This Person May Be Hazardous

How many of us have toxic relationships?  If we are honest we all probably have at least one person in our lives who we feel we would rather be without yet find it hard to walk away from.

Toxic relationships can vary from that 'friend' who always has to put us down, to the overcritical parent right the way through to an abusive partner.

When we stop and look at these relationships in the cold light of day, even through someone else's eyes it can be quite saddening to see how we let these people make us feel. 

I believe the tarot can show this through various cards,, firstly lets start with our old friend The Devil:

 The Devil can symbolise the scapegoat, selfishness, self delusion,  and a dysfunctional relationship

Are we really chained and bound by the devils chains?  We are, in actuality, free to release ourselves at any time.  Yes, we have that choice, although we sometimes are brought so low by constantly being put down, we fail to see it  .  

In toxic relationships, we usually are the scapegoat, the one the other person projects their negative traits on, and they take great pleasure in pointing out 'our' flaws to us and others.  This gives them power, it makes us eventuslly believe that even though this relationship feels intrinsically wrong, by being so flawed, who else would be-friend us.

Often these toxic people are self deluded, by projecting their insecurities they convince themselves of their perfection, they portray it as a badge of honour, happy to tell anyone who will listen how they have martyred themselves to maintain a relationship with  such a lowly creature as us.  So we continue to keep the chains that bind us to The Devil  intact, 'better the Devil you know' fits perfectly here. 

I actually like the card in Tarot of the Hidden Realm's portrayal of The Devil, it is called Shadow Dance.  It fits so well with the theme.

I remember  when trying to come to terms with the physical and emotional scars left over  from a seriously abusive partnership, I read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, it was given to me a one of the Womens Aid Refuge workers.

It explained how the self perpetuated cycle of a toxic relationship worked.  It is as though we take part in psychological dance, each step written as a formal move,  we repeat the same steps over and over, until we have perfected it enough to win  trophies.  The clue in ending this dance is to change the steps, throw in a jive when the other is not expecting it, dip and heel, ball , shuffle in an unexpected part of the cycle and the toxic person loses their momentum, thus losing control. 

As the card itself is called Shadow Dance  it is interesting to see how the other person,s shadow side is brought closer to the surface when we do the twist in the middle of our usual foxtrot.

Another card I feel fits with the theme of toxic relationships is the 5 of Swords.  Who is the person with the smug look on their face, collecting his trophies as the other figures walk away, heads bowed.  Does this card portray how you feel at the end of any social event when your toxic person is involved.

Does this toxic person feel good about themselves for the fact that they have, very openly upset others.  Usually you find a toxic person only feels successful when they have caused maximum hurt or embarrassment to their chosen scapegoat.  It may not even be noticeable by others, however when you are constantly being sniped at and little comments being made it starts to build, and slowly wears you down, then, as other people are unaware of the constant poison, you are made to think you are over reacting. 

This is not usually the case though, we never 'over react', we react in exactly the right way as to how a situation makes us feel.

The 8 of Cups can be the best outcome card for toxic relationships,  As the lone figure walks away from the 8 cups, head bowed and mountains to climb, sometimes although hard, to leave those emotions and ties that you feel, behind you, it is as though climbing up to that higher ground can give you the clarity you need.  Those cups you left behind may be filled with all sorts of emotions but that tide is going to come in and knock those cups over and empty them all, to eventually be washed away.  

As 2015 approaches, I ave been looking at some relationships that have a toxic feel to them, some I am preparing to cut loose, others I may have to take dance lessons for as cutting the ties is not viable, however if I can stop their choice of music I can stop dancing to their tune.

  

XV The Devil and The Phantom

XV The Devil (L) Radiant Rider Waite, (R) Legacy of the Divne

We are probably all familiar with the saying, ‘needs must when the devil drives’.  However would it make a difference if you were offered a lift in a beat up old van or a Ferrari?

The Devil speaks to us about our base feelings.  It questions our darkest desires and needs and just what we will do to achieve them.  He challenges that feeling of entrapment, but are we really tied to a certain situation?  Or do we actually have a way out, but find it’s more comfortable and easier to stay trapped so we don’t have to face the ugly truth?

In the Radiant Rider Waite deck we see the devil as a beast, a grotesque creature, the ugliness and the fear that our situation draws up in us, yet his two captives are quite happy to stay chained to him.

 

Surely he can’t be all bad then?  Is it that the beast serves us in that we can grasp what it is we want without having to ponder on the ethics of our method?  Sometimes it can be useful to have an ambition that can only be achieved by turning away from the needs of others and their opinions, an ambition that can only be reached ruthlessly and by using those dark little corners of our psyche that in reality we don’t want to acknowledge

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In Legacy of the Divine tarot, The Devil is very different; I had one friend say ‘I wouldn’t mind being tempted, if he looked like that’.

 

And maybe this is what the image of this card tries to portray.  Just because something looks appealing, tempting us with the enigmatic ‘come hither’, it is not necessarily going to be good for us.  It can sometimes lead us down a path we would not usually take and deliver us to right to the front door our own personal hell.

We see in the card, the mask The Devil wears, is this to hide the ugliness of its true face? Are we the ones insisting the mask stay on his face?  Does it tempt us with the deceptive beauty expecting us to assume the true face of him is just as aesthetically appealing? Or do we really know what lies beneath and rather cover it so we do not have to look to closely?

Our poor Fool is sitting on his sand timer, trying to push away, that which he must face, yet cannot.   What has he gotten in to? What has he to see that distresses him in such a way? Why is he wanting distance from it?

Be it a situation or a part of ourselves that we do not want to accept, as like The Devil himself, it may have looked like such an attractive proposition on first glance.  Now we have to decide can we still bare to look once the mask is off and we see the true face of it.

I am suddenly imagining Phantom of the Opera with this card, as Christine, so vulnerable and naive is led by the prospect of being an amazing and famous opera singer, lured by the promise of her unseen mentor who tempts and cajoles her with words like a protective ‘angel’, however once the Phantom's mask is removed, can she really continue, knowing what she now knows of him.  What of the phantoms true intentions, his obsession and twisted ‘love’ for Christine.  Eventually she comes to realise that the price of her fame is not worth the disgust she feels and breaks away from the ties of the phantom (although I secretly wish she’d chosen him instead of Raul, cos when you look at Ramin Karimoo why wouldn’t you)

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However I digress. The Devil is asking you to look deep at the actions you have taken, the choices you have made and whether they serve you in the right way.  Ultimately you can make a different choice.  Comfort zones are nice, that’s why we call them ‘comfort’ zones, going outside of them may bring you something far more comfortable, in your mind and in your heart.

Just my two pennies worth.  

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