Cosmetic Spending and The Devil Within.

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh. 

Having sat working through my Rituals for Living planner, I've amended my goals to a more realistic level. One of my main challenge areas has been finances and its time to get a grip.

Like the majority of people worldwide, money gets tighter every month, as the financial institutions that run our planet tighten their choke hold on its ordinary citizens. And as I look at where my money goes (or went in 2015) I notice that so much went where I thought I wanted it to go, instead of where it probably should have gone.

A tasty cappuccino at Costa (sorry Starbucks but until you pay your share of corporate taxes I ain't buying), a pre-packaged sandwich there and it starts to mount up. Really mount up. Add into that, the books, the card decks and the other pretty shiny 'needful' things that find their way into my shopping basket, I realised that bemoaning the fact I am always broke is quite ironic.  Worrying about rent, fuel bills, petrol and the other necessities seems quite hypocritical, especially in a world where to a lot of people, a safe roof over their heads is just a dream. 

So taking note of my cards today, Ego (The Devil) and 2 of Winter, I realise that I participate too readily in 'work, buy, consume, die' vortex.  My justification is that I work, so why shouldn't I reward myself? But who am I really rewarding, because by the middle of the month I am scraping pennies together to survive, having convinced myself I'll budget better the following month. Not facing the harsh truth that I am in a self made trap.

I don't need these things, I just want them, convinced by the devil on my shoulder that I deserve them, I'm allowed a treat, and it'll make me feel goooooood, it'll distract me from the real issues.    

So my planner is now set up to make me accountable for unnecessary spending.  I have notes in my purse that ask me 'do I want or do I need?'  My bank card has a note wrapped around it telling me to pause, breathe and decide, is this emotional spending or survival spending?

We all deserve a treat, but a treat is something that is occasional, mine were habits, bad ones that promised me I'd feel good/better/happier.

In reality I felt no such thing, I felt disappointed at my lack of self restraint, unhappy that my bank balance looked so bleak and stressed that I'd be living on beans on toast for days on end.

It's going to be tough, but in the grand scheme of things, I have coffee in the house, I can make a sandwich to pop in my bag to take with me to work. It'll be even tougher not looking at deck reviews, and listening to the hype on the next must have deck, only reading books I have in my collection and not succumbing to new releases.  

It's time to be brutal and look at my culpability in my lack of finances and learn to ignore the devil on my shoulder, encouraging myself to buy, buy, buy,  whispering to me that I'm worth it.  Maybe I should call it L'Oreal, 

Slipping Along Life's Journey

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine

Leaving the drama and trauma of yesterday behind, it seems today is the day I can start to think about thinking about starting to work towards some goals.

Turning the page on another unwritten chapter of life can really seem quite daunting, however, if the chapter was pre-written, there would be no adventure, no discoveries and no lessons to learn along the way . How boring and tedious life would be.

I used to believe the adage 'when the going gets tough, the tough get going', yet sometimes the tough need to pause and plan,  instead of blundering blindly ahead. It sometimes takes a strategy and careful decisions to see what direction the 'tough' should be heading.

So today's cards, Princess of Winter and The Empress come to show me, it's time to start being realistic, make goals within the current strength of my mindset. Take baby steps, (instead of trying to run before I can walk, as that ground looks very slippy under her feet). All it takes to make something big is that very first active step, tend to it and encourage it and it should grow with each little step I take.

So I'm not writing my new chapter, I'm just going to start the first sentence, because that is all it takes.

Time and Tide....

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine 

This deck is really surprising me with its messages and bluntness.  

The daunting task of clearing a recently departed loved ones living space, has been something I have been trying to avoid.  The finality of that last physical connection being severed seems overwhelming, although I know deep within that it is inevitable.  

Delaying the process will only make it harder, but facing the reality just re-opens the painful wound.

Drawing VIII Release (Death) and the 9 of Spring seems to point out that delaying the process is only storing up trouble for the future.  Going through the action of removing his last physical trace is going to happen, whether I participate or not.  

It needs to happen and may bring some closure and with that the grief process can move through its stages.  The longer I hold out, the harder it will get and thus my ability to deal with new challenges could be compromised.

So I have cleared my schedule of other distractions and set a time tomorrow afternoon, when help will be on hand.  I shall roll up my sleeves and concentrate on the task at hand. I've no doubt it will be a tearful time, I know I'll stall over disposing of certain items, hoping for some solid reminder of the life that is no more.  

But this is release, it is letting go and it is leaving a chapter of my life on a now read page. It's the start of, not so much something new, but of life being different, accepting it is now so and being unable to change that means surrendering to the flow, but without flow their is no ebb, it's all part of the cycle. 

Today Has Been Cancelled

Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine.
Published by Hay House.

Sometimes just trusting that spirit gives us what we need in troubled times can be difficult to see.  Having made so many plans and set several goals for the coming year, I am coming to realise that I use some as distractions and others to allow my self sabotage to thrive.

Procrastination is a time consuming habit, it takes huge amounts of energy to find excuses to avoid doing what needs to be done. It can be quite exhausting  (there is excuse number 1, being too tired). 

Today's cards are in answer to my question 'what do I need to know about achieving my goals for this year?'  

The cards seems to be telling me, to 'curb the enthusiasm', to stop planning to move mountains before I've dealt with clearing away cobwebs. 

Using the Fairy Tarot (Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine) the 4 of Winter and 3 of Winter tells me that I need to take some breathing space, not rush into projects and throw myself into distraction.  I need to step back and really process the events that have left me feeling emotionally battered.  

I see the 3 of Winter as having the elderly man for wisdom, the young girl for new thinking and the bear, which to me, symbolises great power, protection and nuturing.  So by stepping back allowing myself to actually feel the pain and sorrow, I know I can come through my current situation. 

So my deadlines are being moved, my goals, less grandiose and time allotted for some spiritual healing.

New Year, New Me.

As we enter another year I would like to wish everyone their best year yet.  Like a lot of people I have made my plans and set my goals for 2016. I do it every year but somehow I seem to come derailed and end up way off course or fail to implement even the first steps. 

This year though, I reach an important milestone and have made a decision to get serious with where I am heading.  I have invested in an invaluable tool to help me organise and prioritise, namely the Rituals for Living Dreambook and Planner. I love the simplicity and elegance of it and the way it gets me envisioning my ideal life.

This is what I need, something to keep me focussed by breaking down the bigger goals into bite size pieces.
This is a year for deep inner work on the scars that won't heal, finding how they affect me, my family and friends and my life choices.

2015 seemed to start well, I had mapped out my 12 month plan which seemed to be developing as I'd hoped  However, towards the later end of the year I was dealt some serious emotional blows and I suffered a number of heart wrenching losses, one after the other.  

Feeling like my healing journey had been set back I allowed myself to sink deeper into old habits, self sabotage and spiritual neglect.  Projecting externally the person others believed I was, whilst inside I felt I was unravelling slowly.  

There has been a turning point, a rude awakening as it were.  Someone that I had the good fortune to meet this past year sent me such a lovely message, even though I see this person most days, they felt a less confrontational and more indirect approach was better.  They had noticed the grey cloud over me, they waited for me to open up.  When I failed to do so they made that move, offered me support, gave me a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

That was when the realisation hit me,  that even though the souls we are closely connected to, that have passed from this life have left a void, there are other souls still on this plane of existence that can build new places in our hearts.  For everyone I've lost this year, I have gained others, and for these new connections, I need to be present.  I need to keep growing.  

So today is the first day of 2016 and the first day of a focused, determined me.  To work on the wounds that every so often, break open, to recognise that I have a support network that can help me grow.

My first daily draw for 2016 was a very poignant one and came from a deck that I surprised myself by actually falling a little bit in love with.  I am open about my dislike of sugar coated decks, and the oracle/tarot market saturation by this person, however the Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine is my chosen deck for myself at the moment.  I feel I'm in a place that needs some TLC and gentle persuasion, and this deck gives me that.
It may not last for long, but for now it is exactly what I need.

So today I asked what energy is around me and drew The Star, the second card is 'because' and I drew The Chariot.

 Looking at these cards tells my energy is one of optimism and hope, that there is healing happening because I have taken the reins of my life's direction.
What better way to start the year?

Boredom to Roar-dom

It feels so long since I wrote anything here, and I  reality, it is.

I stepped out for a while, feeling that possibly, I had come to a place where I didn't have much to say.  Immersed in other pursuits, I allowed time to run away from me, feeling that the things I wanted to blog about were being covered, more eloquently and with more experience than I could portray.

But having spent the past few months 'down the rabbit hole' the one thing I have learned is that everybody's voice matters. 

So, as much as I may sometimes not be mainstream or conventional and be waaaaaay out of the box, I can still allow myself to rumble in the background. 

What I speak is from the heart, it only takes other lions among the flock to hear my little roar, to recognise kinship, and have the courage to just be who they truly are.  

Osho Zen Tarot

It's time to be heard, to be seen and to have the courage to stand in our own truth. Remove the illusion that, if what you think, feel or believe doesn't conform then you are wrong.  
Who made the rules anyway?  
Sometimes breaking them is the only way to free ourselves from the societal restrictions that stop us being who we are meant to be..........

In the words of a man who has done just that, we are all that ever was, is and ever can be.

Rebelling Against My Mother and Our Father

Rider Waite Smith 

Of all the cards in a tarot deck, there is one that, no matter what the deck is, no matter it's depiction, I intuitively stall whenever I see it.  The Hierophant is a card of such diverse meaning, yet I can barely ever feel good about it.
Maybe the lack of organised religion in my formative years had something to do with it, but I highly doubt it, The Hierophant is so much more than that.

As a child my upbringing was always at odds with who I was.  My mother was (and still is) a great believer in acting in a way, so that others judgement of you would be positive.  She was a stickler for convention, for proper manners and etiquette, for dressing as if we were higher up the rung of the social ladder than we really were.  And if you misbehaved by her standards, well, punishment was inevitable.  Firstly by a physical punishment then by emotional withdrawal and ultimately the guilt trip.  Pretty heavy stuff for a 5 year old to have to understand.

My mother was the disciplinarian, the rule maker, the judge, jury and executioner.  My father, he was more like me, laid back, easy going and a free spirit.  He was a hard worker, a provider, and an ally.

Looking back, and being of an age where I now understand my mother's story, I can see why she had the belief that, as a girl, I was supposed to be the epitome of coy and demure sensitivity.

My mother was the third of 4 sisters, born between the mid 1930s and early 1940s, her mother, prior to marriage had been employed as a lady's maid, her mother before her was 'in service' too  A job that demanded a strict etiquette and certain social graces for that period. My mother and her sisters were raised with that same etiquette and discipline.  This was what she had been taught and made to believe about how females should conduct themselves.

However, I was the child with my head in the clouds, lost in my little fantasy world and daydreams.  There were no girls of my age where we lived and so I ran wild with the boys.  This frustrated my mother so much.  All the pretty dresses, frilly ankle socks, pretty patent leather dolly shoes were wasted on me, even though I was small for my age, had blonde hair, big blue eyes (everyone used to tell my mother I was like a little doll, ugh!).  This was, I was told, how little girls are meant to be, how I was expected to be, yet I was happiest running barefoot along the road, hair blowing out behind me, dust on my face, playing cops and robbers with the boys.

I didn't want to be like all the 'other little girls', because I wasn't like the other little girls, I was me.  I was just me!  I would question who it was, who said I had to be like the other girls, but was told that is just how it was.

My father, on a weekend would take my brother and me off to explore over the paddocks that were in front of our house, with strict instructions from my mother to keep hold of my hand, don't let me get dirty, and to make sure I behaved, no such rules for my brother though.  Once out of sight, I was allowed to run wild, I learned how to throw a boomerang, I played football, went for a paddle in the stream, whilst my brother looked on in total amusement and encouragement.  My darling dad would get us almost in sight of our house, then dust me down, wipe my face with his handkerchief and tie my hair back into its ponytail as best he could, then return us home having 'obeyed orders'.

I didn't or couldn't be the young lady my mother wanted me to be, I just knew I had to allow my energy, my spirit to run in the direction it wanted to.  As young as I was I felt stifled by the restraints of 'convention', like trying to hold in a sneeze that you can feel coming, it may work for a short time, but it will soon burst forth with force, but my mother just couldn't understand that.


Even to this day, I fail to conform, I live as who I am comfortable to be.  I still see the look on my mother's face and hear her sigh if frustration as I add another tattoo to my vast collection, as I crop my hair close to my head.  I turn up to functions in my jeans, with paint on my hands and a half eaten packet of mints in my bag. I laugh at the most inappropriate times (and inappropriate things), I kick off my shoes, curl my legs up on chairs and rest my elbows on tables. I will go and play water fights with the children outside, run to the ice cream van in an excitable puppy like manner (and ask for every topping available on my ice cream).  I'll eat starters as a main course, ask for ketchup in a restaurant and use a spoon to eat the foam from my cappuccino.  Whose rule says I shouldn't do these things?  Bring their head to me on a plate!

So I suppose one of my issues with The Hierophant is my non-conformity.  If I am told something as a truth, I question it, I want to know who says it must be so.  Authority can and should be questioned, if you want people to behave a certain way or believe in something, your argument for it must be valid, it has to be able to hold water.  You have to show that it is something that enriches and empowers the individual and the majority, but can still evolve with our ever changing world.

The 'teacher'( or preacher) that is The Hierophant possibly represents that part of my upbringing, that outdated belief that I should be shy and retiring, looking pretty and dead behind the eyes.  Demanding that it not be questioned, or running the risk of punishment or ostracism if you do.

The other thing that stalls me with The Hierophant is the religious symbolism usually portrayed within the card.  I have nothing against any organised  religion, if that is what you choose to follow, then I'm happy that you have something that gives you peace and meaning in your life, however, for me, it just doesn't work.

These are my opinions and I do not wish to offend anybody, so please do not think I am making any personal attacks here, that is not my intention.  However as a student of tarot, my views on the cards are personal to me and based on my beliefs and experiences.

It is concerning when you realise how many wars have been started, fought and lost in the name of religion.  Persucution and execution performed in its name.  Where is the love, compassion and unity that it preaches?  Why are some sections of society turned into pariahs depending on the dogma of a particular religion?

And, as with all institutions that hold any kind of power, it is open to corruption and abuse of that power.  It then allows those who are guilty of any kind of misdeeds, to hide behind its doors, covering up the stains on its reputation, making all the right noises, but doing little to make any of their people culpable.

And these are the people we allow to dictate our moral code, we aren't expected to and discouraged from questioning their ethics, their policies or their honesty.  We are told their 'truths' and are expected to follow an 'etiquette' from a long gone societal structure into our modern world.  When the shift came is irrelevant, but the fact that it did is highly relevant and religion needs to adapt.  Obviously some are trying,but that is more thanks to individual religious teachers.  Peter Owen Jones is an Anglican clergyman who is a progressive 'man of the church' and has a talent for exploring where the Christian teachings fit into today's society, putting it on film and sharing his explorations with the world (you can find his BBC documentaries on YouTube).

Nobody is infallible, it is what makes us human, however when someone is in the position of being the intermediary of the people and their god, then they have a responsibility to act in a way that is beyond question, for these are the people who teach us what is acceptable within that faith and, in their belief, the world.  If they are not prepared to adhere to these beliefs then what chance for anyone else.

Obviously not all religious teachers are like this, a few bad apples and all that, yet it brings in doubt as to the credibility of the religious institutions.

This is why I have respect for Buddhism, it allows the free thinker to participate, it encourages the follower to question it and work with the parts of its teachings that fit.  It doesn't ask for blind devotion, nor encourage it. It calls itself a philosophy or way of life, even the Dalai Lama, when asked about his religion will tell people, his religion is kindness.  His way of life is Buddhist, but that is not his religion.

So until tarot decks have His Holiness's smiling, serene image on card number 5, I am always going to stall when this card comes up.

A Surreality Check

Image from pixabay.com 

I love those random moments in life that make you stop and think, 'What the heck just happened?'

My cards for Monday were 4 of Swords, The Tower and The Fool.  My first thought was panic,  could it be that while I was sleeping my house would collapse and I'd have to become a vagrant. Luckily it was nothing so drastic, in fact my day took a very surreal turn.

Yes, Monday held one of those moments.  It was a moment that, afterwards, gave me such a good vibe, I could feel the positive energy just oozing from me.

I decided to join my daughter whilst she walked her unexhaustable dog Elphie through some local woods, as it was a beautiful day, sunny with a slight breeze, and far too nice to spend in the house.  I just felt the need to recharge my batteries with some earth energy and the woods was just the right place to go.

Now Elphie is a 5 month old Border Collie from farm stock, she is obedient, fast and tireless so a good walk was needed to burn some excess energy, because walking for miles through the Yorkshire countryside the day previous just hadn't cut the mustard with her.

After slipping her leash in the woods, Elphie  found a pug who seemed more than happy to play, and as we walked a conversation between the pug's owner and ourselves started.  There was an energy coming from him that seemed to click with me immediately, however my daughter thought I'd lost all reasoning, as I am usually very guarded around strangers.

However, this man was interesting, articulate, quirky even, and the conversation felt easy and refreshing.  As we meandered along the track, the pug's owner asked if we knew what the building on the river bank opposite was.  When  I looked through the trees, I was so taken aback, as the building was actually the farm where Elphie, the dog, was born, her birth home.  

Not realising that we had walked so far from our usual path, this lovely man kept us talking, he asked about our jobs, our family and about Elphie.  But surprisingly it didn't feel odd, it was a comfortable conversation, there was a familiarity about him, but I could not recall from where.

He took us walking on paths and tracks we had never been on before, showed us some of the best views of the woods and before we knew it we had been walking for almost an hour and a half.  Both dogs still going strong.

When we eventually returned to the car park, we were re-leashing the dogs, when this gent, eventually introduced himself.  And then the penny dropped, he is a stand up comic, well known, and just back from the Edinburgh Festival.

I couldn't believe we had spent nearly 2 hours with him, rambling and chatting about life in  general, laughing at the intricacies of life and had totally failed to notice who he was.  But he was a pleasure to talk to, down to earth and engaging.  He had shared things about his personal life, his family and the love for his dog.  We talked about toddler tantrums, our rather more comical parenting fails, and our jobs-we-hate-but-have-no-choice-but-to-do.

And the nicest thing, the thing that really lifted me, was the way he thanked my daughter and I for making his walk a joy and sharing our day with him.  He thanked Elphie as well for keeping his dog company too. 

But here was a man, with tv appearances under his belt, a venue at the Edinburgh Festival and who does nationwide comedy tours, thanking us for making his day.  It certainly made me feel, somehow humble, that my company (and my daughters) in a rather bizarre situation would be seen as something special.

It definitely instills my belief that, being true to who you really are, being honest and open and accepting of others, brings a certain energy that can be seen and felt by others.  Of all the dog walkers in those woods, how had it been us who clicked?  The strangest thing is this man's dog doesn't usually enjoy the company of other dogs, Elphie is usually very submissive to other dogs, and yet they played chase, hide and seek like old friends, but never went far from us or each other. 

Maybe these dogs sensed the energy flow, maybe it was their energy that drew us humans together.  I will probably never know, all I know is, out of the many bizarre days I have had in my life (and oh boy! there have been many), this one stands out on top.  I mean how many times in your life do you ramble through the woods with a celebrity and his dog in tow and to be thanked for your company, for being entertaining, interesting and 'real'. 

For me, I feel that never would I have seen any of this when I pulled my cards that morning, but looking back, it made perfect sense, in a surreal kind of way.

On The Road To Somewhere

Image from www.pixabay.com

After a huuuuuge hiatus, I'm back.  I make no excuses or apologies.  I needed time away, so I gave myself permission to take it.

I haven't been entirely idle, I have embraced the time and utilised it to do some much neglected art journalling, reading, and catching up with myself.  I even went back over my Self Love September notes from last year, just to see how far I had come.  So imagine my absolute joy when I heard Kelly-Ann was doing another one this year.  
You can find the details HERE 

When I started the Self Love September last year, I had, 6 months earlier, come out of a severe depressive episode, I was still fragile, sensitive and having days when even getting dressed seemed like an insurmountable task.  I had thrown myself into my tarot studies more as a distraction than anything.  It was something I realised that the people around me didn't comprehend, so it became a way to shut myself off from them.  I had never realised there was such a big community on the internet until I stumbled onto youtube.  That was my turning point, when I realised that this was something that wasn't a distraction, it was actually my focus.  

Doing practice spreads whilst I was reading the copious amount of tarot books I had, made me realise that the cards were giving me help........ not predictions, but actual advice.  VIII Strength was my stalker, as was XIII Death and XVI The Tower.  At first my understanding of these 3 cards was skewed, I felt it was predicting more trouble, more problems, until I began to realise they were actually trying to help me get my life back on track.

All I wanted was the 'old me' back, to feel the way I used to about life, it was like a mantra, I would cry every morning, beg every night for this. Eventually I realised those cards were trying to tell me, I would never be the 'old me'.  My situation had ensured that could not be.  I had to leave the 'old me' behind, if I didn't I wouldn't have learned the lesson I needed to, that my life was being who others wanted me to be and it wouldn't get any better if I didn't make the change.  What I had to do was accept the 'me' that I was now. 

As The Tower was telling me, everything I had before, everything I believed, trusted and 'knew' was gone.  I had to build a new foundation, one from my own strength and build it back up.  It was slow sometimes unsteady, I felt like I was having to metaphorically keep taking bricks out that didn't fit and replace them.  I'm still "under construction' but I am getting there.

Once I found the online community, my mental state began to improve, here were people I could learn from, talk with, share ideas with and they didn't have to know my past, I didn't even have to get dressed to speak with them, they wouldn't know if I was in my PJ's at 3pm nor would they probably care.

So when I read about Self Love September 2014, I knew I had to do it.   Having followed The Four Queens' blog and YouTube channel for a while I realised this young woman was someone very special, with something amazing to give.  I felt that Self Love could benefit me, it was what I was lacking in my foundation.  Prior to participating, I was too busy appeasing everyone around me, the usual responses from me were; 
No, really, it's fine.
Of course I don't mind.
If you want me to.
No, don't apologise, it's just me being oversensitive.

Now I happily stand in my own power, because the 'me' I became has needs and wants, just as much as everyone around me.  If I can't address those with priority then how can I address other people's.  If I'm not happy at core level, how am I to to be happy for others.  My responses also address my needs too, they have become;

I'm not able to as I have other commitments  (even if that commitment is soaking in a bubble bath, I promised it to myself and you don't break promises especially to those you love).
I don't want to go........ (insert activity/place you have absolutely no interest in here) as it's not my 'thing'.
No! (no further explanation needed to justify this)
I haven't blogged, because I wanted to do something else.

Last year helped me so much to start to understand that I was important, I have a spirit that needs nurturing, an inner child that needs to play, and the inner strength to be and do these things

So I am eagerly anticipating September I know I'll be participating, journalling, creating and reaffirming that I am indeed special, as we all are.  If we can't tell ourselves that and believe it, then it will make no difference, at our core level, how many times other people tell us.

This time 4 years ago, I was in hell. 
This time last year I was in the proverbial tunnel, walking towards that glimmer of light.
And now, I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.

Seratonin and SCUBA Diving

Found on Pinterest

Anyone who has ever suffered with depression can tell you, it is a cruel taskmaster.  So it was lovely to see Kelly-Ann aka The Four Queens speak candidly about her experience with depression in this video.  She is so eloquent and calm in her delivery of what I feel is a very honest and open dialogue about her mental health history, and her acceptance of this part of her life is reassuring to others who may be currently battling with acceptance of their own.  I know my daughter has learned to accept herself more through certain videos from Kelly-Ann and accepts her scars as something that manifested itself in her, but does not need justifying to others.  The people who matter to my daughter don't need to ask, the people who ask do not matter.

So as a way of a response to the video I decided to have a ramble about my own battle and my feelings on the attitudes of depression.

Only in the past 2 year have I managed to pull myself out of the black hole that had me trapped for over 3 years.  It's been a long climb up the path of recovery, two steps forward, one step back most of the time.  I dealt with mine using a combination of medication, therapy and taking a proactive approach.  I can now say that I am free from the medication and no longer have therapy but I still check in with myself regularly, I still make that mental visit to see if there is anything that my 'inner friend' needs.  

I would like to think most people who have dealt with depression and come through the other side do this.  It's not alway easy though, to recognise the thought patterns that can  take them back to that dark place.  Sometimes it isn't possible to avoid going along that path again and again, as anyone with depression knows.

People are quick to judge someone with depression, as it is not an illness that is easily seen.  Most sufferers cover it up so well that when crisis happens, what I call 'The Abyss', people around are shocked, even surprised.  They wonder how it has happened, why it has happened, and the most common reaction is telling the sufferer that they should have told people they were struggling. When in reality the times that we do reach out, I found the most common responses were;

Oh, it'll sort itself out.
Everybody has problems 
Pull yourself together/get a grip
You'll be fine, you're a strong person.

I feel over the years, depression has been re-defined and not in a good way, by people who have no real understanding of it.  Depression has become something that has been relegated to the ranks of having a bad day.  But it is not ' a bad day', it is not feeling fed up because you didn't get what you wanted.  It is  certainly not shedding some tears in  the doctors office, in the hope they will give you an official letter, so your university will give you special dispensation on your degree score, as you were too busy living it up instead of studying.  (Yes, I have been witness to all of these cases of 'depression').

Then there are the people who do not realise depression is a chemical imbalance, the lack of seratonin, that anybody can develop. Even the most successful, wealthy, loved, respected and publicly adored.  Yet it seems common for others to judge by wondering what these people have to be depressed about.    It is not the exclusive realm of the lonely, poor and under appreciated.  My depression started when I was married, we had a very good income, respectable jobs even 2 holidays abroad every year.  But depression caught me in its web and now, single, working a low paid job and taking each day with acceptance for whatever may happen, and not judging mine or others choices, I am happier than I have been for many years.

Depression, real depression is that smothering, crushing feeling, when,  no matter how you try and look at things, there is nothing. There is no feeling of hope or joy, there is no feeling of worthiness, there is no feeling of understanding.  There is only fear, hopelessness, mistrust and a mental loneliness as your brain tells you that you are stupid, nobody cares, and what is the point when you are useless and fail at everything and nobody really likes you, they are just being polite (these were just some of my constant mental processes when I started down the slope).

 But the treatment of depression has to be a proactive one.  Medication works for most people but the individual's thought processes have to be worked on, altered and diverted.  If not, then the medication just masks the underlying  issues and the cycle of depression remains.  I had 3 different talking therapies, not all worked, everybody is different though and what didn't work for me can be the key for someone else.

My mother is a perfect example of what Kelly-Ann describes as cloaking oneself in their depression.  To my mother it defines who she is, it excuses her cruel side and feeds her need for attention and getting her own way.  She wears it as her badge of honour.  She has been on antidepressants for 20 years (since my father's death).  She refuses talking therapy, as she claims the therapists are useless and don't help.  She expects them to solve the issues and feels they should provide her with the answers that only she can give. 

She refuses to participate in anything that may be enjoyable unless it is something she wants to do, and if she does take part, she will criticise and complain for the duration, spoiling it for everyone else lest she is proven wrong and she has a good time.  

And yet she feels her happiness is everybody else's responsibility.  I don't judge her for it, she has no understanding of her illness and doesn't want to learn about it.  So I accept her as she is and arm myself mentally against any negativity she wants to throw out into the world.  For if she won't  help herself, then I, nor anyone else can do it for her.  

Ironically it was my mother who helped me recover, when she made the comment, after being medicated myself for almost 3 years, that I was going to end up like her, stuck on 'useless' drugs for the rest of my life.  My inner rebel sat up and thought no way am I turning into my mother.  My path for recovery was set, that very day.  

I knew there was some positive things in my life, I knew I could find that fun, loving person that was squashed so far down inside of me.  I knew I had to coax her back, gently with love, compassion and patience.  I had to wrap my arms and heart around the 'me' that the depressive mind had told me was gone and I never deserved anyway.  I had to dive deep, search through the murky depths and try and find that little glimmer of gold. Believe me it took some time to find it through the wreckage that lay covering it. Once I found that first little piece I went back every day and searched for more and more, until it was like I had found the actual treasure chest, where all the happiness lay.  I can not say I will never suffer any further episodes of depression, it is not something I plan on, however nobody ever does, but I know for now my life feels good I am happy with who and where I am and that is what matters more than anything. 

From Buckets to Bengalore, to Breakthroughs

XI Breakthrough.  Osho Zen Tarot.

 Being 'of a certain age', I have, over the course of the past six months, been writing my bucket list.  The idea being, once I hit my next birthday, I will start crossing things off, said list.  Some items on the list are relatively small things, such as going camping with my grandson.  Others are far more adventurous.

I've always had wanderlust, my mother calls it 'itchy feet syndrome', and doesn't understand why I want to investigate this wonderful planet we inhabit.  A bit rich coming from the woman who dragged two children under the age of four across to the other side of the world, and back again.  I feel being so transient in my younger years has left it's mark.

My parents emigrated to Australia in 1966 by sea, a journey of almost 7 weeks, and we travelled back to the U.K in 1971 in the same manner.  I can say I've been to some amazing places although cannot recall most of them now.  I do know I have been through the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal, I have sailed over the equator twice and have trinkets and souvenirs from places, that in my childhood, many people could only fantasise about.

When we arrived back to the U.K, we were effectively homeless, but my parents worked miracles going from lodging with relatives to buying a small 2 bedroomed flat, to a 3 bedroomed house within 2 years.

That never satisfied my mother though, she wanted bigger, better, more space, a bigger garden, a nicer area.  And so I was moved about more than most.

This has always been a part of my life.  I've never been one to want bigger and better though,  I just like investigating different places.  I've lived in rural areas, I've lived city centre.  I have done conventional and controversial but I always enjoy the adventure.

So there on my bucket list is the desire to live at an Ashram in India, it's a big wish as I fear flying, but there is such a strong pull for me to do it.  It is something of the long term goal as obviously I would need money for flights and back up, but I have my heart set on it and am planning ways in which to achieve it.  I cannot shake the feeling that this is something that I will regret not doing.

I have done  community living before, where everyone worked for one goal, that however was for the material benefit of a singular person.  It was hard work with no nurturing of the spirit, only relentless physical work.  This time I want to assist with something worthwhile, for the benefit of all beings, the benefit of this amazing planet and for the benefit of spiritual nourishment.

I asked the Osho Zen for a card to show how following this idea could help me grow and it gave me XI Breakthrough.  In brief, I feel this experience will break down any barriers I have about my spiritual growth, stripping me down to my very essence, giving me the chance to begin a whole new way of living my life spiritually for the better.

I think I've been given a big thumbs up from the universe, now all I need to do is start saving hard and getting my priorities set.  Time to address the unnecessary spending and relinquish the so called necessities, that in the cold light of day are little more than snacks for the ego.

The Secret Diary of Pisces Moon Aged ..........

Vibrational Energy Oracle by Debbie A. Anderson

Sundays are my day I do my weekly spread.  It just gives me a nice overall picture for my coming week.  I am so impressed by the Vibrational Energy Oracle, I chose to test run it for this reading, instead of a usual one card daily draw.

To say this deck is accurate is an understatement......... this deck has been reading my diary!

Current situation, Inspired Juggler.
I currently childmind my 2 year old grandson while his mum works. She has been doing so many extra hours recently I feel like I am rarely in my own home and when I am, I'm doing the usual chores (my daughter has a great little fairy that does her housework).   Add to the mix, 2 dogs, 1 puppy, 4 guinea pigs and 3 rabbits.

In between there are my tarot readings and all the networking that entails, my mother's health issues, my youngest daughter re-locating and I feel like anymore balls added to my juggling act will make me drop every single one.

Emotional challenge, The F Word.
Oh there are many I could use.  This is a word I need to scream, to release and my chosen word is............FATIGUE!!!!  I just want to wake up refreshed and not have to start planning my day before my feet hit the floor.  So the word I am throwing out into the universe to free myself from is, Fatigue.

Advice, Release.
Time to heal and rid myself of this feeling of overwhelming tiredness, to get some real rest and recover some energy.  This week is a week of slowing down the pace and the demands on me.

Scarily accurate, when this week, my daughter has a weeks holiday from work, my youngest daughter has now got all her personal items from home and the weather report looks good, so my guinea pigs can play in the garden and my dogs can have some outings to their favourite places and for once my mother has no medical appointments.

I really must buy a lock for my diary and hide it from this deck.

Dealing With Personal Dementors

Wizards Tarot by Corrine Kenner and John Bluman

At some point in our lives we will cross paths with people who seem to only want to bring as much upset and disruption into our lives.

 

Being a huge Harry Potter fan,  I refer to these negative people as my Dementors.   Soul sucking beings who thrive on the misery they try and cause.

It now seems  strangely appropriate that when doing my daily draw this morning using The Wizards Tarot by Corrine Kenner that I pulled the 2 of Cups Reversed.  My first impression was 'who am I going to argue with and upset today'.  I had no plans except to go to puppy training class with my daughter and her pup,  Elphie.

Imagine my surprise when we arrived and noticed my ex husband's daughter was there.  Now I won't give reasons why he is an ex, as he is not able to respond, however the fault lay with him, some dubious websites and explicit photos of himself (well some people use the Internet as a learning resource, and others to exhibit what really shouldn't be in the public domain).

However anyone hearing his story would have a very different version of events.  Recently his daughter has been making some rather preposterous allegations to people, about myself and my daughter, some of whom I know, and who also know the truth.  But this girl was on a personal mission to dis-credit me and my family to anyone who would listen to her. She ensured that what she said sounded believable to those who don't know me well enough to know different.

The puppy class became a rather bizarre situation, although the ex step-daughter being strangely quiet (unusual for her).  We were in situation where we purposely did not even acknowledge each other's presence.  

Maybe she felt intimidated as she was by herself, I really don't know.  Me? I felt nothing, no anger, no need to confront her, nothing.  This for a girl who had been part of my life for 15 years.

So in hindsight,  my card was really letting me know this,  today would be about a broken connection with someone.  Someone who I no longer have any invested emotion in.  It was showing me that whatever bond there had been, no longer exists and as for my feeling nothing (almost like seeing a stranger at a crowded place), well those cups are upside down, they hold nothing. 

So to the friends who have told me I should have confronted her about her lies, I don't see where putting that energy into anger/upset or whatever else they thought I should have felt was even worth it  I was happier instead putting my positive energy and encouragement into Elphie, at least she learned how to sit.

Ladies and Gentlemen.....A Toast.

5 of Waters.  Osho Zen Tarot.

I love working with the Osho Zen Tarot.  It is a deck that helps guide me along on my spiritual path like a Rough Guide Handbook, pointing out the good places and not so good and takes you off the beaten track to those little areas not everyone has discovered.

I drew the 5 of Water (equivalent to Cups in RWS) in response to a question my daughter asked.  The gist of which, was, why did everything in her life keep turning out crappy.

Its sad, she is a beautiful young woman, with a gorgeous little boy.  She works hard at her job and at being a mum.  She's warm, friendly,funny, honest and touchingly niave, but she seems to keep hitting brick walls. 

As a child she was quiet and well behaved, but due to having to wear glasses form under the age of one, was bullied and ridiculed throughout her early school years.  As she got further through school, she had to wear braces on her teeth, so as kids do, she was yet again singled out and ridiculed.

However, as I kept telling her, my little 'ugly duckling' became the swan (she has a killer smile and te most beautiful eyes) but the damage was done, her self image was distorted and her confidence shattered.  It has taken many years to just begin to re-build what her school years took away.

So the 5 of Water Clinging to the Past seemed appropriate even though my daughter tells me she doesn't cling to the past, she says 'It's there, but filed away.'  So I began to tell her exactly how I see it.

She carries it around, frozen, part of her past that she doesn't want to deal with fully, so it is in the 'freezer compartment' of her memories.  Neatly stored in little parcels, every insult, every 'joke', every jibe, easily within reach on that special little shelf made for the ice cube trays.

The glass, behind the figure on the card, is waiting to be filled with all the good things, the experiences and events in life that we long to drink in.  Every time the promise of filling that glass comes up, like an automatic response, out come the ice cubes.   

Ice cubes made of shit, (not recommended but hey, its a metaphor) containing all the hard, cutting, hurtful things we have experienced in life, once dropped into that glass of hope and promise they aren't going to make the experience nice, it becomes tainted. 

It makes no difference how expensive the champagne, how good the quality of it, once that ice cube gets dropped in and starts to mix in, your champagne isn't going to taste good.  In fact it's going to taste of the same old shit that was held in the ice.

Maybe we need to check our 'freezer compartments' and acknowledge that there is some crap in there,  better still deal with one cube at a time, defrost it, check for any diamonds of clarity and pearls of wisdom we may have put in there by mistake that can be of some value,  and then flush the rest away, even ice has a use by date. 

We need to stop thinking our glasses need the ice cube, if you stop using ice, there is more room for champagne. 

Dealing with it one by one is possible, we all deserve to be able to raise our glasses up and savor the crisp, fresh taste of the delicious champagne that is our life. 

Warning! Detours Ahead.

As life seems to pull us away in directions we wouldn't choose to go, so it has been recently.  My commitments to family have meant investing time away from my own path and into helping others along theirs.

Thankfully though, I now have time to catch my breath and place some focus back into my life.

I do not begrudge one moment of stepping out of my journey and assisting where I am needed, I know that any time taken is accepted with gratitude. 

So after a period of absence I am happy to continue to where I am going.  Although I have no destination in mind, I am just enjoying the journey and sometime, like all long trips, a little stop off can be nice.

The card I pulled for today's blog inspiration was the Ace of Pentacles from Fairy Lights Tarot and elicits thoughts of boundless potential and unlimited resources, if you are prepared to do the work.

However, looking at the card again, I feel it fits so well with the past few weeks, having had to come away from my place of inner tranquility.  I have been walking along  a haphazard path, helping someone else realise their potential.  And now it leads me over the brink of the cliffs and down a path unseen while the promise of opportunity still shines over me.

So maybe that short detour wasn't in my plans, but it's been added to my map, almost as if I needed to have the company, the change of landscape and most of all, the challenge.  So maybe thats where my opportunity lies.

Right Here, Right Now

Fairy Lights Tarot by Lucia Mattioli

I love my tarot cards, each and every one.  Today I asked my deck to show me the card for this post as I was a bit lost on what to write (this is what happens when you take time away, it's difficult to get back into your stride).

Well my beloved and slightly bedraggled Fairy Lights Tarot was up for the quest.  It gave my the 6 of Wands.

Wow, it really knew what it wanted me to blog about, and I say thank you to it.

I've been away from  my blog for a while as I explained in my previous post, lost in books.  I just needed to get some stillness in my life, as things were starting to snowball a bit with family and health.  I felt I was having to be in two places at once and between family commitments and tarot reading commitments I was finding my time was very much spoken for.  

Modern living (not that I'm complaining) seems so good at finding ways to take that precious spare time and just zap it.  It starts with the checking of emails, then a quick look at my favourite websites.  Before you know it I've been lost in cyber world for over an hour.

T.V has the same effect.  Stopping us in our tracks and numbing the tick of the clock. Thus I decided, I needed to reclaim my precious time.  I no longer have a television.  I have written out a list of books that I have been wanting to read and made a specific order in which I am going to read them.

The biggest change though is that I am actively meditating twice every day, something that 'I didn't have time for' before.  My meditations were always crammed in to a spare 10 minutes whenever I could remember, and were never fulfilling. 

So the last month has been a bit of a retreat for me and the 6 of Wands here shows a woman, so still that she has taken root to the earth, she is connected and growing as part of it.  As she is transforming, becoming one with everything around her, all other things continue to go about their business.  She stands, present in the moment, yet still in her self.  

This is what the last month has been for me.  removing myself from the stuff that has been eating away my time, the stuff that in the true reality if things is not what is truly important.  It will pass, it will be gone from existence yet what remains is the now.  The calm peaceful stillness of now.  And I am enjoying life so much more.

  

At (Arms) Crossed Purpose

4 of Pentacles Reversed, Rider Waite Smith Tarot

Sometimes we are in a situation where we, or someone we know appears closed off, physically or emotionally.  Body language experts often tell us that folding our arms across ourselves is a give away that someone it doing this.

In the 4 of Pentacles it is pretty evident that the figure is doing the arms crossed 'closed off' signal, while holding one of his pentacles close to him.  One of the popular keywords for this card reversed is 'greed'.  However as the suit of Pentacles is about everything 'physical', so it also covers our physical self.

Greed, obviously is about protecting what you have, not willing to share it, but when it comes to ourselves it may be a case of self preservation.

Sometimes a little bit of retreating to re-assess a situation, without other people affecting our thoughts with their advice and opinions needs to be done.  

We become closed off to others when we feel we need to protect our selves from unwelcome attention, criticism even physical attack.  So is the 4 of Pentacles reversed seen as a negative position to be in?

Being someone who is lucky enough not to be one of those people who absorb others negative energies, I have noticed recently that I am feeling some negativity in me.  

I am able to attune myself with peoples' energy, however, partly due to my previous career I feel I learned how to protect myself from carrying their energy with me and rarely after a reading do I feel I have someone else's emotional baggage with me.

So my recent negativity is being triggered by something.  There seems to be certain people that are setting off that negativity and I need to examine why.  It is definitely a projection as these people have done nor said anything outwardly negative.  I just get a bad vibe from their interactions. 

Given that I dislike how I am feeling, I have decided to withdraw myself from the area these people are so as not to cause an issue with them.  In reality these people have done nothing to me personally, yet I just feel the negativity rise in me the moment their presence is apparent.

I am closing off, I am protecting myself, and will impose a level of isolation from the places i frequent, for the present.  This is not a bad or selfish thing, it is to give me time to look at the issue and work out just what is being brought up from my unconscious that I don't really want to look at about myself.

From there I can work on the problem, from there I can turn that card around, and from there I can hopefully move on to a better frame of mind.

Riding Bareback Through The 6 of Wands

6 of Wands, Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

In some respects I can see this card as the song 'What have you done today to make you feel proud?' by M People.

Generally viewed as a positive card of victory, triumph and success, the 6 of Wands looks like a pretty good place to be.

There he sits triumphant on his horse, people around are cheering and celebrating the victory.  Just what has the rider done to deserve the acclaim he receives? 

Maybe its something that will serve others, like the union rep fighting for a pay rise for his members  and winning,  or something less society based, and more personal, like the family member that has successfully organised a surprise get together for loved ones.

Whatever the card means personally to the querant, it is a sign that they can feel they have done something  to make them hold their head up high and enjoy the congratulatory cheers.  However the 6 of Wands is usually a short lived triumph as it gives way to the 7 which can (in brief) mean challenge, defending your position or fighting off the competition. 

For now however it is all about success and being able to enjoy that success for just as long as the party lasts, because admittedly the figure in the card is sitting proud on is horse but saddle soreness will eventually kick in.  Remember that 'pride comes before a fall'.

Every card has a good and bad side though and I feel the 6 of Wands is ripe for this exploration (actually it just happened to be my daily draw for today).

Sometimes  when I see this card I feel like saying it's time to get off your high horse.  It may be that the querant or someone in the querant's life is going along blowing their own trumpet, it could symbolise that uncle who has been in the same job for 27 years with no prospect of promotion but tells anyone who will  listen just how the company would collapse if it wasn't for him.

  

It could be that they are over embellishing their success, bragging and boastful in an attention seeking manner or  they are taking credit where they shouldn't be.

We are allowed to be proud of our achievements, we are allowed a certain amount of praise for our achievements, that is natural.  It becomes a problem when constant ego stroking is needed to validate us.  It hides the deep insecurities and low self esteem which can in turn develop into grandiose behaviour and exaggerated claims.

Another aspect of the card, to me, speaks of someone spouting the moral high ground.  'Look at me, I am such a darned good person, everybody needs to listen to me and my ideals because I am right'.

We all know someone like this, whether in real life or through the media.  

I know someone exactly like this, they feel the need to voice their opinion  (and frequent disapproval) of others life choices so everybody can tell this person how wonderful she is, so wise and knowledgeable and yet, when it comes to her life choices, she doesn't practice what she so loudly preaches, then wonders why the admiring crowd have dispersed and she is left to stable her own horse.

So when you see this card come up, try and see how the rider is sitting in that saddle and just which way the horse is heading