New Year, New Me.

As we enter another year I would like to wish everyone their best year yet.  Like a lot of people I have made my plans and set my goals for 2016. I do it every year but somehow I seem to come derailed and end up way off course or fail to implement even the first steps. 

This year though, I reach an important milestone and have made a decision to get serious with where I am heading.  I have invested in an invaluable tool to help me organise and prioritise, namely the Rituals for Living Dreambook and Planner. I love the simplicity and elegance of it and the way it gets me envisioning my ideal life.

This is what I need, something to keep me focussed by breaking down the bigger goals into bite size pieces.
This is a year for deep inner work on the scars that won't heal, finding how they affect me, my family and friends and my life choices.

2015 seemed to start well, I had mapped out my 12 month plan which seemed to be developing as I'd hoped  However, towards the later end of the year I was dealt some serious emotional blows and I suffered a number of heart wrenching losses, one after the other.  

Feeling like my healing journey had been set back I allowed myself to sink deeper into old habits, self sabotage and spiritual neglect.  Projecting externally the person others believed I was, whilst inside I felt I was unravelling slowly.  

There has been a turning point, a rude awakening as it were.  Someone that I had the good fortune to meet this past year sent me such a lovely message, even though I see this person most days, they felt a less confrontational and more indirect approach was better.  They had noticed the grey cloud over me, they waited for me to open up.  When I failed to do so they made that move, offered me support, gave me a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

That was when the realisation hit me,  that even though the souls we are closely connected to, that have passed from this life have left a void, there are other souls still on this plane of existence that can build new places in our hearts.  For everyone I've lost this year, I have gained others, and for these new connections, I need to be present.  I need to keep growing.  

So today is the first day of 2016 and the first day of a focused, determined me.  To work on the wounds that every so often, break open, to recognise that I have a support network that can help me grow.

My first daily draw for 2016 was a very poignant one and came from a deck that I surprised myself by actually falling a little bit in love with.  I am open about my dislike of sugar coated decks, and the oracle/tarot market saturation by this person, however the Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine is my chosen deck for myself at the moment.  I feel I'm in a place that needs some TLC and gentle persuasion, and this deck gives me that.
It may not last for long, but for now it is exactly what I need.

So today I asked what energy is around me and drew The Star, the second card is 'because' and I drew The Chariot.

 Looking at these cards tells my energy is one of optimism and hope, that there is healing happening because I have taken the reins of my life's direction.
What better way to start the year?

On The Road To Somewhere

Image from www.pixabay.com

After a huuuuuge hiatus, I'm back.  I make no excuses or apologies.  I needed time away, so I gave myself permission to take it.

I haven't been entirely idle, I have embraced the time and utilised it to do some much neglected art journalling, reading, and catching up with myself.  I even went back over my Self Love September notes from last year, just to see how far I had come.  So imagine my absolute joy when I heard Kelly-Ann was doing another one this year.  
You can find the details HERE 

When I started the Self Love September last year, I had, 6 months earlier, come out of a severe depressive episode, I was still fragile, sensitive and having days when even getting dressed seemed like an insurmountable task.  I had thrown myself into my tarot studies more as a distraction than anything.  It was something I realised that the people around me didn't comprehend, so it became a way to shut myself off from them.  I had never realised there was such a big community on the internet until I stumbled onto youtube.  That was my turning point, when I realised that this was something that wasn't a distraction, it was actually my focus.  

Doing practice spreads whilst I was reading the copious amount of tarot books I had, made me realise that the cards were giving me help........ not predictions, but actual advice.  VIII Strength was my stalker, as was XIII Death and XVI The Tower.  At first my understanding of these 3 cards was skewed, I felt it was predicting more trouble, more problems, until I began to realise they were actually trying to help me get my life back on track.

All I wanted was the 'old me' back, to feel the way I used to about life, it was like a mantra, I would cry every morning, beg every night for this. Eventually I realised those cards were trying to tell me, I would never be the 'old me'.  My situation had ensured that could not be.  I had to leave the 'old me' behind, if I didn't I wouldn't have learned the lesson I needed to, that my life was being who others wanted me to be and it wouldn't get any better if I didn't make the change.  What I had to do was accept the 'me' that I was now. 

As The Tower was telling me, everything I had before, everything I believed, trusted and 'knew' was gone.  I had to build a new foundation, one from my own strength and build it back up.  It was slow sometimes unsteady, I felt like I was having to metaphorically keep taking bricks out that didn't fit and replace them.  I'm still "under construction' but I am getting there.

Once I found the online community, my mental state began to improve, here were people I could learn from, talk with, share ideas with and they didn't have to know my past, I didn't even have to get dressed to speak with them, they wouldn't know if I was in my PJ's at 3pm nor would they probably care.

So when I read about Self Love September 2014, I knew I had to do it.   Having followed The Four Queens' blog and YouTube channel for a while I realised this young woman was someone very special, with something amazing to give.  I felt that Self Love could benefit me, it was what I was lacking in my foundation.  Prior to participating, I was too busy appeasing everyone around me, the usual responses from me were; 
No, really, it's fine.
Of course I don't mind.
If you want me to.
No, don't apologise, it's just me being oversensitive.

Now I happily stand in my own power, because the 'me' I became has needs and wants, just as much as everyone around me.  If I can't address those with priority then how can I address other people's.  If I'm not happy at core level, how am I to to be happy for others.  My responses also address my needs too, they have become;

I'm not able to as I have other commitments  (even if that commitment is soaking in a bubble bath, I promised it to myself and you don't break promises especially to those you love).
I don't want to go........ (insert activity/place you have absolutely no interest in here) as it's not my 'thing'.
No! (no further explanation needed to justify this)
I haven't blogged, because I wanted to do something else.

Last year helped me so much to start to understand that I was important, I have a spirit that needs nurturing, an inner child that needs to play, and the inner strength to be and do these things

So I am eagerly anticipating September I know I'll be participating, journalling, creating and reaffirming that I am indeed special, as we all are.  If we can't tell ourselves that and believe it, then it will make no difference, at our core level, how many times other people tell us.

This time 4 years ago, I was in hell. 
This time last year I was in the proverbial tunnel, walking towards that glimmer of light.
And now, I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.

Seratonin and SCUBA Diving

Found on Pinterest

Anyone who has ever suffered with depression can tell you, it is a cruel taskmaster.  So it was lovely to see Kelly-Ann aka The Four Queens speak candidly about her experience with depression in this video.  She is so eloquent and calm in her delivery of what I feel is a very honest and open dialogue about her mental health history, and her acceptance of this part of her life is reassuring to others who may be currently battling with acceptance of their own.  I know my daughter has learned to accept herself more through certain videos from Kelly-Ann and accepts her scars as something that manifested itself in her, but does not need justifying to others.  The people who matter to my daughter don't need to ask, the people who ask do not matter.

So as a way of a response to the video I decided to have a ramble about my own battle and my feelings on the attitudes of depression.

Only in the past 2 year have I managed to pull myself out of the black hole that had me trapped for over 3 years.  It's been a long climb up the path of recovery, two steps forward, one step back most of the time.  I dealt with mine using a combination of medication, therapy and taking a proactive approach.  I can now say that I am free from the medication and no longer have therapy but I still check in with myself regularly, I still make that mental visit to see if there is anything that my 'inner friend' needs.  

I would like to think most people who have dealt with depression and come through the other side do this.  It's not alway easy though, to recognise the thought patterns that can  take them back to that dark place.  Sometimes it isn't possible to avoid going along that path again and again, as anyone with depression knows.

People are quick to judge someone with depression, as it is not an illness that is easily seen.  Most sufferers cover it up so well that when crisis happens, what I call 'The Abyss', people around are shocked, even surprised.  They wonder how it has happened, why it has happened, and the most common reaction is telling the sufferer that they should have told people they were struggling. When in reality the times that we do reach out, I found the most common responses were;

Oh, it'll sort itself out.
Everybody has problems 
Pull yourself together/get a grip
You'll be fine, you're a strong person.

I feel over the years, depression has been re-defined and not in a good way, by people who have no real understanding of it.  Depression has become something that has been relegated to the ranks of having a bad day.  But it is not ' a bad day', it is not feeling fed up because you didn't get what you wanted.  It is  certainly not shedding some tears in  the doctors office, in the hope they will give you an official letter, so your university will give you special dispensation on your degree score, as you were too busy living it up instead of studying.  (Yes, I have been witness to all of these cases of 'depression').

Then there are the people who do not realise depression is a chemical imbalance, the lack of seratonin, that anybody can develop. Even the most successful, wealthy, loved, respected and publicly adored.  Yet it seems common for others to judge by wondering what these people have to be depressed about.    It is not the exclusive realm of the lonely, poor and under appreciated.  My depression started when I was married, we had a very good income, respectable jobs even 2 holidays abroad every year.  But depression caught me in its web and now, single, working a low paid job and taking each day with acceptance for whatever may happen, and not judging mine or others choices, I am happier than I have been for many years.

Depression, real depression is that smothering, crushing feeling, when,  no matter how you try and look at things, there is nothing. There is no feeling of hope or joy, there is no feeling of worthiness, there is no feeling of understanding.  There is only fear, hopelessness, mistrust and a mental loneliness as your brain tells you that you are stupid, nobody cares, and what is the point when you are useless and fail at everything and nobody really likes you, they are just being polite (these were just some of my constant mental processes when I started down the slope).

 But the treatment of depression has to be a proactive one.  Medication works for most people but the individual's thought processes have to be worked on, altered and diverted.  If not, then the medication just masks the underlying  issues and the cycle of depression remains.  I had 3 different talking therapies, not all worked, everybody is different though and what didn't work for me can be the key for someone else.

My mother is a perfect example of what Kelly-Ann describes as cloaking oneself in their depression.  To my mother it defines who she is, it excuses her cruel side and feeds her need for attention and getting her own way.  She wears it as her badge of honour.  She has been on antidepressants for 20 years (since my father's death).  She refuses talking therapy, as she claims the therapists are useless and don't help.  She expects them to solve the issues and feels they should provide her with the answers that only she can give. 

She refuses to participate in anything that may be enjoyable unless it is something she wants to do, and if she does take part, she will criticise and complain for the duration, spoiling it for everyone else lest she is proven wrong and she has a good time.  

And yet she feels her happiness is everybody else's responsibility.  I don't judge her for it, she has no understanding of her illness and doesn't want to learn about it.  So I accept her as she is and arm myself mentally against any negativity she wants to throw out into the world.  For if she won't  help herself, then I, nor anyone else can do it for her.  

Ironically it was my mother who helped me recover, when she made the comment, after being medicated myself for almost 3 years, that I was going to end up like her, stuck on 'useless' drugs for the rest of my life.  My inner rebel sat up and thought no way am I turning into my mother.  My path for recovery was set, that very day.  

I knew there was some positive things in my life, I knew I could find that fun, loving person that was squashed so far down inside of me.  I knew I had to coax her back, gently with love, compassion and patience.  I had to wrap my arms and heart around the 'me' that the depressive mind had told me was gone and I never deserved anyway.  I had to dive deep, search through the murky depths and try and find that little glimmer of gold. Believe me it took some time to find it through the wreckage that lay covering it. Once I found that first little piece I went back every day and searched for more and more, until it was like I had found the actual treasure chest, where all the happiness lay.  I can not say I will never suffer any further episodes of depression, it is not something I plan on, however nobody ever does, but I know for now my life feels good I am happy with who and where I am and that is what matters more than anything. 

The Tower and the Compost Heap

This quote reminds me of The Tower card in tarot.  We are sometimes dealt a blow that can seem like the end of our world, as we know it.  

I believe that no matter how destructive the damage of a bolt from the blue can be, there is always a chance to salvage what you can and re-build something better.  Even if there is not one thing salvageable, if you have your self then you have something to re-build with.

We occasionally read an article somewhere on hugely successful people who have been plummeted to their very depths by losing everything they have through various seasons, and yet they have the determination to climb through the debris of their life and climb back up.  We believe these people are the exception to the rule, but are they?

What of the ordinary wife and mother who, because of a divorce, ends up in social housing, working for minimum wage, feeling everyday is a struggle.  In doing so, she instills a strong work ethic in her kids, as they decide to stick in with their education so they can take better employment.

Or the young widowed father, quitting his job to raise his kids, so in years to come, his own son is comfortable being a 'hands on' dad.

Aren't these all 'Tower moments? Making fetilizer from the 'shit' in which we can then plant seeds that will grow and flourish.

Not all 'Tower moments are this severe, it may be the reputation of the card that makes us believe, when it shows up in a spread, that we are going to lose it all.  It may be that the disaster we are waiting to befall us can be that flat tyre we notice as we are leaving for work, delaying us, just long enough to miss the hold up on the motorway due to a minor collision.  Or missing the bus for that all important job interview only to receive a call later that day regarding a job closer to home and with better pay and conditions.

The Tower hits when we least expect it or want it, but fearing it is not going to help. Embrace the changes it will bring.  It can be so liberating when you realise all those expectations, responsibilities and social conventions no longer count and you can let go and make a new beginning, doing it your own way. 

Life is meant to be an adventure, how can you enjoy the twists and turns of your story when you have your stage directions are already written, you need to use some ad lib too.

Wicked Wishes and the 9 of Cups Rx

'Cause getting your dreams

It's strange, but it seems

A little - well - complicated

There's a kind of a sort of, cost

There's a couple of things get, lost

There are bridges you cross

You didn't know you crossed

Until you've crossed

(Lyrics from Thank Goodness, from the musical Wicked)

As the wish card in tarot, the 9 of Cups seems like it can do no wrong.  Reversed though, well lets look at how I see it.

I always try to relate my understanding of a card with an experience from my life, that way it makes it easier to understand. The above song lyrics tend to resonate so well with how I see the 9 of Cups reversed.

Using the RWS card, the man in the card seems to be sitting, claiming his space, arms crossed and a hint of a smug look on his face.  This is someone who seems to be in a stance of arrogance, closed off and with little regard for anyone else's feelings or opinions  No matter what is happening he is going to put himself at the forefront of any situation.  His own inflated self importance is almost sickening.  

Behind him are 9 cups, upside down, I think we all know that an upside down cup is an empty cup.so what exactly is this telling us?

The man is too arrogant to realise the cups are even there, is this someone's emotions being drained?  is it their dreams being tipped away? and still the man sits there, smug and full of his own ego.  

How did this card go from being the 'wish card' to a card of shattered dreams.

Maybe this man is so wrapped up in how everything affects him and his world, that he ignores the emotional upset he is causing. 

He has no interest in seeing what is happening behind him, he is the centre of his world and his dramas.  

At some point this man was the epitome of contentment, he was the fruition of our deepest desires, hopes becoming real, and dreams manifesting.

Somewhere along the way this changed and this wonderful feeling of a dream come true, of emotional fulfillment has become a feeling of complete emptiness, of emotions spilled or simply drained.  And yet there he sits pompous, self righteous and full of denial that he has caused this.  His back turned, determined not to look at the devastation and loss behind him.  Determined not to accept responsibility for his part in any of it.

Its a time to go back to the 8 of Cups and learn the lesson of walking away, leaving the emotional ties behind.  If the advice from the 8 of Cups had been followed in the first place then maybe the 9 of Cups reversed wouldn't have happened.

However it did and only then did I realise that 'getting your dreams, it's strange but it seems a little, well complicated'.  

  .

Secrets and Shy

No card talk today, I've been doing some study work all day with them and I'm all tarot'd out.  Don't get me wrong, I could talk all day about tarot and oracles, however I have to give this old brain of mine a chance to recover or I'll end up going into over-drive.

So instead I'm going to let you in on a little secret about me.

Anybody who knows me in the physical world would describe me as loud, funny, quick witted, opinionated, friendly and out going. They are possibly flatteringly correct but in another way they are very wrong.  

These people who would use this kind of description of me are people who are close, trusted friends.  When I use the term 'trusted' they can wear that as a badge of honour, as I find trusting people extremely difficult.  All my close circle have something, very personal to me, in common with me, and these vary from friend to friend.

As a child I was very shy, I was brought up for the first five years of my life in a different country, my parents having emigrated when I was a baby.  I knew no extended family and my world consisted of my father, my mother and my brother.  After 5 years abroad, my parents came back to the U.K where I was thrust into a large family of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.  It was alien to me,  I was a very petite child, with a strong Australian accent, and these strange people would fuss around me, quick to point out how sweet I was with my white blonde hair and suntanned skin, I was, asking me to say things in my funny accent.  I hated every moment of the over the top attention.  To me, I was just me.

Being shy was no excuse, my mother would tell me to 'stop being so stupid', 'answer people when I was spoken to' and the cruelest one, stop being so pathetic'.  I had been taken away from everything I had known, bright sunny days, miles and miles of open land, and a rather middle class background and thrust into this grey, cold country, with what seemed like a grubby landscape of nothing but streets and houses.

Even in school I was treated like some strange being, the little blonde one with the funny accent, made to stand up and read in school assemblies, tell the other children about life in Australia, ad I ever seen a koala or a kangaroo. 

I was miserable and lost.  I had been cosseted by the exclusivity of my small family, where I could play in my fantasy world and imagination.  Now I was being told I had to behave differently.

Unfortunately my mother's remarks came back and bit her in the rear.  As I grew I became 'out going' and talkative, developed a strong regional accent, and my mother despaired of the monster she ad created. I had swung the pendulum way too far in the other direction and she was frequently embarrassed by my extrovert behaviour.

Recently, over the last year and a half, I feel I have come to terms with the reasons for this..... I AM AN INTROVERT.

I spent so many years being made to feel ashamed and uncomfortable with being and introvert, that I created an alter ego who was the complete opposite of who I truly am.  It was a mask I wore well, but was never comfortable with.

Why people think being an introvert is a weakness is beyond me.  I feel that it is the reason I am able to show empathy and compassion, find forgiveness, and accept my own faults.     

As I explained here here I am happy in my own company.  I am not anti social, I just do not feel comfortable in big social groups. Some people see me as being aloof, stand-offish, even as thinking myself above other people, these people couldn't be further from the truth.

If someone becomes my close friend, it has taken a while to get there,  It has usually taken them to share something personal with me that I can relate to that has been the catalyst in me trusting them as a friend.  

Even with the protection of hiding behind a computer screen does not change my introverted tendancies.  I have 43 fiends on facebook, this includes family  I never accept friend requests from friends of friends.  I am a member of a number of forums, yet will only post maybe once a week (on some it is less than that).  

So, you may think, why start a blog? why offer free readings?  Because I do like interacting with people, I enjoy listening to other peoples' stories, I too have a story, its called 'who I am'.  

As I try to find meaning to my life, I find writing it down helps me to view it objectively.  I have been told on several occasions that what I have lived, can also help and that I should write a book about my life (it wouldn't be believed if I did).  But this is my starting point.This is my little way of putting it out there.  And like an alcoholic at an A.A meeting I want to stand up and be accountable for what I am........I am Pisces Moon, and I am an introvert 


  

Selfishness, Solitude and the Single Girl

Oracle of the Shapeshifters

I notice when I travel around the various tarot forums I'm a member of, the number of posts from people wanting answers regarding their love lives, crushes, obsessions is enormous.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people wanting to find that one true love, but the amount of people who believe it is the be all and end all is frightening.  The general thinking is to just throw yourself in whole heartedly into having a partner, any partner and calling it love.  

I am of the belief that real deep love only comes through time, and is not something that happens after a 3 hour dinner date.But seriously, the amount of people who post on these boards with things such as 'How does he feel about me.... I went on a date 5 weeks ago with this guy and he hasn't called so I did a tarot spread.  I can't read the tarot cards but I think it meant he's in love with me, cos I love him'. (This is not an actual post, but you get the gist of what I'm saying). 

Call me an old fart if you wish, however I am a firm advocate of loving yourself first. Don't bring another person into your relationship with yourself until you have a firm foundation to build on.  I've read some horror stories of people who believe they are 'destined to be together' and then go on to describe the most horrific stories of distrust, jealousy, obsession, emotional abuse and at best dislike for the person they are having a 'relationship' with.  This to me just smacks of at best, low self esteem and at worst, sheer desperation.

I'm not mocking, I've been there, oh boy have I been there.  I've had some horrific 'relationships' that felt like love, However I can look back now and realise my self esteem was at rock bottom at the time.  My last relationship makes me want to hang my head in shame, but I won't bore you with details. 
We can be our own worst enemies when someone else is loading the bullets into the gun.

So why are people so afraid of being alone?  Do they dislike their own company?  I find people like this to be very shallow people.  How can you not like being alone with yourself?  How do you even know who you are if you are constantly being fed by other peoples' thoughts and opinions?  Or do these people not trust or like their own thoughts?

Being alone is not the same as being lonely.  You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely if there is no connection there.  And I'm not even going to touch on loneliness as that is something totally different.

Being alone is a good time to think your own thoughts, get things straight in your head, even sing at the top of your tone deaf voice if you so wish, without someone telling you you're tone deaf.  So what if you are, to enjoy something doesn't mean being good at it.

Being alone makes you accountable for your every thought and action, its a brilliant time to reflect on your hopes, dreams, fears likes and dislikes.

This past 2 years has opened up so many different avenues to me, I have found things about myself that previously I had never noticed before.  My choice of reading material has totally changed, my political views are now different and I have a spiritual side of me that is developing in a way I would never have imagined.  Even my priorities are different now

I'm single by choice (yes, it is my first choice) and have been for a while.  I have no interest in finding someone to share my life with because I realised that until I found out who I truly was, and find enough reasons to love me, I couldn't expect someone else to love me.  I enjoy my time alone, I've become openly selfish, in that I don't want to have to think about 'us' just me.  I know by looking back, I have always had a selfish streak in me, I accept it and have no problem with integrating it as part of me.  I feel at this time in my life I need to be selfish.

I have become so much more at peace with my past, and accepting the negatives about myself.  I am happy with where my life is now.  I don't have someone projecting their issues on to me, making me feel I am unworthy of anything.  I do't even feel the need to socialise just because it is expected of me.  I'm a happy hermit.

So when I read all this anguish from others about either the desperate need for finding someone that loves them or that their one true love ( the 7th in a space of 2 years) is causing them hurt, I feel like replying,' Turn off Facebook, quit wearing Eau de Desperation and get a mirror.  Because reflected back is the one person who can truly love you for you, warts and all'.  You do not need any other person to validate you.  Only you can do that.

Right I'm back off to my cave in the wilderness to sing tunelessly very, very loudly.

A Page of Love

Tarot of the Hidden Realm(left to Right) VI The Lovers, Page of Wands, VIII Strength

I'm not ashamed to admit that 2 years ago I was looking over the edge of the abyss.  I was in a bad place emotionally and I could not see any hope.  I felt I was a bad person who had made some terrible choices and could see no way of fixing the mess I had made

Two years on I feel so different, and my life is taking twists and turns down paths I never imagined I'd walk.  After bad choices, came better decisions, made by me, about me and for me.  

Although other people had been dragged into my personal drama I realised that by making decisions based on what other people wanted from me could never resolve the crushing tornado of hatred in myself.  I would still have felt like I was letting people down, and caused resentment. The choices I made were for me.  They were what I wanted from heart level, I would not let ego get involved,it was just purely what my heart told me.

So today I did a 3 card draw just to check in with where I am right now, and I love how the cards can show that although it was a tough time my reward for my good decisions has been more than worth it, a thousandfold.

My interpretation of this reading is;

I have had choices to make from the heart, and that choice has led to a deep loving connection to our Page of Wands.  

This card always signifies my grandson, who I absolutely adore and could not imagine my life without. The Page of wands is an active, inquisitive child, always on the go, like a whirlwind of energy, just like my little Button.   

 As he is looking towards The Lovers card, with a mischievous smile, it shows that the loving bond is reciprocated (and anyone who knows us as a family would probably agree). 

What the Page brings to the situation is Strength,  He has his back to the strength card, and thus he is unaware that this is his gift.

I can say from my position today that this young boy as no idea of the impact he has had on my life.  He has changed how I view myself and my world.  He has been the catalyst for my recovery, the little beam of light that was the warning beacon near the edge of that abyss, guiding me away from falling back down it.

This is not to say that I feel anything less towards my children, however when I felt that I was nothing but a disappointment to them, this little boy with his golden curls and heart melting smile has shown me that I have, and always did have the strength to be true to myself, to know I could make better choices and keep going, moving forward and believe in myself again.

I love how tarot can sometimes give us the little pat on the back, a metal 'high five', and reminds us that we're just where we need to be.

XI Justice and the Two Poles

XI Justice, Legacy of the Divine by Ciro Marchetti

Any tarot enthusiast is aware of the meaning of the Justice card in the Major Arcana. 

In the Rider Waite Smith deck Lady Justice is seen sitting in her seat, sword in one hand, scales in the other.

She's about balance, truth and reaping what has been sown by past actions.  'Just desserts' comes to mind.  She's a formidable character when it comes to self realisation and accepting that what you have got now, is because of what you gave in the past.

In the Legacy of the Divine tarot, I love that Justice is shown as 2 woman, their eyes covered and facing away from each other, as if they do not wish to acknowledge the other with their opposing reasoning, yet both have their hand on the scales, keeping everything in balance.  

However there is a association I have developed with this card over the time I have been using this deck. There are so many layers to every tarot card, differing meanings in each tarot deck, yet this one individual card has shown me something so unique to my close circle.  

It shows up frequently in the same 2 sitters readings, (these are friends and family, as I do not read for random strangers) and is usually accompanied by an assortment of cards that turn up regularly too.  Sometimes Justice is upright, other times reversed.

Reversed tends to show that the sitter is going into a crisis, upright it seems to show that their is some stability and may be managing their treatment well.

If I use the RWS deck, Justice is usually absent from their spreads, however with Legacy of the Divine, its as sure as eggs are eggs to turn up.

The two sitters it shows up for have one thing in common, they both suffer from Bipolar disorder (as diagnosed by a psychiatrist).
  
It can be well controlled with medication and therapy, but not always.  Stress an be a massive trigger to set a sufferer into a crisis. Some sufferers get only slight respite from their symptoms and others may only suffer the depressive side of the illness.  Each patient is unique in their presentation of the disorder
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One of my friends is mostly depressive with only minor 'ups', my family member was rapid cycling prior to diagnosis (which took almost 2 years to convince them to seek help) and even now whilst medicated has huge extremes of mood frequently and she's 3 years in to treatment. 

The card combinations that turn up again and again are a mix of 10 of Swords, 10 of Wands, 5 of Wands and XV The Devil (when depression is the dominant), or XIX The Sun, XXI The World, 10 of Coins and 6 of Wands (when mania is dominant).

Obviously I don't pull all of these cards at the same time, but a combination of them will turn up alongside Justice.  And strangely enough they seem to reflect the current mood cycle of the sitter.  It is difficult and probably really long winded to write about but when these cards show up for my sitters, I know exactly where these cards are taking me. 

One of my sitters (I'll refer to her as 'G') always associates the figure in the white robe with her 'up' side and the figure in purple as her 'down' side, polar opposites that are supposed to work together to keep balance, which in Bipolar, doesn't.

 'G' knows her signals when either one of the Justice figures is pulling harder on the counterbalance, she is really in tune now with her disorder and will look for a reading when she's starting to feel (or others notice) that her mood is becoming erratic.

Her explanation of her mania is that everything revolves around her, She's grandiose, feels she is on top of the world, can achieve anything and makes wild exaggerations about her self, family and home life and says she invariably feels indestructible.

Her depressive episodes take her down a very dark path that leaves her literally in self destruct mode and has come close to that many times.

I don't know anyone elses' take on this, but I find it fascinating that this specific card carries this association for me. I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts. 















   

Like a Rubber Ball

Following on from yesterdays ramble, I suppose some people would plug me as someone who may not have taken responsibility of my actions in the past.

I can say that this is so far from the truth.  I have acknowledged the parts I have played in all the errors in my life.  I know my flaws and kindly do not need friends and family members pointing them out to me.  I am on a journey in this life and I wouldn't get anywhere if I kept re-visiting the stations I passed through earlier.  I want this ride to take me to places I have yet to see.

I do not believe that anything from the past should make you feel you are worth less than you really are.  We may be a different person in the aftermath but we still have the same value as we did before.  Sometimes choices have a strong impact on those around us.  Their negative thinking about it is their issue, it is not a reflection of who you are.  It is more a reflection on who they are

I am an expert in self sabotage however, I am working on understanding how and why I feel the need to do it.  Its dark and its scary but its all a part of who I am  I would never expect someone else to get to the bottom of my psyche for me and tell me how to stop doing it, all they could do is give you tools to work with  Every single one of us is made of different ingredients called experiences and what may be on persons sweetener could taste bitter and sour to someone else.  

I think we owe it to ourselves to do the hard work, put the time and effort in to learn what makes us tick.  You wouldn't become a baker and expect someone else to bake the bread, same as a cobbler wouldn't expect someone else to make the shoes.

We cannot rely on anyone to change our thought patterns and behaviours.  I've had 48 years of deeply entrenching my self doubts and self beliefs.  A therapist or counsellor sure as hell isn't going to change that in a few months of therapy. What they can do however is make you look at the thinking behind the actions or thoughts.  Its like holding up a mirror that can see right into yourself.  I don't want to think someone else's thought or beliefs anyway.  I want the power of thinking and knowing my own thoughts.

Yes, I do see a therapist on a regular basis, I am not ashamed to say it.  I've suffered from mental health issues on and off for many years and as much as it feels soul destroying at times, I will not allow it to be my 'story'.  I have specific triggers, however I know their names, I know their voices and I am able to identify them when they start making appearances. I have come a long way and I feel I can only keep going up.  I've had a 'rock bottom' and I would never want to go their again.  

Back to my point.  If you are 'broken' and are having issues, its not someone else's job to fix you, that has to come from you, from within.  Too much emphasis these days is put on the expectation of a third party to be the solution.  The only thing a third party can do is be the catalyst, to begin that change.  The actual change comes from you.  

Medication is not the solution, and I'm not saying throw that Prozac away, quite the opposite in fact.  Stick with medication, it has its place in the the recipe of recovery. The medication does not 'make you better', it merely gives the psyche a rest from the negativity so you can gain some clarity.

My mother has been on antidepressants for over 20 years, she complains she feels so sick of life, and nobody understands how she feels.  This woman has refused all offers of counselling and therapy because she says it won't help.  She is almost happy in her pit of despair, its her badge of honour, her story, to her its 'who she is'.  I feel sorry for her that she feels she is beyond help.  However everything that has gone wrong in her life, every negative impact is alway because of someone or something else, she takes no responsibility for her part in any of it.  She is so afraid of looking into that internal mirror that she has become so reduced as a person, as a mother and grandmother.

This is where we differ.  I have 2 failed marriages, been involved in toxic relationships, sabotaged myself financially, career wise and physically.  I have spent time looking at all of this,  I know the role I played in each and every one, however I know I am not a bad person, I',m not some pathetic, weak little woman who needs a man in her life to rescue her or validate her existence.  

I chose bad relationships because I thought I could fix these men,instead of fixing me, it was less scary than having to look at myself, end of. I sabotaged myself because the inner voice had accepted the negative opinions of me.  However I am a person who tries to see good in everyone and thus lay the problem.  By doing so, I couldn't see that my own spirit was being crushed, manipulated and weakened.  I have worked on that and I am happy and proud to be single.  I am in love with me.  Not in the vain, narcissitic way, but I can see that I am a warm, loving and extremely caring person, whose opinions count.  I can see when games are being played, when someone is trying to get the psychological upper hand.  Because through my time in therapy I have been shown how these games are played.  I am now strong enough to, instead of being a participant, be the referee.  I call time, blow the whistle and keep neutral.

I will not allow anyone to hold my personal power, it stays firmly with me.