Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Like a Rubber Ball

Following on from yesterdays ramble, I suppose some people would plug me as someone who may not have taken responsibility of my actions in the past.

I can say that this is so far from the truth.  I have acknowledged the parts I have played in all the errors in my life.  I know my flaws and kindly do not need friends and family members pointing them out to me.  I am on a journey in this life and I wouldn't get anywhere if I kept re-visiting the stations I passed through earlier.  I want this ride to take me to places I have yet to see.

I do not believe that anything from the past should make you feel you are worth less than you really are.  We may be a different person in the aftermath but we still have the same value as we did before.  Sometimes choices have a strong impact on those around us.  Their negative thinking about it is their issue, it is not a reflection of who you are.  It is more a reflection on who they are

I am an expert in self sabotage however, I am working on understanding how and why I feel the need to do it.  Its dark and its scary but its all a part of who I am  I would never expect someone else to get to the bottom of my psyche for me and tell me how to stop doing it, all they could do is give you tools to work with  Every single one of us is made of different ingredients called experiences and what may be on persons sweetener could taste bitter and sour to someone else.  

I think we owe it to ourselves to do the hard work, put the time and effort in to learn what makes us tick.  You wouldn't become a baker and expect someone else to bake the bread, same as a cobbler wouldn't expect someone else to make the shoes.

We cannot rely on anyone to change our thought patterns and behaviours.  I've had 48 years of deeply entrenching my self doubts and self beliefs.  A therapist or counsellor sure as hell isn't going to change that in a few months of therapy. What they can do however is make you look at the thinking behind the actions or thoughts.  Its like holding up a mirror that can see right into yourself.  I don't want to think someone else's thought or beliefs anyway.  I want the power of thinking and knowing my own thoughts.

Yes, I do see a therapist on a regular basis, I am not ashamed to say it.  I've suffered from mental health issues on and off for many years and as much as it feels soul destroying at times, I will not allow it to be my 'story'.  I have specific triggers, however I know their names, I know their voices and I am able to identify them when they start making appearances. I have come a long way and I feel I can only keep going up.  I've had a 'rock bottom' and I would never want to go their again.  

Back to my point.  If you are 'broken' and are having issues, its not someone else's job to fix you, that has to come from you, from within.  Too much emphasis these days is put on the expectation of a third party to be the solution.  The only thing a third party can do is be the catalyst, to begin that change.  The actual change comes from you.  

Medication is not the solution, and I'm not saying throw that Prozac away, quite the opposite in fact.  Stick with medication, it has its place in the the recipe of recovery. The medication does not 'make you better', it merely gives the psyche a rest from the negativity so you can gain some clarity.

My mother has been on antidepressants for over 20 years, she complains she feels so sick of life, and nobody understands how she feels.  This woman has refused all offers of counselling and therapy because she says it won't help.  She is almost happy in her pit of despair, its her badge of honour, her story, to her its 'who she is'.  I feel sorry for her that she feels she is beyond help.  However everything that has gone wrong in her life, every negative impact is alway because of someone or something else, she takes no responsibility for her part in any of it.  She is so afraid of looking into that internal mirror that she has become so reduced as a person, as a mother and grandmother.

This is where we differ.  I have 2 failed marriages, been involved in toxic relationships, sabotaged myself financially, career wise and physically.  I have spent time looking at all of this,  I know the role I played in each and every one, however I know I am not a bad person, I',m not some pathetic, weak little woman who needs a man in her life to rescue her or validate her existence.  

I chose bad relationships because I thought I could fix these men,instead of fixing me, it was less scary than having to look at myself, end of. I sabotaged myself because the inner voice had accepted the negative opinions of me.  However I am a person who tries to see good in everyone and thus lay the problem.  By doing so, I couldn't see that my own spirit was being crushed, manipulated and weakened.  I have worked on that and I am happy and proud to be single.  I am in love with me.  Not in the vain, narcissitic way, but I can see that I am a warm, loving and extremely caring person, whose opinions count.  I can see when games are being played, when someone is trying to get the psychological upper hand.  Because through my time in therapy I have been shown how these games are played.  I am now strong enough to, instead of being a participant, be the referee.  I call time, blow the whistle and keep neutral.

I will not allow anyone to hold my personal power, it stays firmly with me.

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