Saturday, 8 August 2015

On The Road To Somewhere

Image from

After a huuuuuge hiatus, I'm back.  I make no excuses or apologies.  I needed time away, so I gave myself permission to take it.

I haven't been entirely idle, I have embraced the time and utilised it to do some much neglected art journalling, reading, and catching up with myself.  I even went back over my Self Love September notes from last year, just to see how far I had come.  So imagine my absolute joy when I heard Kelly-Ann was doing another one this year.  
You can find the details HERE 

When I started the Self Love September last year, I had, 6 months earlier, come out of a severe depressive episode, I was still fragile, sensitive and having days when even getting dressed seemed like an insurmountable task.  I had thrown myself into my tarot studies more as a distraction than anything.  It was something I realised that the people around me didn't comprehend, so it became a way to shut myself off from them.  I had never realised there was such a big community on the internet until I stumbled onto youtube.  That was my turning point, when I realised that this was something that wasn't a distraction, it was actually my focus.  

Doing practice spreads whilst I was reading the copious amount of tarot books I had, made me realise that the cards were giving me help........ not predictions, but actual advice.  VIII Strength was my stalker, as was XIII Death and XVI The Tower.  At first my understanding of these 3 cards was skewed, I felt it was predicting more trouble, more problems, until I began to realise they were actually trying to help me get my life back on track.

All I wanted was the 'old me' back, to feel the way I used to about life, it was like a mantra, I would cry every morning, beg every night for this. Eventually I realised those cards were trying to tell me, I would never be the 'old me'.  My situation had ensured that could not be.  I had to leave the 'old me' behind, if I didn't I wouldn't have learned the lesson I needed to, that my life was being who others wanted me to be and it wouldn't get any better if I didn't make the change.  What I had to do was accept the 'me' that I was now. 

As The Tower was telling me, everything I had before, everything I believed, trusted and 'knew' was gone.  I had to build a new foundation, one from my own strength and build it back up.  It was slow sometimes unsteady, I felt like I was having to metaphorically keep taking bricks out that didn't fit and replace them.  I'm still "under construction' but I am getting there.

Once I found the online community, my mental state began to improve, here were people I could learn from, talk with, share ideas with and they didn't have to know my past, I didn't even have to get dressed to speak with them, they wouldn't know if I was in my PJ's at 3pm nor would they probably care.

So when I read about Self Love September 2014, I knew I had to do it.   Having followed The Four Queens' blog and YouTube channel for a while I realised this young woman was someone very special, with something amazing to give.  I felt that Self Love could benefit me, it was what I was lacking in my foundation.  Prior to participating, I was too busy appeasing everyone around me, the usual responses from me were; 
No, really, it's fine.
Of course I don't mind.
If you want me to.
No, don't apologise, it's just me being oversensitive.

Now I happily stand in my own power, because the 'me' I became has needs and wants, just as much as everyone around me.  If I can't address those with priority then how can I address other people's.  If I'm not happy at core level, how am I to to be happy for others.  My responses also address my needs too, they have become;

I'm not able to as I have other commitments  (even if that commitment is soaking in a bubble bath, I promised it to myself and you don't break promises especially to those you love).
I don't want to go........ (insert activity/place you have absolutely no interest in here) as it's not my 'thing'.
No! (no further explanation needed to justify this)
I haven't blogged, because I wanted to do something else.

Last year helped me so much to start to understand that I was important, I have a spirit that needs nurturing, an inner child that needs to play, and the inner strength to be and do these things

So I am eagerly anticipating September I know I'll be participating, journalling, creating and reaffirming that I am indeed special, as we all are.  If we can't tell ourselves that and believe it, then it will make no difference, at our core level, how many times other people tell us.

This time 4 years ago, I was in hell. 
This time last year I was in the proverbial tunnel, walking towards that glimmer of light.
And now, I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.


  1. (((Debbie))) what a heartfelt and honest post this is. I am so glad you've reached this point in you life. What huge steps you've made and I can relate to you story so well that It really moved me. it took me quite some time to realize that I would never become the "old me"again and today I am so grateful for that.
    Looking forward to Self Love September too!!!

    1. Hi Ellen,
      I do think that that once you have been in our position it is only then that you realise how profound it can be.
      In a strange way, the old me is like a friend from my past that I lost contact with.