Netflix and Slapped Wrists

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine 

It's funny how you sometimes hear the voice of another through the cards.  I felt like today I had my hand slapped from my mother when I did my daily draw.

I took the weekend for some quiet time (and by quiet time I mean a Netflix binge), I even had it marked in my planner that this was my intention.

Clearly marked for today though was my plan of action for making a start on transforming my daughter's now unused bedroom into a calm and soothing meditation and yoga room.  I picture it in my head, all warm neutrals with accents of soothing colour.  A dark walnut unit dressed with some carefully chosen items and plants, a light crisp voile window covering to filter the sunlight and ambient lighting for the evening.

It's so real I can feel it's peaceful atmosphere soothing me already.

Then comes The Empress and 10 of Winter.  I ponder it for a few minutes but decide if I just get on with my day it would become clear.  I just didn't realise how clear it would be.

Full of my vision and fired up to make this real, I set off with gusto, excited at the idea of making this special place where I can close off from the noise and activity of the outside world.  Envisioning the end result, like a protective cocoon, where I can retreat to the unconditional love of the cosmos.  

BLAM!!!!! Reality check time. 

Those 2 cards were telling me quite clearly, yes it's time to start to develop this plan, now that I have exactly what is needed it's time to build it, to grow it and make this haven, but maybe finishing the half started jobs would make the going so much easier in the long run. As that delightful little fairy looks up at the sun, focusing on its beauty, she's not considering the steep mountainside and the forest of trees she needs to manoeuvre through. She's only seeing the sun.

Yep, that moment of realising that this longed for space was only ever half cleared out, my daughter only taking what she had room for and leaving things behind.  My bad, I admit, I couldn't bring myself to empty the room completely, as if doing so would eliminate part of the past.  It's a silly notion but I think every parent feels a touch redundant when a child moves out, especially the youngest, the 'baby' of the family.

I can see now though, that an empty bedroom makes me no less her mum, having more physical distance between us is actually a very bonding experience as we treasure the time we do spend together.

So those cards today seemed to have my mother's voice as they told me, just as she would, 'you want this space?  you're willing to put the effort in? Well finish what you originally started before you go any further young lady! Get this sorted out before you take one more step'.

It's great to see the bigger picture, to be able to visualise the end result, but if we aren't dealing with the loose ends that need sorting then we may as well quit before we start.

As with everything in life, to get something,  you have to be prepared to let go of something. So I am armed with boxes and rubbish bags, a 'keep' pile and a 'charity store' pile because a room for tranquility really can't be that when I'm stepping over books, Playstation games and CDs from 1998 that no self respecting 22 year old would admit to ever owning.

Seeds of Change

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine 

I remember the first time I blew a dandelion clock, I made the huge mistake of inhaling hard before blowing, ending up with a mouthful of fluffy seeds that choked me until my nose bled.  

Never being one to allow such an incident to hinder doing it again and again, I would pick these little bubbles of fluff whenever I spied  them, watching those tiny seeds drift out into the world seemingly lighter than air, where they would settle and flourish wherever they landed.

Drawing the 8 of Spring and The Empress today, I couldn't see how the 8 of Spring related to a traditional 8 of Wands.  Looking at these dandelion clocks, undisturbed by the fairy's movement, is reminiscent of the ones I picked that were not quite ready to dispatch their seeds. The ones where no amount of huffing and puffing would set the potential life airborne.  And this is what I feel this combination is telling me.

It's no good trying to force things to happen just yet, things need their own time to fully blossom before allowing the natural progression to take place.  Just keeping a watchful eye on seeing things reach their best chance of travelling as far possible with no intervention. Allowing them to just be as they are at the moment means I can give myself a better chance of being able to create something that stands a much better chance of growing into something better, stronger and more fruitful in the long term.

So I'm not rushing anything just yet, I'm just going to see how far my little seed gets once its ready to make its own way out in the world. 

Cosmetic Spending and The Devil Within.

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh. 

Having sat working through my Rituals for Living planner, I've amended my goals to a more realistic level. One of my main challenge areas has been finances and its time to get a grip.

Like the majority of people worldwide, money gets tighter every month, as the financial institutions that run our planet tighten their choke hold on its ordinary citizens. And as I look at where my money goes (or went in 2015) I notice that so much went where I thought I wanted it to go, instead of where it probably should have gone.

A tasty cappuccino at Costa (sorry Starbucks but until you pay your share of corporate taxes I ain't buying), a pre-packaged sandwich there and it starts to mount up. Really mount up. Add into that, the books, the card decks and the other pretty shiny 'needful' things that find their way into my shopping basket, I realised that bemoaning the fact I am always broke is quite ironic.  Worrying about rent, fuel bills, petrol and the other necessities seems quite hypocritical, especially in a world where to a lot of people, a safe roof over their heads is just a dream. 

So taking note of my cards today, Ego (The Devil) and 2 of Winter, I realise that I participate too readily in 'work, buy, consume, die' vortex.  My justification is that I work, so why shouldn't I reward myself? But who am I really rewarding, because by the middle of the month I am scraping pennies together to survive, having convinced myself I'll budget better the following month. Not facing the harsh truth that I am in a self made trap.

I don't need these things, I just want them, convinced by the devil on my shoulder that I deserve them, I'm allowed a treat, and it'll make me feel goooooood, it'll distract me from the real issues.    

So my planner is now set up to make me accountable for unnecessary spending.  I have notes in my purse that ask me 'do I want or do I need?'  My bank card has a note wrapped around it telling me to pause, breathe and decide, is this emotional spending or survival spending?

We all deserve a treat, but a treat is something that is occasional, mine were habits, bad ones that promised me I'd feel good/better/happier.

In reality I felt no such thing, I felt disappointed at my lack of self restraint, unhappy that my bank balance looked so bleak and stressed that I'd be living on beans on toast for days on end.

It's going to be tough, but in the grand scheme of things, I have coffee in the house, I can make a sandwich to pop in my bag to take with me to work. It'll be even tougher not looking at deck reviews, and listening to the hype on the next must have deck, only reading books I have in my collection and not succumbing to new releases.  

It's time to be brutal and look at my culpability in my lack of finances and learn to ignore the devil on my shoulder, encouraging myself to buy, buy, buy,  whispering to me that I'm worth it.  Maybe I should call it L'Oreal, 

A Surreality Check

Image from pixabay.com 

I love those random moments in life that make you stop and think, 'What the heck just happened?'

My cards for Monday were 4 of Swords, The Tower and The Fool.  My first thought was panic,  could it be that while I was sleeping my house would collapse and I'd have to become a vagrant. Luckily it was nothing so drastic, in fact my day took a very surreal turn.

Yes, Monday held one of those moments.  It was a moment that, afterwards, gave me such a good vibe, I could feel the positive energy just oozing from me.

I decided to join my daughter whilst she walked her unexhaustable dog Elphie through some local woods, as it was a beautiful day, sunny with a slight breeze, and far too nice to spend in the house.  I just felt the need to recharge my batteries with some earth energy and the woods was just the right place to go.

Now Elphie is a 5 month old Border Collie from farm stock, she is obedient, fast and tireless so a good walk was needed to burn some excess energy, because walking for miles through the Yorkshire countryside the day previous just hadn't cut the mustard with her.

After slipping her leash in the woods, Elphie  found a pug who seemed more than happy to play, and as we walked a conversation between the pug's owner and ourselves started.  There was an energy coming from him that seemed to click with me immediately, however my daughter thought I'd lost all reasoning, as I am usually very guarded around strangers.

However, this man was interesting, articulate, quirky even, and the conversation felt easy and refreshing.  As we meandered along the track, the pug's owner asked if we knew what the building on the river bank opposite was.  When  I looked through the trees, I was so taken aback, as the building was actually the farm where Elphie, the dog, was born, her birth home.  

Not realising that we had walked so far from our usual path, this lovely man kept us talking, he asked about our jobs, our family and about Elphie.  But surprisingly it didn't feel odd, it was a comfortable conversation, there was a familiarity about him, but I could not recall from where.

He took us walking on paths and tracks we had never been on before, showed us some of the best views of the woods and before we knew it we had been walking for almost an hour and a half.  Both dogs still going strong.

When we eventually returned to the car park, we were re-leashing the dogs, when this gent, eventually introduced himself.  And then the penny dropped, he is a stand up comic, well known, and just back from the Edinburgh Festival.

I couldn't believe we had spent nearly 2 hours with him, rambling and chatting about life in  general, laughing at the intricacies of life and had totally failed to notice who he was.  But he was a pleasure to talk to, down to earth and engaging.  He had shared things about his personal life, his family and the love for his dog.  We talked about toddler tantrums, our rather more comical parenting fails, and our jobs-we-hate-but-have-no-choice-but-to-do.

And the nicest thing, the thing that really lifted me, was the way he thanked my daughter and I for making his walk a joy and sharing our day with him.  He thanked Elphie as well for keeping his dog company too. 

But here was a man, with tv appearances under his belt, a venue at the Edinburgh Festival and who does nationwide comedy tours, thanking us for making his day.  It certainly made me feel, somehow humble, that my company (and my daughters) in a rather bizarre situation would be seen as something special.

It definitely instills my belief that, being true to who you really are, being honest and open and accepting of others, brings a certain energy that can be seen and felt by others.  Of all the dog walkers in those woods, how had it been us who clicked?  The strangest thing is this man's dog doesn't usually enjoy the company of other dogs, Elphie is usually very submissive to other dogs, and yet they played chase, hide and seek like old friends, but never went far from us or each other. 

Maybe these dogs sensed the energy flow, maybe it was their energy that drew us humans together.  I will probably never know, all I know is, out of the many bizarre days I have had in my life (and oh boy! there have been many), this one stands out on top.  I mean how many times in your life do you ramble through the woods with a celebrity and his dog in tow and to be thanked for your company, for being entertaining, interesting and 'real'. 

For me, I feel that never would I have seen any of this when I pulled my cards that morning, but looking back, it made perfect sense, in a surreal kind of way.

Embracing the Darkness

Back, L - R Chronicles of Destiny Fortune Cards by Josephine and Emily Ellershaw, Oracle of Visions by Ciro Marchetti

Fey Tarot by Mara Agham and  Ricardo Minetti, front center Holistic Tarot by Benebell Wen

Recently I've noticed the days here are starting to get considerably shorter, as summer starts to loosen it's hold  Just weeks ago it was possible to enjoy sitting out in the garden until almost bed time.  Now it has turned cooler and my nights need a focus.

I've taken the opportunity to prepare in advance for how I shall invest my time and gave into the urge to splurge.  

Three of the four items I bought had been sitting on my wishlist since their respective release dates.  Chronicles of Destiny Fortune Cards (Shiffer Publishing) sparked my interest due to its unique reading method.  So far I've used it only for a couple of daily draws.  To say it has been spookily accurate is an understatement.  Although it may be a while before I take them 'out to play', as I'm a little bit besotted with them and don't want to share.  (Imagine a woman in her late forties, clutching the box and throwing a tantrum while shouting 'but they're mine, waaaaaah!!!!'  Embarrassing, I know) 

The next item that mysteriously ended up tumbling off my wish list and into my eager little hands was Oracle of Visions (US Games Systems).  I am a huge fan of Ciro's Legacy of the Divine Tarot deck.  This deck and I go back a few years, and I understand some people don't like digitally designed deck's (some are truly awful), but this deck really speaks to me, it's vibrant and chatty and having been in its bag for a few months, it likes to have a catch up.  It never disappoints.  This spurred me to get Oracle of Visions, having seen the images online I knew I had to have it.  Heck! I even started my journal on it before I even had the deck.  The artwork doesn't just speak to me, it sings, like John Owen Jones. It hits the emotions, triggers the intuition and just sends me off into a rather surreal land in my head. But it makes sense to me,  even without 'definitions' (which I actually prefer).

The final 'oops how did that get in my basket' purchase was, of course Benebell Wen's Holistic Tarot.  After all the amazing reviews and write ups I knew I had to have it.  I love Benebell's blog and the tone of the book is similar. It's easy to read and understand.  The chapters are not heavily laden with jargon.  I'm loving what I have read so far (and given the size of the book, percentage wise it's not much).

My final purchase was only by coincidence.  I've liked the look of Fey Tarot (Lo Scarabeo) for a long time, but always prioritised other decks on my wish list. As much as I like a lot of Lo Scarabeo deck's, the accompanying LWB leaves much to be desired
For 5 days running, this deck kept popping up, on blogs, in exchange readings,on the temptation feed Amazon put on your personal page, you know the one.........other things we think you may like.  Never ever be tempted to look, it's a trap!!!!!  So I decided, there must be a reason this deck is haunting my every online moment.  There it was an 'as new' copy for not a lot of money, so I guessed why not.  I got a good bargain, but imagine my utter joy to find the full companion book for sale too, for less than £2.  (Ironically this was delivered 3 days before the cards arrived).  The book has delightful preliminary sketches of card details as done by Mara Agham, and goes into detail of how she expanded or even changed her original artwork to capture, what is a lovely, readable deck. 

So now that the nights are drawing in, and the neighbours retreat behind their front doors earlier than of late, I'm content to retreat too.  I have new worlds to visit, new lands to explore, oh, and a Christmas list to compile. I'll be heading over to Amazon then to re-categorise my wish list, (just a subtle hint to my family, if you're reading this)

Seratonin and SCUBA Diving

Found on Pinterest

Anyone who has ever suffered with depression can tell you, it is a cruel taskmaster.  So it was lovely to see Kelly-Ann aka The Four Queens speak candidly about her experience with depression in this video.  She is so eloquent and calm in her delivery of what I feel is a very honest and open dialogue about her mental health history, and her acceptance of this part of her life is reassuring to others who may be currently battling with acceptance of their own.  I know my daughter has learned to accept herself more through certain videos from Kelly-Ann and accepts her scars as something that manifested itself in her, but does not need justifying to others.  The people who matter to my daughter don't need to ask, the people who ask do not matter.

So as a way of a response to the video I decided to have a ramble about my own battle and my feelings on the attitudes of depression.

Only in the past 2 year have I managed to pull myself out of the black hole that had me trapped for over 3 years.  It's been a long climb up the path of recovery, two steps forward, one step back most of the time.  I dealt with mine using a combination of medication, therapy and taking a proactive approach.  I can now say that I am free from the medication and no longer have therapy but I still check in with myself regularly, I still make that mental visit to see if there is anything that my 'inner friend' needs.  

I would like to think most people who have dealt with depression and come through the other side do this.  It's not alway easy though, to recognise the thought patterns that can  take them back to that dark place.  Sometimes it isn't possible to avoid going along that path again and again, as anyone with depression knows.

People are quick to judge someone with depression, as it is not an illness that is easily seen.  Most sufferers cover it up so well that when crisis happens, what I call 'The Abyss', people around are shocked, even surprised.  They wonder how it has happened, why it has happened, and the most common reaction is telling the sufferer that they should have told people they were struggling. When in reality the times that we do reach out, I found the most common responses were;

Oh, it'll sort itself out.
Everybody has problems 
Pull yourself together/get a grip
You'll be fine, you're a strong person.

I feel over the years, depression has been re-defined and not in a good way, by people who have no real understanding of it.  Depression has become something that has been relegated to the ranks of having a bad day.  But it is not ' a bad day', it is not feeling fed up because you didn't get what you wanted.  It is  certainly not shedding some tears in  the doctors office, in the hope they will give you an official letter, so your university will give you special dispensation on your degree score, as you were too busy living it up instead of studying.  (Yes, I have been witness to all of these cases of 'depression').

Then there are the people who do not realise depression is a chemical imbalance, the lack of seratonin, that anybody can develop. Even the most successful, wealthy, loved, respected and publicly adored.  Yet it seems common for others to judge by wondering what these people have to be depressed about.    It is not the exclusive realm of the lonely, poor and under appreciated.  My depression started when I was married, we had a very good income, respectable jobs even 2 holidays abroad every year.  But depression caught me in its web and now, single, working a low paid job and taking each day with acceptance for whatever may happen, and not judging mine or others choices, I am happier than I have been for many years.

Depression, real depression is that smothering, crushing feeling, when,  no matter how you try and look at things, there is nothing. There is no feeling of hope or joy, there is no feeling of worthiness, there is no feeling of understanding.  There is only fear, hopelessness, mistrust and a mental loneliness as your brain tells you that you are stupid, nobody cares, and what is the point when you are useless and fail at everything and nobody really likes you, they are just being polite (these were just some of my constant mental processes when I started down the slope).

 But the treatment of depression has to be a proactive one.  Medication works for most people but the individual's thought processes have to be worked on, altered and diverted.  If not, then the medication just masks the underlying  issues and the cycle of depression remains.  I had 3 different talking therapies, not all worked, everybody is different though and what didn't work for me can be the key for someone else.

My mother is a perfect example of what Kelly-Ann describes as cloaking oneself in their depression.  To my mother it defines who she is, it excuses her cruel side and feeds her need for attention and getting her own way.  She wears it as her badge of honour.  She has been on antidepressants for 20 years (since my father's death).  She refuses talking therapy, as she claims the therapists are useless and don't help.  She expects them to solve the issues and feels they should provide her with the answers that only she can give. 

She refuses to participate in anything that may be enjoyable unless it is something she wants to do, and if she does take part, she will criticise and complain for the duration, spoiling it for everyone else lest she is proven wrong and she has a good time.  

And yet she feels her happiness is everybody else's responsibility.  I don't judge her for it, she has no understanding of her illness and doesn't want to learn about it.  So I accept her as she is and arm myself mentally against any negativity she wants to throw out into the world.  For if she won't  help herself, then I, nor anyone else can do it for her.  

Ironically it was my mother who helped me recover, when she made the comment, after being medicated myself for almost 3 years, that I was going to end up like her, stuck on 'useless' drugs for the rest of my life.  My inner rebel sat up and thought no way am I turning into my mother.  My path for recovery was set, that very day.  

I knew there was some positive things in my life, I knew I could find that fun, loving person that was squashed so far down inside of me.  I knew I had to coax her back, gently with love, compassion and patience.  I had to wrap my arms and heart around the 'me' that the depressive mind had told me was gone and I never deserved anyway.  I had to dive deep, search through the murky depths and try and find that little glimmer of gold. Believe me it took some time to find it through the wreckage that lay covering it. Once I found that first little piece I went back every day and searched for more and more, until it was like I had found the actual treasure chest, where all the happiness lay.  I can not say I will never suffer any further episodes of depression, it is not something I plan on, however nobody ever does, but I know for now my life feels good I am happy with who and where I am and that is what matters more than anything. 

From Buckets to Bengalore, to Breakthroughs

XI Breakthrough.  Osho Zen Tarot.

 Being 'of a certain age', I have, over the course of the past six months, been writing my bucket list.  The idea being, once I hit my next birthday, I will start crossing things off, said list.  Some items on the list are relatively small things, such as going camping with my grandson.  Others are far more adventurous.

I've always had wanderlust, my mother calls it 'itchy feet syndrome', and doesn't understand why I want to investigate this wonderful planet we inhabit.  A bit rich coming from the woman who dragged two children under the age of four across to the other side of the world, and back again.  I feel being so transient in my younger years has left it's mark.

My parents emigrated to Australia in 1966 by sea, a journey of almost 7 weeks, and we travelled back to the U.K in 1971 in the same manner.  I can say I've been to some amazing places although cannot recall most of them now.  I do know I have been through the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal, I have sailed over the equator twice and have trinkets and souvenirs from places, that in my childhood, many people could only fantasise about.

When we arrived back to the U.K, we were effectively homeless, but my parents worked miracles going from lodging with relatives to buying a small 2 bedroomed flat, to a 3 bedroomed house within 2 years.

That never satisfied my mother though, she wanted bigger, better, more space, a bigger garden, a nicer area.  And so I was moved about more than most.

This has always been a part of my life.  I've never been one to want bigger and better though,  I just like investigating different places.  I've lived in rural areas, I've lived city centre.  I have done conventional and controversial but I always enjoy the adventure.

So there on my bucket list is the desire to live at an Ashram in India, it's a big wish as I fear flying, but there is such a strong pull for me to do it.  It is something of the long term goal as obviously I would need money for flights and back up, but I have my heart set on it and am planning ways in which to achieve it.  I cannot shake the feeling that this is something that I will regret not doing.

I have done  community living before, where everyone worked for one goal, that however was for the material benefit of a singular person.  It was hard work with no nurturing of the spirit, only relentless physical work.  This time I want to assist with something worthwhile, for the benefit of all beings, the benefit of this amazing planet and for the benefit of spiritual nourishment.

I asked the Osho Zen for a card to show how following this idea could help me grow and it gave me XI Breakthrough.  In brief, I feel this experience will break down any barriers I have about my spiritual growth, stripping me down to my very essence, giving me the chance to begin a whole new way of living my life spiritually for the better.

I think I've been given a big thumbs up from the universe, now all I need to do is start saving hard and getting my priorities set.  Time to address the unnecessary spending and relinquish the so called necessities, that in the cold light of day are little more than snacks for the ego.

Ker-Ching and I Ching

Tao Oracle by Ma Deva Padma

I took a mini road trip today, along with my daughter, grandson and puppy (both make up the Toddler Squad) to visit my youngest daughter at her new home since she re-located to another part of the country.  I had been wanting to go and visit her but my finances were tied up elsewhere and it just wasn't possible. 

You see, we like to make a proper day of it, eating out, coffees at nice cafés and with having a toddler in tow, there is always something to buy to appease his need for everything he sees.

The weather was beautiful and made a very long drive through the English countryside a pleasure.

Driving through the Yorkshire Dales is like stepping back in time, the views are spectacular, the roads are winding and the company was great. 

We enjoyed a nice lunch from a quaint little deli, then spent the rest of the day walking along the river, feeding the ducks, playing in the park and browsing the quirky, independent shops (the village has an amazing natural health store).  It was so relaxing and it was nice to see my youngest letting her hair down after 4 years of serious studying for her degree. It was nice to spoil her a little.

It's always a wrench when I leave her,  I still see the little girl she was, as she waves us goodbye, even though she is 22 and lives with her partner, she will always be 'my baby'.

There's always that feeling of an empty nest when I arrive home, although my dogs give me such a welcome and usually spend the night cuddling up to me, it's not quite the same.

So arriving home this evening I was greeted with 2 excitable dogs and a parcel.  My Tao Oracle has finally arrived.  I have had this deck on my wish list for so long and was recently enabled by Ellen to purchase it. 

It has made coming home a little less daunting as I had eagerly anticipated this deck's arrival.

I cannot wait to get some time in with the cards, having only had a quick browse through the deck (stunning images) and  a quick glance through the book, which looks quite meaty.   However I have plenty of time on my hands to relish it and take my time with it as I am now back to pauper status.  

Unboxed

The Secret Diary of Pisces Moon Aged ..........

Vibrational Energy Oracle by Debbie A. Anderson

Sundays are my day I do my weekly spread.  It just gives me a nice overall picture for my coming week.  I am so impressed by the Vibrational Energy Oracle, I chose to test run it for this reading, instead of a usual one card daily draw.

To say this deck is accurate is an understatement......... this deck has been reading my diary!

Current situation, Inspired Juggler.
I currently childmind my 2 year old grandson while his mum works. She has been doing so many extra hours recently I feel like I am rarely in my own home and when I am, I'm doing the usual chores (my daughter has a great little fairy that does her housework).   Add to the mix, 2 dogs, 1 puppy, 4 guinea pigs and 3 rabbits.

In between there are my tarot readings and all the networking that entails, my mother's health issues, my youngest daughter re-locating and I feel like anymore balls added to my juggling act will make me drop every single one.

Emotional challenge, The F Word.
Oh there are many I could use.  This is a word I need to scream, to release and my chosen word is............FATIGUE!!!!  I just want to wake up refreshed and not have to start planning my day before my feet hit the floor.  So the word I am throwing out into the universe to free myself from is, Fatigue.

Advice, Release.
Time to heal and rid myself of this feeling of overwhelming tiredness, to get some real rest and recover some energy.  This week is a week of slowing down the pace and the demands on me.

Scarily accurate, when this week, my daughter has a weeks holiday from work, my youngest daughter has now got all her personal items from home and the weather report looks good, so my guinea pigs can play in the garden and my dogs can have some outings to their favourite places and for once my mother has no medical appointments.

I really must buy a lock for my diary and hide it from this deck.

Shusssssssh!

I feel like a neglectful momma, my absence as been duly noted and dealt with.

I sort of got lost in my backlog of 'books I really had to buy as I really want to read them'.  I have a habit of going through my wish list and buying books, that although may look good on my bookshelf, were actually bought to read.  So I have had a literary-fest and have been losing myself in my books.

It is surprising to find that books I have on my Amazon wish list are actually sitting on my shelf at home (I know, I am a hoarder).  This tells me I have a problem and really need to get my bookshelves organised and possibly data based.  
I admit to having two 6 foot high bookcases, with every shelf at least two books deep of books that I own.  

My taste in reading is so varied that I could probably use section makers like Waterstones do.  Alas I just pile them wherever I happen to find a space and so have a jumble of titles, authors and subjects as varied as Oscar Wilde right through to Darren Shan.  I have Idiot's guides through to Richard Dawkins, Terry Pratchett to HH The Dalai Lama.  

I hate to admit that I also have boxes of books in my loft, under my bed and in my spare room.  But I just cannot bare to get rid of books.  Some I must admit I have passed on to charity shops, jumble sales, friends and family, but only the books I have little interest in or have not enjoyed.  I still have my collection of Enid Blyton's Famous Five books somewhere.  

So I have been in hibernation with my books, and as the days get warmer I will be found in my garden with a book in my hand and my dogs by my side and a cup of capuccino. 

By this time next year I may have even got through one shelf of books if I am lucky enough to have the time, as there is always tarot to distract me from my wordy friends......  Oh, and don't get me started about my Kindle.

Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible (well, when I finish the chapter I'm reading).

Related To Royalty.

Queen of Swords, Tarot Illuminati by Erik.C.Dunne.

In the tarot world I always tell people my mother is the Queen of Swords, this is followed by the other person doing a sharp intake of breath and then usually a half laughing, half sympathetic, 'Oh dear'.

I love the depiction of the Queen in the Illuminati deck, as far as Queens go, the image of Elizabeth I is pretty accurate for me.

Trust me,this lady has balls.  She takes no prisoners when speaking.  She holds peoples' attention, not through her endearing qualities, but due to the fact that goodness help you if you interrupt her, or even worse, disagree with her.  Believe me, that tongue can be as cutting as the sword she proudly displays.

This lady does not speak in terms of how thing will feel, that is not a productive line of thinking for her.  Now don't get me wrong, I don't actually believe our lovely Queen Elizabeth I was the 'virgin queen' that history tells us.  I feel she was probably sidetracked by a dalliance or two, but this lady was the first female monarch in England, her father was a pretty tough act to follow.  This also in part to his many spouses, and his demise to syphilis was probably enough to put the poor woman off letting her heart rule her head (and other parts).

To hold her power this lady decided to go it alone.  She needed to be forthright and brave to defend her decisions for her country.  She was intelligent, and not afraid to let it be known that she would not be challenged in her decisions. At times she was emotionally cold, caring not for the begging and pleading of 'traitors' to spare them the chop.

This, my dear people is my mother to a 'tee'.  

My mother is great in a crisis, as long as you don't expect tea and sympathy.  Practical help and advice, that is her realm.  She can find a solution to most problems, and if not, she will find someone who can find the solution.

Ask for advice and she will freely give it, but take heed, if you go against that advice, it's 'Off with your head!'  You get both barrels and then the martyr act.  She can be good at the manipulation game.  Because where feelings are concerned, hers are the only ones that matter.  

She gives the impression that emotions are silly, unimportant, yours, that is!  Be aware that this lady is going to haul you kicking and screaming into a guilt trip alley, where she will proceed to rip you to shreds with that tongue of hers, if you dare to question her thinking.  Her favourite phrase in these situations is 'Well, I don't know why you bothered asking me, I wouldn't have wasted my time if I'd known you weren't going to take any notice (of the advice)'.

She can cut you down with a comment, and if that leaves you feeling upset or hurt, she will ask why you are upset, as she believes speaking the truth is always better than sparing someone's feelings.  Sometimes though its is not what someone needs, sometimes we need soothing, we desire understanding and we crave compassion.  

However, the Queen of Swords isn't all bad. When this woman is on your side, you have a strong ally.  Excellent with practical advice and tactical ideas, she will champion you whatever your cause. 

When there is a tough challenge ahead, this lady will stand up for you and fight for you.  She is not afraid to speak up for you, she is a defender just as much as she can be an attacker.  

She can cut through the Bulls**t of a situation when it becomes emotive.  She will seek both sides of the issue and deal with it in terms of facts.  She can cut away the murky undergrowth of a problem to show you a clear way of resolving it.  She can be the calm voice of reason when things look like they are careering into a the abyss of emotion. 

The Queen can be fiercely independent, she does not need a protector as she has her wits and intelligence to do that for her, and she will let you know, in no uncertain terms, when you cross the line with her. 

So, that pretty much sums up my mother, the woman who is my biggest ally and my worst enemy.  I do not doubt she loves me, although she rarely tells me and shows me even less.  She is my hardest critic, yet my best P.A.

She frustrates me with her black and white world.  She angers me with her off the cuff remarks.  She counsels me when the s**t hits the fan. She tells me what I need to know and sometimes, yes,it hurts, but once I've had time to let it sink in, I know that she is usually right.

So my Queen of Swords is a complex lady, but I wouldn't have survived without her.
  












  

Feed Me, Feedback

I love reading the cards for others.  I always feel its a special thing when someone allows you to delve around in their personal world, and that they trust you enough to do that. Knowing there is no hidden agenda from me as a reader means they can be open and honest, and I am grateful for being given that trust. 

If it wasn't for the trust these lovely people put in me I would feel my purpose was lost.  I love to help people, in what ever way I can.

It is also nice when these people appreciate what I do and it gladdens my heart when they come back to me with messages like these 

Your amazing man, everything has been so spot on. Your talent I am in awe of.

On the money !!!  You're really good!

This is not " a little right" it is precisely accurate!!!

Bravo my friend you're really good

Wow, that is very accurate indeed..

OMG!!!!  Pisces Moon, you hit the nail on the head with everything you've said!

I felt as though you were reading my thoughts, fears and desires!

 That's awesome!  Everything's correct!

Thank you very much for the reading and for such a quick response

This is just a sample of my feedback from happy people.  

And this is what makes my grateful heart sing.

Too Much Is Never Enough

It's only natural that a querant may come back with further questions about a reading.  Maybe they want further information on an issue that came up, maybe its because something didn't make sense to them.  

That I can deal with,  however a very small number of querants will get a reading, that doesn't give them the answer they wanted to hear  Notice I say 'wanted' to hear.  People can play certain scenarios over and over in their heads, some to the point that it almost becomes a reality to them.

These are the ones that always come back with 'just one more question'.

They can be demanding in both time and energy, yet they persist on keeping going until they get what they want to hear or tell you, that you are rubbish or the reading was 'completely wrong'.

I love tarot and I love that people have faith in the guidance and advice that tarot can give.  I am grateful to the people who put their faith in me as a reader, the ones who can accept the sometimes bitter pill that fate is handing them.  These are the people that take the advice and act on it as best they can and accepting accountability of any part they may have played in their current situation.  

It’s the people who feel you have an obligation as a reader to make things happen the way they want them to happen.

Then we have the ones who keep asking for more and more details, they want to know every possible outcome on every possible part of a situation.  These are the ones I think of as the people who can't make a decision on which pair of socks to wear without turning it in to a drama.  They will request reading after reading from several  readers on the same subject, eventually the readers end up with confusing readings and energetically drained and frustrated.

My belief is tarot is just another tool added to the long history of divination.  The majority of tarot readers have spent many long hours studying every nuance of the cards, they offer to share this knowledge whether for payment or freely but either way there has been a lot of time invested.  The readers I know usually under estimate their level of knowledge and are honest people who want to help others.   To be successful a tarot reader has to build a solid reputation and this only happens when clients resonate with their readings.

 So the thing that gets to me, more than anything, is after spending time and energy and being very generous with both, the querant then makes comments later to say they don't believe  tarot can give us answers, that tarot goes against the bible (I hold no feelings towards the bible so this isn't an issue for me) or that tarot is unreliable and that to me is the biggest insult of all.  After all if this is how they feel about tarot, why have they asked for a reading, and then become obsessed with finding answers for every situation that comes up.

Ugh! Anyway rant over, I think I just needed to get that off my chest.  

At (Arms) Crossed Purpose

4 of Pentacles Reversed, Rider Waite Smith Tarot

Sometimes we are in a situation where we, or someone we know appears closed off, physically or emotionally.  Body language experts often tell us that folding our arms across ourselves is a give away that someone it doing this.

In the 4 of Pentacles it is pretty evident that the figure is doing the arms crossed 'closed off' signal, while holding one of his pentacles close to him.  One of the popular keywords for this card reversed is 'greed'.  However as the suit of Pentacles is about everything 'physical', so it also covers our physical self.

Greed, obviously is about protecting what you have, not willing to share it, but when it comes to ourselves it may be a case of self preservation.

Sometimes a little bit of retreating to re-assess a situation, without other people affecting our thoughts with their advice and opinions needs to be done.  

We become closed off to others when we feel we need to protect our selves from unwelcome attention, criticism even physical attack.  So is the 4 of Pentacles reversed seen as a negative position to be in?

Being someone who is lucky enough not to be one of those people who absorb others negative energies, I have noticed recently that I am feeling some negativity in me.  

I am able to attune myself with peoples' energy, however, partly due to my previous career I feel I learned how to protect myself from carrying their energy with me and rarely after a reading do I feel I have someone else's emotional baggage with me.

So my recent negativity is being triggered by something.  There seems to be certain people that are setting off that negativity and I need to examine why.  It is definitely a projection as these people have done nor said anything outwardly negative.  I just get a bad vibe from their interactions. 

Given that I dislike how I am feeling, I have decided to withdraw myself from the area these people are so as not to cause an issue with them.  In reality these people have done nothing to me personally, yet I just feel the negativity rise in me the moment their presence is apparent.

I am closing off, I am protecting myself, and will impose a level of isolation from the places i frequent, for the present.  This is not a bad or selfish thing, it is to give me time to look at the issue and work out just what is being brought up from my unconscious that I don't really want to look at about myself.

From there I can work on the problem, from there I can turn that card around, and from there I can hopefully move on to a better frame of mind.

Down Time.

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No tarot today as it looks like I shall be having a busy day tomorrow doing readings so I am taking today off in preparation. 

However I thought I'd just let you all know how much I appreciate you coming over to my little bit of cyber weirdness and reading my rambles and for comments on them.

Have a lovely weekend.

Riding Bareback Through The 6 of Wands

6 of Wands, Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

In some respects I can see this card as the song 'What have you done today to make you feel proud?' by M People.

Generally viewed as a positive card of victory, triumph and success, the 6 of Wands looks like a pretty good place to be.

There he sits triumphant on his horse, people around are cheering and celebrating the victory.  Just what has the rider done to deserve the acclaim he receives? 

Maybe its something that will serve others, like the union rep fighting for a pay rise for his members  and winning,  or something less society based, and more personal, like the family member that has successfully organised a surprise get together for loved ones.

Whatever the card means personally to the querant, it is a sign that they can feel they have done something  to make them hold their head up high and enjoy the congratulatory cheers.  However the 6 of Wands is usually a short lived triumph as it gives way to the 7 which can (in brief) mean challenge, defending your position or fighting off the competition. 

For now however it is all about success and being able to enjoy that success for just as long as the party lasts, because admittedly the figure in the card is sitting proud on is horse but saddle soreness will eventually kick in.  Remember that 'pride comes before a fall'.

Every card has a good and bad side though and I feel the 6 of Wands is ripe for this exploration (actually it just happened to be my daily draw for today).

Sometimes  when I see this card I feel like saying it's time to get off your high horse.  It may be that the querant or someone in the querant's life is going along blowing their own trumpet, it could symbolise that uncle who has been in the same job for 27 years with no prospect of promotion but tells anyone who will  listen just how the company would collapse if it wasn't for him.

  

It could be that they are over embellishing their success, bragging and boastful in an attention seeking manner or  they are taking credit where they shouldn't be.

We are allowed to be proud of our achievements, we are allowed a certain amount of praise for our achievements, that is natural.  It becomes a problem when constant ego stroking is needed to validate us.  It hides the deep insecurities and low self esteem which can in turn develop into grandiose behaviour and exaggerated claims.

Another aspect of the card, to me, speaks of someone spouting the moral high ground.  'Look at me, I am such a darned good person, everybody needs to listen to me and my ideals because I am right'.

We all know someone like this, whether in real life or through the media.  

I know someone exactly like this, they feel the need to voice their opinion  (and frequent disapproval) of others life choices so everybody can tell this person how wonderful she is, so wise and knowledgeable and yet, when it comes to her life choices, she doesn't practice what she so loudly preaches, then wonders why the admiring crowd have dispersed and she is left to stable her own horse.

So when you see this card come up, try and see how the rider is sitting in that saddle and just which way the horse is heading

You Have a Name, Not A Label

Psychic Tarot for the Heart by John Holland

Within all of our relationships with the people in our lives, there tends to be one that we get lost in.  This isn't helped by the opinions from others who tell us. 'your romantic relationships should come first, your children should come first, we need to have a large circle of trusted friends, we need to do large family gatherings regularly.  
I'm not advocating neglecting any of these relationships, but just which relationship should be your priority?

I believe it is the relationship we have with ourselves.  I am leaving babies and very young children out of this equation as they obviously need our constant nurturing and attention, however even a new mum needs time to have a soak in the bath (alone) after a full day of nappies, bottles, sick and snot. 

If we give ourselves over to our relationships we become lost in who we really are.  We are too busy anticipating and delivering the needs of the other person, that recognising our own needs gets neglected. 

I am no control freak, yet my kids, when younger, had a strong routine, a regular bed time and a quiet time at some point through the day.  This was a way for me to touch base with myself, to nurture me.  

Romantic relationships were quite tricky, I am fiercely independent and like to be in charge of my life, so boundaries were set and often broken (I seemed to attract needy, insecure men) and this is where my love life fell down.

I am often shocked when I hear or see women who have become someone's mummy or partner.  We all have an individual identity and yet so many people are happy to lose that identity.  Sometimes it may be that who we really are does not seem significant, yet we are all here for a purpose, and that purpose is to learn about ourselves.  

So if you are feeling like you are an extension of someone else, take some time to look at what you would truly like to do-just you, what dreams do you have, what sparks your imagination?

Seek some clarity within you, find out who you are, what makes you tick.

Think of the relationships that hold you back from doing that and ask why?  Who is holding you back?  You will be surprised at the answer. 

Make your needs and wants heard.  Set your boundaries firmly in place and do something for you.  You might be surprised at the positive change in your relationships that it brings. 

Synchronised Sorries

6 of Cups, Tarot Illuminati by Erik. C. Dunne

I've spent most of today pondering the 6 of Cups.  It's been going through my head all day could it represent forgiveness?  Laying some ghosts of the past to rest is it were?

Doing my daily spread tonight with a question with regard to regrets I may hold on to in my life, my third card was in the position for what I need to do to forgive myself.

The card I pulled was the 6 of Cups.  Now to me the cards have basically confirmed my quandary.  I see this as going back in my thoughts, to the younger me and forgiving myself.  Also to offer the gratitude to those people that taught me lessons in life, both good and bad.

I do believe that even those people that have brought us pain and heartache all had a lesson for us to learn.  They may even have given us a legacy which is full of joy (one of my exes brought untold despair and suffering to me, however, I had 2 beautiful children with him, for which I cannot thank him enough).  The lesson he taught me was about self love and honesty.

I feel the image of the card was clear enough to show me this as the person in the background looking down towards the children, feels as if this is me now.  The children, innocent and unaware of the watchful figure are lost in their exchange with each other.  The girl looks to me as if she is explaining something to the young boy, who listens intently.

I have recently been working on forgiveness and accepting my part in past situations in my life, that i feel had a particularly negative effect on my, so this card seems so relevant with the theme and my musings today.

In visualisations, when working through the forgiveness issues, this is exactly how I see it in my mind.  It is how I imagine forgiving the younger me and the people involved

I feel it was a nice bit of synchronicity to pull this card today, and it shows me that this deck and I are getting along very nicely, hopefully it will keep showing me more and more as I ask more from it. 

I Do Believe in Faeries.

The Faeries Oracle by Brian Froud

Along with my delivery of Tarot Illuminati another card deck bounced into my cart and found its way to my loving arms.

Its a deck I have read so much about (some of it quite bizarre) but I wanted to see what the hype was all about.  As I have made this year's deck study all about Tarot of the Hidden Realm (which is a fey energy deck) I wanted to explore this world a little more.  I am developing a real pull towards the fey realm and thought as I have 365 days and 78 tarot cards in my Hidden Realm deck, maybe I needed something to expand on.

Some people find a belief in the faerie realm a little, let's call it, odd. I, however, feel it opens up our inner child and lets her play in a way that adulthood has neglected.  Surely this is a good thing.  I mean c'mon, if big business execs can spend a day paint-balling, running round a place playing pretend shoot outs and call it team building, what is wrong with someone else 'seeing' faeries.  

Now call me a cynic, strange or whatever, but I have a real issue with 'Angels'.  I know that they are popular and well received by a lot of people, (and an excellent money maker for certain people) but I just can't click with the concept. Maybe its about the Christianity thing, them being portrayed as the 'messengers of 'god' and all that, but it really doesn't taste good in my mouth. Every angel deck I have come across is sugary sweet with positivity and that is not real life.   

If that is what you are in to then its nice you have found a system that gives you comfort and guidance, however its not for me.  If we are to believe that every difficulty we face, every issue we have to deal with in life is a test from the angels then doesn't that absolve us from taking any responsibility for choices we have made, that may not have been good ones?.  Like a celestial 'pass the buck'.`

How do you do a reading for the person whose partner has just walked out on them, left them with massive debts, broke, in a bad place mentally and at the risk of becoming homeless as they may be losing their job?  

How can a reading from a sugary sweet positive deck help that person?  How does having Gabriel telling you that the loving arms of the angels are around you, help you move forward.  Am I just 'not getting it?'  To me its like being given a life threatening diagnosis and then being handed a sticking plaster.

Sorry, I digress on a totally different ramble.  

Faeries, yes.  I have researched the Faerie Oracle before it fell into my shopping cart, and I love the earthy style of some of the fey.  There are some beautiful faeries (more in keeping with general ideas of how faeries should look, but there are some gargoyle-esque fey there too).  The messages are honest and relevant.  It should not be assumed that life is going to be sprinkled with pretty pixie dust with these cards, some of the energies would just as easy throw a cow-pat over you if it meant you got the message.

Faerie energy is cheeky, mischievous but strong, powerful and honest.  Life is all about the ups and downs, the light and dark.  It is duality, it is contrast and complement.
These cards hold it all and I'm chomping at the bit to get to know them.