Sunday, 30 November 2014

Secrets and Shy

No card talk today, I've been doing some study work all day with them and I'm all tarot'd out.  Don't get me wrong, I could talk all day about tarot and oracles, however I have to give this old brain of mine a chance to recover or I'll end up going into over-drive.

So instead I'm going to let you in on a little secret about me.

Anybody who knows me in the physical world would describe me as loud, funny, quick witted, opinionated, friendly and out going. They are possibly flatteringly correct but in another way they are very wrong.  

These people who would use this kind of description of me are people who are close, trusted friends.  When I use the term 'trusted' they can wear that as a badge of honour, as I find trusting people extremely difficult.  All my close circle have something, very personal to me, in common with me, and these vary from friend to friend.

As a child I was very shy, I was brought up for the first five years of my life in a different country, my parents having emigrated when I was a baby.  I knew no extended family and my world consisted of my father, my mother and my brother.  After 5 years abroad, my parents came back to the U.K where I was thrust into a large family of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.  It was alien to me,  I was a very petite child, with a strong Australian accent, and these strange people would fuss around me, quick to point out how sweet I was with my white blonde hair and suntanned skin, I was, asking me to say things in my funny accent.  I hated every moment of the over the top attention.  To me, I was just me.

Being shy was no excuse, my mother would tell me to 'stop being so stupid', 'answer people when I was spoken to' and the cruelest one, stop being so pathetic'.  I had been taken away from everything I had known, bright sunny days, miles and miles of open land, and a rather middle class background and thrust into this grey, cold country, with what seemed like a grubby landscape of nothing but streets and houses.

Even in school I was treated like some strange being, the little blonde one with the funny accent, made to stand up and read in school assemblies, tell the other children about life in Australia, ad I ever seen a koala or a kangaroo. 

I was miserable and lost.  I had been cosseted by the exclusivity of my small family, where I could play in my fantasy world and imagination.  Now I was being told I had to behave differently.

Unfortunately my mother's remarks came back and bit her in the rear.  As I grew I became 'out going' and talkative, developed a strong regional accent, and my mother despaired of the monster she ad created. I had swung the pendulum way too far in the other direction and she was frequently embarrassed by my extrovert behaviour.

Recently, over the last year and a half, I feel I have come to terms with the reasons for this..... I AM AN INTROVERT.

I spent so many years being made to feel ashamed and uncomfortable with being and introvert, that I created an alter ego who was the complete opposite of who I truly am.  It was a mask I wore well, but was never comfortable with.

Why people think being an introvert is a weakness is beyond me.  I feel that it is the reason I am able to show empathy and compassion, find forgiveness, and accept my own faults.     

As I explained here here I am happy in my own company.  I am not anti social, I just do not feel comfortable in big social groups. Some people see me as being aloof, stand-offish, even as thinking myself above other people, these people couldn't be further from the truth.

If someone becomes my close friend, it has taken a while to get there,  It has usually taken them to share something personal with me that I can relate to that has been the catalyst in me trusting them as a friend.  

Even with the protection of hiding behind a computer screen does not change my introverted tendancies.  I have 43 fiends on facebook, this includes family  I never accept friend requests from friends of friends.  I am a member of a number of forums, yet will only post maybe once a week (on some it is less than that).  

So, you may think, why start a blog? why offer free readings?  Because I do like interacting with people, I enjoy listening to other peoples' stories, I too have a story, its called 'who I am'.  

As I try to find meaning to my life, I find writing it down helps me to view it objectively.  I have been told on several occasions that what I have lived, can also help and that I should write a book about my life (it wouldn't be believed if I did).  But this is my starting point.This is my little way of putting it out there.  And like an alcoholic at an A.A meeting I want to stand up and be accountable for what I am........I am Pisces Moon, and I am an introvert 


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