lose 1 pound today/ 8 pounds this week, then  I will be happier/ perfect/ prettier/more clever/popular and I can live happily ever after.  However those swords are pretty well placed and bloody sharp.  It then becomes easier to stay put, not able to see which to turn to reach your castle.

Is she an alcoholic/drug addict even some one in the darkest stages of depression?

When I see the figure 8, I see it as the lemniscate the infinity symbol, and as the lemniscate it depicts a cycle, the ebb and flow.  Whatever this lady's situation, it is a vicious cycle, there appears no way out, and she remains there,  seemingly quite unconcerned.  It may be more comfortable to stay put and not move away for fear of making the wrong move.  In the words of Albus Dumbledore, 'to choose what is right, or to choose what is easy'.

At the crux of the card is the uncomfortable feeling it gives the onlooker. You feel like shouting instructions to the lady guiding her by telling which way to turn to move safely out of her predicament.  But this is not what is needed.  The woman needs to do this on her own.  She will not find the solution from someone else's intervention, as hard and as uncomfortable that may make us feel.  Like I said before this is a cycle, it continues on and on until the lady herself (the central issue) works out for herself whether to shake her hands from their bindings, uncovers her eyes and finds her safe path up to the safety of the castle. 

She does not need 'rescuing'.  She needs to rescue herself.

Related To Royalty.

Queen of Swords, Tarot Illuminati by Erik.C.Dunne.

In the tarot world I always tell people my mother is the Queen of Swords, this is followed by the other person doing a sharp intake of breath and then usually a half laughing, half sympathetic, 'Oh dear'.

I love the depiction of the Queen in the Illuminati deck, as far as Queens go, the image of Elizabeth I is pretty accurate for me.

Trust me,this lady has balls.  She takes no prisoners when speaking.  She holds peoples' attention, not through her endearing qualities, but due to the fact that goodness help you if you interrupt her, or even worse, disagree with her.  Believe me, that tongue can be as cutting as the sword she proudly displays.

This lady does not speak in terms of how thing will feel, that is not a productive line of thinking for her.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't actually believe our lovely Queen Elizabeth I was the 'virgin queen' that history tells us.  I feel she was probably sidetracked by a dalliance or two, but this lady was the first female monarch in England, her father was a pretty tough act to follow.  This also in part to his many spouses, and his demise to syphilis was probably enough to put the poor woman off letting her heart rule her head (and other parts).

To hold her power this lady decided to go it alone.  She needed to be forthright and brave to defend her decisions for her country.  She was intelligent, and not afraid to let it be known that she would not be challenged in her decisions. At times she was emotionally cold, caring not for the begging and pleading of 'traitors' to spare them the chop.

This, my dear people is my mother to a 'tee'.  

My mother is great in a crisis, as long as you don't expect tea and sympathy.  Practical help and advice, that is her realm.  She can find a solution to most problems, and if not, she will find someone who can find the solution.

Ask for advice and she will freely give it, but take heed, if you go against that advice, it's 'Off with your head!'  You get both barrels and then the martyr act.  She can be good at the manipulation game.  Because where feelings are concerned, hers are the only ones that matter.  

She gives the impression that emotions are silly, unimportant, yours, that is!  Be aware that this lady is going to haul you kicking and screaming into a guilt trip alley, where she will proceed to rip you to shreds with that tongue of hers, if you dare to question her thinking.  Her favourite phrase in these situations is 'Well, I don't know why you bothered asking me, I wouldn't have wasted my time if I'd known you weren't going to take any notice (of the advice)'.

She can cut you down with a comment, and if that leaves you feeling upset or hurt, she will ask why you are upset, as she believes speaking the truth is always better than sparing someone's feelings.  Sometimes though its is not what someone needs, sometimes we need soothing, we desire understanding and we crave compassion.  

However, the Queen of Swords isn't all bad. When this woman is on your side, you have a strong ally.  Excellent with practical advice and tactical ideas, she will champion you whatever your cause. 

When there is a tough challenge ahead, this lady will stand up for you and fight for you.  She is not afraid to speak up for you, she is a defender just as much as she can be an attacker.  

She can cut through the Bulls**t of a situation when it becomes emotive.  She will seek both sides of the issue and deal with it in terms of facts.  She can cut away the murky undergrowth of a problem to show you a clear way of resolving it.  She can be the calm voice of reason when things look like they are careering into a the abyss of emotion. 

The Queen can be fiercely independent, she does not need a protector as she has her wits and intelligence to do that for her, and she will let you know, in no uncertain terms, when you cross the line with her. 

So, that pretty much sums up my mother, the woman who is my biggest ally and my worst enemy.  I do not doubt she loves me, although she rarely tells me and shows me even less.  She is my hardest critic, yet my best P.A.

She frustrates me with her black and white world.  She angers me with her off the cuff remarks.  She counsels me when the s**t hits the fan. She tells me what I need to know and sometimes, yes,it hurts, but once I've had time to let it sink in, I know that she is usually right.

So my Queen of Swords is a complex lady, but I wouldn't have survived without her.
  












  

Feed Me, Feedback

I love reading the cards for others.  I always feel its a special thing when someone allows you to delve around in their personal world, and that they trust you enough to do that. Knowing there is no hidden agenda from me as a reader means they can be open and honest, and I am grateful for being given that trust. 

If it wasn't for the trust these lovely people put in me I would feel my purpose was lost.  I love to help people, in what ever way I can.

It is also nice when these people appreciate what I do and it gladdens my heart when they come back to me with messages like these 

Your amazing man, everything has been so spot on. Your talent I am in awe of.

On the money !!!  You're really good!

This is not " a little right" it is precisely accurate!!!

Bravo my friend you're really good

Wow, that is very accurate indeed..

OMG!!!!  Pisces Moon, you hit the nail on the head with everything you've said!

I felt as though you were reading my thoughts, fears and desires!

 That's awesome!  Everything's correct!

Thank you very much for the reading and for such a quick response

This is just a sample of my feedback from happy people.  

And this is what makes my grateful heart sing.