Sunday, 30 November 2014

Secrets and Shy

No card talk today, I've been doing some study work all day with them and I'm all tarot'd out.  Don't get me wrong, I could talk all day about tarot and oracles, however I have to give this old brain of mine a chance to recover or I'll end up going into over-drive.

So instead I'm going to let you in on a little secret about me.

Anybody who knows me in the physical world would describe me as loud, funny, quick witted, opinionated, friendly and out going. They are possibly flatteringly correct but in another way they are very wrong.  

These people who would use this kind of description of me are people who are close, trusted friends.  When I use the term 'trusted' they can wear that as a badge of honour, as I find trusting people extremely difficult.  All my close circle have something, very personal to me, in common with me, and these vary from friend to friend.

As a child I was very shy, I was brought up for the first five years of my life in a different country, my parents having emigrated when I was a baby.  I knew no extended family and my world consisted of my father, my mother and my brother.  After 5 years abroad, my parents came back to the U.K where I was thrust into a large family of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.  It was alien to me,  I was a very petite child, with a strong Australian accent, and these strange people would fuss around me, quick to point out how sweet I was with my white blonde hair and suntanned skin, I was, asking me to say things in my funny accent.  I hated every moment of the over the top attention.  To me, I was just me.

Being shy was no excuse, my mother would tell me to 'stop being so stupid', 'answer people when I was spoken to' and the cruelest one, stop being so pathetic'.  I had been taken away from everything I had known, bright sunny days, miles and miles of open land, and a rather middle class background and thrust into this grey, cold country, with what seemed like a grubby landscape of nothing but streets and houses.

Even in school I was treated like some strange being, the little blonde one with the funny accent, made to stand up and read in school assemblies, tell the other children about life in Australia, ad I ever seen a koala or a kangaroo. 

I was miserable and lost.  I had been cosseted by the exclusivity of my small family, where I could play in my fantasy world and imagination.  Now I was being told I had to behave differently.

Unfortunately my mother's remarks came back and bit her in the rear.  As I grew I became 'out going' and talkative, developed a strong regional accent, and my mother despaired of the monster she ad created. I had swung the pendulum way too far in the other direction and she was frequently embarrassed by my extrovert behaviour.

Recently, over the last year and a half, I feel I have come to terms with the reasons for this..... I AM AN INTROVERT.

I spent so many years being made to feel ashamed and uncomfortable with being and introvert, that I created an alter ego who was the complete opposite of who I truly am.  It was a mask I wore well, but was never comfortable with.

Why people think being an introvert is a weakness is beyond me.  I feel that it is the reason I am able to show empathy and compassion, find forgiveness, and accept my own faults.     

As I explained here here I am happy in my own company.  I am not anti social, I just do not feel comfortable in big social groups. Some people see me as being aloof, stand-offish, even as thinking myself above other people, these people couldn't be further from the truth.

If someone becomes my close friend, it has taken a while to get there,  It has usually taken them to share something personal with me that I can relate to that has been the catalyst in me trusting them as a friend.  

Even with the protection of hiding behind a computer screen does not change my introverted tendancies.  I have 43 fiends on facebook, this includes family  I never accept friend requests from friends of friends.  I am a member of a number of forums, yet will only post maybe once a week (on some it is less than that).  

So, you may think, why start a blog? why offer free readings?  Because I do like interacting with people, I enjoy listening to other peoples' stories, I too have a story, its called 'who I am'.  

As I try to find meaning to my life, I find writing it down helps me to view it objectively.  I have been told on several occasions that what I have lived, can also help and that I should write a book about my life (it wouldn't be believed if I did).  But this is my starting point.This is my little way of putting it out there.  And like an alcoholic at an A.A meeting I want to stand up and be accountable for what I am........I am Pisces Moon, and I am an introvert 


Saturday, 29 November 2014

Selfishness, Solitude and the Single Girl

Oracle of the Shapeshifters

I notice when I travel around the various tarot forums I'm a member of, the number of posts from people wanting answers regarding their love lives, crushes, obsessions is enormous.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people wanting to find that one true love, but the amount of people who believe it is the be all and end all is frightening.  The general thinking is to just throw yourself in whole heartedly into having a partner, any partner and calling it love.  

I am of the belief that real deep love only comes through time, and is not something that happens after a 3 hour dinner date.But seriously, the amount of people who post on these boards with things such as 'How does he feel about me.... I went on a date 5 weeks ago with this guy and he hasn't called so I did a tarot spread.  I can't read the tarot cards but I think it meant he's in love with me, cos I love him'. (This is not an actual post, but you get the gist of what I'm saying). 

Call me an old fart if you wish, however I am a firm advocate of loving yourself first. Don't bring another person into your relationship with yourself until you have a firm foundation to build on.  I've read some horror stories of people who believe they are 'destined to be together' and then go on to describe the most horrific stories of distrust, jealousy, obsession, emotional abuse and at best dislike for the person they are having a 'relationship' with.  This to me just smacks of at best, low self esteem and at worst, sheer desperation.

I'm not mocking, I've been there, oh boy have I been there.  I've had some horrific 'relationships' that felt like love, However I can look back now and realise my self esteem was at rock bottom at the time.  My last relationship makes me want to hang my head in shame, but I won't bore you with details. 
We can be our own worst enemies when someone else is loading the bullets into the gun.

So why are people so afraid of being alone?  Do they dislike their own company?  I find people like this to be very shallow people.  How can you not like being alone with yourself?  How do you even know who you are if you are constantly being fed by other peoples' thoughts and opinions?  Or do these people not trust or like their own thoughts?

Being alone is not the same as being lonely.  You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely if there is no connection there.  And I'm not even going to touch on loneliness as that is something totally different.

Being alone is a good time to think your own thoughts, get things straight in your head, even sing at the top of your tone deaf voice if you so wish, without someone telling you you're tone deaf.  So what if you are, to enjoy something doesn't mean being good at it.

Being alone makes you accountable for your every thought and action, its a brilliant time to reflect on your hopes, dreams, fears likes and dislikes.

This past 2 years has opened up so many different avenues to me, I have found things about myself that previously I had never noticed before.  My choice of reading material has totally changed, my political views are now different and I have a spiritual side of me that is developing in a way I would never have imagined.  Even my priorities are different now

I'm single by choice (yes, it is my first choice) and have been for a while.  I have no interest in finding someone to share my life with because I realised that until I found out who I truly was, and find enough reasons to love me, I couldn't expect someone else to love me.  I enjoy my time alone, I've become openly selfish, in that I don't want to have to think about 'us' just me.  I know by looking back, I have always had a selfish streak in me, I accept it and have no problem with integrating it as part of me.  I feel at this time in my life I need to be selfish.

I have become so much more at peace with my past, and accepting the negatives about myself.  I am happy with where my life is now.  I don't have someone projecting their issues on to me, making me feel I am unworthy of anything.  I do't even feel the need to socialise just because it is expected of me.  I'm a happy hermit.

So when I read all this anguish from others about either the desperate need for finding someone that loves them or that their one true love ( the 7th in a space of 2 years) is causing them hurt, I feel like replying,' Turn off Facebook, quit wearing Eau de Desperation and get a mirror.  Because reflected back is the one person who can truly love you for you, warts and all'.  You do not need any other person to validate you.  Only you can do that.

Right I'm back off to my cave in the wilderness to sing tunelessly very, very loudly.

Thursday, 27 November 2014

Love Is All Around Us

VI The Lovers, Tarot of the Hidden Realm

When The Lovers card appears in a spread, most clients assume that this is a sign that the true love they seek is going to happen.  In some readings it can mean exactly that, however sometimes it is not even close.

Originally this card was called 'Love' and somehow over time evolved into The Lovers and its meaning became fuzzy.

The Lovers is about developing bonds, close, personal, deep bonds.  It can be a connection between two friends that on a mental level, seem to think the same thoughts, have the same beliefs, see things from the same perspective.  Almost like 2 halves of the same thing. 

It is about those people in our lives who bring a connection that makes them special to us. It is about love, but may symbolise the love we have for our partner, parent, sibling, child or friends. They are the people who enrich our lives just by being a part of it.   

There can be an element of physical attraction, even sexual desire, within the context of who the card is portraying.  But the card alone is not always read as that passionate romance that will sweep us off our feet.

The card is also to do with choices, moral and ethical dilemmas that call on us to decide what we must do, from our our best choice.  It is the difference between right and wrong, it symbolises our beliefs, our truth and our morals.

So if it shows up in a reading for you, don't think that it is necessarily time to book the minister and telling your mother to buy a new hat, you may be very disappointed. 

Love is in our lives in many different guises, if you accept that you are never going to be poor.  

A Page of Love

Tarot of the Hidden Realm(left to Right) VI The Lovers, Page of Wands, VIII Strength

I'm not ashamed to admit that 2 years ago I was looking over the edge of the abyss.  I was in a bad place emotionally and I could not see any hope.  I felt I was a bad person who had made some terrible choices and could see no way of fixing the mess I had made

Two years on I feel so different, and my life is taking twists and turns down paths I never imagined I'd walk.  After bad choices, came better decisions, made by me, about me and for me.  

Although other people had been dragged into my personal drama I realised that by making decisions based on what other people wanted from me could never resolve the crushing tornado of hatred in myself.  I would still have felt like I was letting people down, and caused resentment. The choices I made were for me.  They were what I wanted from heart level, I would not let ego get involved,it was just purely what my heart told me.

So today I did a 3 card draw just to check in with where I am right now, and I love how the cards can show that although it was a tough time my reward for my good decisions has been more than worth it, a thousandfold.

My interpretation of this reading is;

I have had choices to make from the heart, and that choice has led to a deep loving connection to our Page of Wands.  

This card always signifies my grandson, who I absolutely adore and could not imagine my life without. The Page of wands is an active, inquisitive child, always on the go, like a whirlwind of energy, just like my little Button.   

 As he is looking towards The Lovers card, with a mischievous smile, it shows that the loving bond is reciprocated (and anyone who knows us as a family would probably agree)

What the Page brings to the situation is Strength,  He has his back to the strength card, and thus he is unaware that this is his gift.

I can say from my position today that this young boy as no idea of the impact he has had on my life.  He has changed how I view myself and my world.  He has been the catalyst for my recovery, the little beam of light that was the warning beacon near the edge of that abyss, guiding me away from falling back down it.

This is not to say that I feel anything less towards my children, however when I felt that I was nothing but a disappointment to them, this little boy with his golden curls and heart melting smile has shown me that I have, and always did have the strength to be true to myself, to know I could make better choices and keep going, moving forward and believe in myself again.

I love how tarot can sometimes give us the little pat on the back, a metal 'high five', and reminds us that we're just where we need to be.

Tuesday, 25 November 2014

5 Coins and A Bit of Attitude

5 of Pentacles (L) Legacy of the Divine Tarot, (R) Tarot of the Hidden Realm.

I like how different tarot decks can bring different interpretations to the same card.  The example I am going to use is the 5 of Pentacles.  It is a card of ‘being down on your luck, of hard times and despair.

In Legacy of the Divine we see a woman begging, with a look on her face that is meant to instil pity in us.  However I feel it is a ‘poor me’, self-pity look, it is the face of someone who feels she has nothing, and nobody,  not even hope or a shoulder to lean on.   

If she could realise that behind her is the light of hope; that it isn’t all bad and the situation is not going to last forever then maybe she would not looks so hopeless, destitute and alone.  She does not need to be begging for help as the answer is there if she just looks behind her, indicating that a different direction or way of thinking would possibly resolve the problem.

I think we all have that one friend / acquaintance that, no matter what, is always full of woe, ‘the Wednesday child’.  It makes no matter if they had a winning lottery ticket in their hand, it would still be something to complain about.  They may feel their disappointments in life are not understood by anyone.  Yet they somehow fail to rejoice in their successes, they don’t reflect when they are having a tough time that there have been times of happiness, abundance and love. The ‘why me?’ mentality doesn’t wash with me, not when my beloved dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness at aged 39 and when my mother was bereft asking ‘Why us?’  My father’s dignified response was ‘Why not us?’.

In Tarot of the Hidden Realm’s depiction of the 5 of Pentacles, we see two young women, destitute, yet gaining comfort from each other.  They look cold, hungry and full of despair yet they both look as if they are reflecting on what has brought them to this place, how this has happened and hoping for an ending to it.

The figure on the left of the card looks as if she is knows it’s just a period of waiting, of letting things take their course, if they can hold out for that long.  And if they have each other then things will be more bearable.

As in life, we also have friends who will go through our tough times with us.  Some have been there themselves and can advise and sympathise.  Others are just feeling our pain and it gives them the opportunity to reflect on something that has brought some pain or difficulty in their life and possibly deal with unresolved issues in themselves.  These are our treasures when we have nothing else.   
Having that shoulder to lean on, to give an embrace when you feel so lost is sometimes the one thing that can keep us going?  And who hasn’t had that friend who has told you ‘things will look better in the morning’?  Because one morning,  it will.

8 of Cups and a Cylinder Head Gasket

8 of Cups Legacy of the Divine

Sometimes we just have to cut our losses and walk away.  It may be hard when we have invested so much into it and don’t want to feel like it was time and energy wasted.  But do you really want to keep wasting that time and energy.  Do you still have enough to give without losing yourself to a lost cause?

Over the last couple of days I have had to take a long hard look at myself to see if my situation was worth putting effort into when it was no longer working for me.

The 8 of Cups advises us to do just that.

When there is emotional investment, it can seem that we should just keep walking the same path as the idea of turning away can feel like we invalidate everything that has gone before.

But by staying with something that no longer works for us we start just going through the motions, we do it and know there is no joy at the end of it. We do it, knowing we are unfulfilled and we then start to resent it.  This, in turn, can start to eat away at us; it can start to become a burden.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

If you had money invested in that was consistently losing you money, you wouldn’t keep adding money to it.  You would hot foot your money out and put it somewhere safer.  Yet we do this with emotions and think that by keep working on it, things will improve.

Think of each act of love as a pound, a euro or a dollar, what percentage of interest are you getting back? Or are you sitting in negative equity?

Put that act of love where it is going to work for you.  Invest it in yourself.

Over the last couple of days I have felt the yo-yo of what I should do for the best, what is best for me.  And I have made that decision, as much as it will be hard to walk away, I have fond memories of when things were working, but unfortunately my car is going to the scrap yard.  I shall be sorry to see it go but I know it is for the best and I know something better will come along

Sunday, 23 November 2014

XV The Devil and The Phantom

XV The Devil (L) Radiant Rider Waite, (R) Legacy of the Divne

We are probably all familiar with the saying, ‘needs must when the devil drives’.  However would it make a difference if you were offered a lift in a beat up old van or a Ferrari?

The Devil speaks to us about our base feelings.  It questions our darkest desires and needs and just what we will do to achieve them.  He challenges that feeling of entrapment, but are we really tied to a certain situation?  Or do we actually have a way out, but find it’s more comfortable and easier to stay trapped so we don’t have to face the ugly truth?
In the Radiant Rider Waite deck we see the devil as a beast, a grotesque creature, the ugliness and the fear that our situation draws up in us, yet his two captives are quite happy to stay chained to him.
Surely he can’t be all bad then?  Is it that the beast serves us in that we can grasp what it is we want without having to ponder on the ethics of our method?  Sometimes it can be useful to have an ambition that can only be achieved by turning away from the needs of others and their opinions, an ambition that can only be reached ruthlessly and by using those dark little corners of our psyche that in reality we don’t want to acknowledge
In Legacy of the Divine tarot, The Devil is very different; I had one friend say ‘I wouldn’t mind being tempted, if he looked like that’.
And maybe this is what the image of this card tries to portray.  Just because something looks appealing, tempting us with the enigmatic ‘come hither’, it is not necessarily going to be good for us.  It can sometimes lead us down a path we would not usually take and deliver us to right to the front door our own personal hell.

We see in the card, the mask The Devil wears, is this to hide the ugliness of its true face? Are we the ones insisting the mask stay on his face?  Does it tempt us with the deceptive beauty expecting us to assume the true face of him is just as aesthetically appealing? Or do we really know what lies beneath and rather cover it so we do not have to look to closely?

Our poor Fool is sitting on his sand timer, trying to push away, that which he must face, yet cannot.   What has he gotten in to? What has he to see that distresses him in such a way? Why is he wanting distance from it?

Be it a situation or a part of ourselves that we do not want to accept, as like The Devil himself, it may have looked like such an attractive proposition on first glance.  Now we have to decide can we still bare to look once the mask is off and we see the true face of it.

I am suddenly imagining Phantom of the Opera with this card, as Christine, so vulnerable and naive is led by the prospect of being an amazing and famous opera singer, lured by the promise of her unseen mentor who tempts and cajoles her with words like a protective ‘angel’, however once the Phantom's mask is removed, can she really continue, knowing what she now knows of him.  What of the phantoms true intentions, his obsession and twisted ‘love’ for Christine.  Eventually she comes to realise that the price of her fame is not worth the disgust she feels and breaks away from the ties of the phantom (although I secretly wish she’d chosen him instead of Raul, cos when you look at Ramin Karimoo why wouldn’t you)
However I digress. The Devil is asking you to look deep at the actions you have taken, the choices you have made and whether they serve you in the right way.  Ultimately you can make a different choice.  Comfort zones are nice, that’s why we call them ‘comfort’ zones, going outside of them may bring you something far more comfortable, in your mind and in your heart.

Just my two pennies worth.  

Saturday, 22 November 2014

XI Justice and the Two Poles

XI Justice, Legacy of the Divine by Ciro Marchetti

Any tarot enthusiast is aware of the meaning of the Justice card in the Major Arcana. 

In the Rider Waite Smith deck Lady Justice is seen sitting in her seat, sword in one hand, scales in the other.

She's about balance, truth and reaping what has been sown by past actions.  'Just desserts' comes to mind.  She's a formidable character when it comes to self realisation and accepting that what you have got now, is because of what you gave in the past.

In the Legacy of the Divine tarot, I love that Justice is shown as 2 woman, their eyes covered and facing away from each other, as if they do not wish to acknowledge the other with their opposing reasoning, yet both have their hand on the scales, keeping everything in balance.  

However there is a association I have developed with this card over the time I have been using this deck. There are so many layers to every tarot card, differing meanings in each tarot deck, yet this one individual card has shown me something so unique to my close circle.  

It shows up frequently in the same 2 sitters readings, (these are friends and family, as I do not read for random strangers) and is usually accompanied by an assortment of cards that turn up regularly too.  Sometimes Justice is upright, other times reversed.

Reversed tends to show that the sitter is going into a crisis, upright it seems to show that their is some stability and may be managing their treatment well.

If I use the RWS deck, Justice is usually absent from their spreads, however with Legacy of the Divine, its as sure as eggs are eggs to turn up.

The two sitters it shows up for have one thing in common, they both suffer from Bipolar disorder (as diagnosed by a psychiatrist).
It can be well controlled with medication and therapy, but not always.  Stress an be a massive trigger to set a sufferer into a crisis. Some sufferers get only slight respite from their symptoms and others may only suffer the depressive side of the illness.  Each patient is unique in their presentation of the disorder
One of my friends is mostly depressive with only minor 'ups', my family member was rapid cycling prior to diagnosis (which took almost 2 years to convince them to seek help) and even now whilst medicated has huge extremes of mood frequently and she's 3 years in to treatment. 

The card combinations that turn up again and again are a mix of 10 of Swords, 10 of Wands, 5 of Wands and XV The Devil (when depression is the dominant), or XIX The Sun, XXI The World, 10 of Coins and 6 of Wands (when mania is dominant).

Obviously I don't pull all of these cards at the same time, but a combination of them will turn up alongside Justice.  And strangely enough they seem to reflect the current mood cycle of the sitter.  It is difficult and probably really long winded to write about but when these cards show up for my sitters, I know exactly where these cards are taking me. 

One of my sitters (I'll refer to her as 'G') always associates the figure in the white robe with her 'up' side and the figure in purple as her 'down' side, polar opposites that are supposed to work together to keep balance, which in Bipolar, doesn't.

 'G' knows her signals when either one of the Justice figures is pulling harder on the counterbalance, she is really in tune now with her disorder and will look for a reading when she's starting to feel (or others notice) that her mood is becoming erratic.

Her explanation of her mania is that everything revolves around her, She's grandiose, feels she is on top of the world, can achieve anything and makes wild exaggerations about her self, family and home life and says she invariably feels indestructible.

Her depressive episodes take her down a very dark path that leaves her literally in self destruct mode and has come close to that many times.

I don't know anyone elses' take on this, but I find it fascinating that this specific card carries this association for me. I'd love to hear anyone else's thoughts. 


Thursday, 20 November 2014

Light My Fire

Enchanted Map Oracle, Colette Baron Reid

I love the fact that what I do to pay the bills leaves me plenty of time to embrace the things I love.  I may not be an expert in any of my hobbies and interests but I have the luxury of time to pursue what makes my inner light shine.

As a child I loved to create, and was always being reprimanded for the scrappy bits of paper lying all over my bedroom floor among crayons, scissors, glue, pens and pencils.
I begged my mother to teach me how to knit at the age of 7 and spent many a happy time knitting blankets for my doll’s pram.  They were by no means perfect but it sparked something in me that made me realise, inspiration is enough to lead you anywhere.

Many years later I worked in a craft shop where I could indulge my passion for card making, scrapbooking, and mixed media art.  It also gave me th opportunity to demonstrate things I had learned and share that knowledge, in the hope that even one person gained inspiration to give it a go themselves.

I even taught myself to crochet about 12 years ago via the internet, something my mother had never learned to do so was unable to teach me.

I’m no expert at any of these activities, but, I can produce decent results.  The end result is not necessarily the goal for me, it’s the doing, and it’s the idea of taking some basic items and playing with them, from the initial idea, to the activity, of putting the idea into motion and doing it for me.  I'm not really bothered if someone doesn't appreciate my efforts, however its a bonus if they do.  Its a bit like keeping a diary, albeit a very tactile one, nobody keeps a diary for someone else to critique.its personal to the writer.  This is how I view my creations.

The same goes for my love of tarot and oracle cards.  I enjoy getting to know the cards, looking at each image, seeing how each one makes me feel.  My take on a card may not match some else's, however, neither is wrong, we just view things from slightly different angles  
Visually I adore Colette Baron Reid’s Enchanted Map oracle, the artwork is stunning. The images are rich, emotive and intriguing.

I look at these cards as mini pieces of art, and am in the process of using some of the images in a photo manipulation programme to create wall art for my home. 
I’m using the card ‘Spark’ to go on the wall in my bedroom, near my bed.  

I’m using the image and association of the card to remind me that every day I will find at least one thing that will bring me that flash of inspiration.  It may not be obvious at first but it maybe that one thing tat keeps coming back into our mind, as if the subconscious is telling us 'take note'.

Whether that be a creative inspiration, a topic that piques my interest and learn more about, (or blog about) even an insight to check in with myself, work on an underlying issue or just to remember to enjoy ‘being’.  It may be the tiniest thing, but it will resonate with me, touch my heart and my spirit.

I don’t want to spend my days with my eyes, ears and heart closed to what is happening around me.  I want be open to the little quirks of life that may sometimes pass us by.  

I talk to some people and think ‘How can someone be so blinkered?’  They must walk around with their eyes shut. 

This is an amazing planet we live on and a fascinating universe we exist in, why are some people just happy to merely exist here and can think no further than the tip of their noses.  

We, in the grand scheme of things, only inhabit this planet for a millisecond of time.  Surely it would be nice to think of just one thing we could leave behind to say ‘I was here’.  Just a small wisp of ourselves that, even if it touches just one single being, can be our legacy.

We can’t all be Michelangelo, Shakespeare or The Buddha, but we can be inspired by them, whether it be for the art, the mastery of language or their dedication of finding true spiritual peace. 

 We can all find a spark somewhere and use it to light a torch to guide us on our journey through this life.  You just need to be looking in all the right places


Wednesday, 19 November 2014

Like a Rubber Ball

Following on from yesterdays ramble, I suppose some people would plug me as someone who may not have taken responsibility of my actions in the past.

I can say that this is so far from the truth.  I have acknowledged the parts I have played in all the errors in my life.  I know my flaws and kindly do not need friends and family members pointing them out to me.  I am on a journey in this life and I wouldn't get anywhere if I kept re-visiting the stations I passed through earlier.  I want this ride to take me to places I have yet to see.

I do not believe that anything from the past should make you feel you are worth less than you really are.  We may be a different person in the aftermath but we still have the same value as we did before.  Sometimes choices have a strong impact on those around us.  Their negative thinking about it is their issue, it is not a reflection of who you are.  It is more a reflection on who they are

I am an expert in self sabotage however, I am working on understanding how and why I feel the need to do it.  Its dark and its scary but its all a part of who I am  I would never expect someone else to get to the bottom of my psyche for me and tell me how to stop doing it, all they could do is give you tools to work with  Every single one of us is made of different ingredients called experiences and what may be on persons sweetener could taste bitter and sour to someone else.  

I think we owe it to ourselves to do the hard work, put the time and effort in to learn what makes us tick.  You wouldn't become a baker and expect someone else to bake the bread, same as a cobbler wouldn't expect someone else to make the shoes.

We cannot rely on anyone to change our thought patterns and behaviours.  I've had 48 years of deeply entrenching my self doubts and self beliefs.  A therapist or counsellor sure as hell isn't going to change that in a few months of therapy. What they can do however is make you look at the thinking behind the actions or thoughts.  Its like holding up a mirror that can see right into yourself.  I don't want to think someone else's thought or beliefs anyway.  I want the power of thinking and knowing my own thoughts.

Yes, I do see a therapist on a regular basis, I am not ashamed to say it.  I've suffered from mental health issues on and off for many years and as much as it feels soul destroying at times, I will not allow it to be my 'story'.  I have specific triggers, however I know their names, I know their voices and I am able to identify them when they start making appearances. I have come a long way and I feel I can only keep going up.  I've had a 'rock bottom' and I would never want to go their again.  

Back to my point.  If you are 'broken' and are having issues, its not someone else's job to fix you, that has to come from you, from within.  Too much emphasis these days is put on the expectation of a third party to be the solution.  The only thing a third party can do is be the catalyst, to begin that change.  The actual change comes from you.  

Medication is not the solution, and I'm not saying throw that Prozac away, quite the opposite in fact.  Stick with medication, it has its place in the the recipe of recovery. The medication does not 'make you better', it merely gives the psyche a rest from the negativity so you can gain some clarity.

My mother has been on antidepressants for over 20 years, she complains she feels so sick of life, and nobody understands how she feels.  This woman has refused all offers of counselling and therapy because she says it won't help.  She is almost happy in her pit of despair, its her badge of honour, her story, to her its 'who she is'.  I feel sorry for her that she feels she is beyond help.  However everything that has gone wrong in her life, every negative impact is alway because of someone or something else, she takes no responsibility for her part in any of it.  She is so afraid of looking into that internal mirror that she has become so reduced as a person, as a mother and grandmother.

This is where we differ.  I have 2 failed marriages, been involved in toxic relationships, sabotaged myself financially, career wise and physically.  I have spent time looking at all of this,  I know the role I played in each and every one, however I know I am not a bad person, I',m not some pathetic, weak little woman who needs a man in her life to rescue her or validate her existence.  

I chose bad relationships because I thought I could fix these men,instead of fixing me, it was less scary than having to look at myself, end of. I sabotaged myself because the inner voice had accepted the negative opinions of me.  However I am a person who tries to see good in everyone and thus lay the problem.  By doing so, I couldn't see that my own spirit was being crushed, manipulated and weakened.  I have worked on that and I am happy and proud to be single.  I am in love with me.  Not in the vain, narcissitic way, but I can see that I am a warm, loving and extremely caring person, whose opinions count.  I can see when games are being played, when someone is trying to get the psychological upper hand.  Because through my time in therapy I have been shown how these games are played.  I am now strong enough to, instead of being a participant, be the referee.  I call time, blow the whistle and keep neutral.

I will not allow anyone to hold my personal power, it stays firmly with me.

1. The Magician of the Mature Kind

The Magician from Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

I'm feeling like The Magician today.  

I only started this blog a few days ago and felt just like The Fool,  in a rapid transition I feel  I am now The Magician.  I am starting to find things are changing and taking shape in my life. I know too that I am the one making these amazing changes.  I am the one in control of what this universe is offering me and I am embracing it and using it to its full potential.
Certain things that I felt were eluding me are now coming into being.  I had all the tools yet I didn't know it, I knew what I needed to achieve and yet I couldn't make it work.

Suddenly its as if everything has fallen into place, everything was there just waiting to be manipulated in the right way and I am now making a progression on my life path.
Being no spring chicken I assume most people would think that I should have progressed way further than this.  I had.  Yet, several times, however in the last few years I had a rapid succession of my Tower being struck down.

I'm not one to dwell on the past, never have been, I don't ever believe that going backwards achieves anything.  My motto comes from the  Donna Summer song 'I don't wanna get hurt' from about 1988 (I told you I was no spring chicken).  The 2 lines of the song are,  'I don't need all friends to remind me, mistakes that I've already made.  I just leave the past behind me, and go on believing that I'll be okay'.  Yup I live by this, it doesn't mean to say I don't have emotional scars, I do.  At a very deep level but I am working on these daily and I can see that the scars are self inflicted, and only I can heal them.  This is mainly what led me to tarot.  

However I digress.  My main point about the Magician card lies in the fact that most tarot decks I have looked at portray this card with a youthful figure.  My love of the card from Legacy of the Divine is that it portrays our magical manifestor as an older man.  Someone who has tried time and time again to get the conditions right.  

He has the face of a person who has the ravages of time imprinted on his skin.  Across his cheek is, what looks like, a scar. Was it possibly caused by previous efforts blowing up in his face ?  

This is a man who has worked many times to manifest his desires and looks as if he has had many strikes against him in his efforts. His eyes hold the look of someone who has had a 'Eureka' moment and cannot believe it is now happening. His full concentration is focused on his creation, scared to drop his gaze in fear that it will fall or disappear from him.  It is within his grasp, he can reach out and touch it, in solid form.

For this reason I love this card.  I love that it realises, that for some, it may take many years to understand how to bring everything together and make it into something real and solid.  Especially in todays world where it seems love is disposable and financial stability is fragile.  But don't get me started on that. 

Love and light xx

Monday, 17 November 2014

A New Deck Ramble

From top L-R: King of Pentacles, Ace of wands, Ace of Cups. Bottom L-R The High Priestess, 4 of Swords) 

I received my Tarot of the Hidden Realm (by Barbara Moore, art by Julia Jeffrey) a couple of days ago and I am in love.
These cards are absolutely beautiful.  I have posted a picture of some of my favourite images from the deck. however every image is enchanting
I was unsure about how good these would be to read with due to the lack of traditional symbols, however I think the expressive faces tell you everything you need to know.
For an intuitive reader they are an absolute delight as these cards speak to you from core level.

I was quite surprised by my choice of deck, as the muted earthy tones are a far cry from my usual deck, which is vibrant and lively with a lot of background imagery, however I feel this may be part of the attraction to this deck.  Beguiling fae beckon you to look closely, and listen carefully. The artwork is captivating, I am totally blown away

I'm not an avid fan of 'traditional' decks.  I do own a Rider Waite Smith deck but the imagery leaves me cold.  For traditional learning methods it is a good deck, however I've never done anything by the rules, I've got by this long on bending them or making my own, and its always worked for me.

I do study my RWS and have several tarot books, I do try and absorb traditional meanings but, as in every aspect of life, everyones view is different, not right or wrong, just different and some of my tarot books although conveying similar messages can be  'off the mark' for me.

Its a lifelong process and who knows, if I'm still alive and kicking in 25 years time I may just have got some handle on 'traditional' meanings.  But for now its all about going with the flow, its something I've suppressed for many years due to various issues, and I now feel comfortable in my slightly sagging skin to take control and follow my heart.

As for the here and now, I'm just going to get to know these beautiful creatures because I feel this is going to be a very happy relationship.

Sunday, 16 November 2014

0 The Fool

I feel like The Fool in tarot.

I am stepping out into a new adventure and have  no idea where this is taking me.
I'm more likely to ramble on and just stumble on my way and learn as I go.  I have no expectations, as I know little of this cyber world, so I have no fear of stepping out, making mistakes and finding what this world has in store.

I'm relatively new to tarot but I am absolutely hooked, I am studying at my own pace, in my own way and it seems as though everything is falling into place.  Never having been one for rigid learning methods and best left to my own devices, I'll ask for help when I need it.

I appreciate input and happily consider other peoples opinions.  I may not always get to the point someone is making in the same way that they formed their opinion.  I think 'off in tangents', I play with ideas, toy with them, even role play them in my mind to see how they sit with me and then I can see the other persons point.

Maybe that is why oracle cards and tarot appeal so much.  Its input gives me different perspectives to work with and absorbing the messages given by the cards is like a gym session for my mind.

I love the idea of a visual aid to get the mind working, I can ponder over the message of a card for hours, even days.  If this sounds like a 'nothing better to do' statement, it isn't.  I go about my daily business and see where the message fits in to each situation, Come a certain time of night I will switch off that thinking, turn my attention elsewhere, paint, draw, craft and create. I let my brain choose its free time like a child at playtime at school.  I let it burn off the excess energy in whichever way I feel works best.