Rebelling Against My Mother and Our Father

Rider Waite Smith 

Of all the cards in a tarot deck, there is one that, no matter what the deck is, no matter it's depiction, I intuitively stall whenever I see it.  The Hierophant is a card of such diverse meaning, yet I can barely ever feel good about it.
Maybe the lack of organised religion in my formative years had something to do with it, but I highly doubt it, The Hierophant is so much more than that.

As a child my upbringing was always at odds with who I was.  My mother was (and still is) a great believer in acting in a way, so that others judgement of you would be positive.  She was a stickler for convention, for proper manners and etiquette, for dressing as if we were higher up the rung of the social ladder than we really were.  And if you misbehaved by her standards, well, punishment was inevitable.  Firstly by a physical punishment then by emotional withdrawal and ultimately the guilt trip.  Pretty heavy stuff for a 5 year old to have to understand.

My mother was the disciplinarian, the rule maker, the judge, jury and executioner.  My father, he was more like me, laid back, easy going and a free spirit.  He was a hard worker, a provider, and an ally.

Looking back, and being of an age where I now understand my mother's story, I can see why she had the belief that, as a girl, I was supposed to be the epitome of coy and demure sensitivity.

My mother was the third of 4 sisters, born between the mid 1930s and early 1940s, her mother, prior to marriage had been employed as a lady's maid, her mother before her was 'in service' too  A job that demanded a strict etiquette and certain social graces for that period. My mother and her sisters were raised with that same etiquette and discipline.  This was what she had been taught and made to believe about how females should conduct themselves.

However, I was the child with my head in the clouds, lost in my little fantasy world and daydreams.  There were no girls of my age where we lived and so I ran wild with the boys.  This frustrated my mother so much.  All the pretty dresses, frilly ankle socks, pretty patent leather dolly shoes were wasted on me, even though I was small for my age, had blonde hair, big blue eyes (everyone used to tell my mother I was like a little doll, ugh!).  This was, I was told, how little girls are meant to be, how I was expected to be, yet I was happiest running barefoot along the road, hair blowing out behind me, dust on my face, playing cops and robbers with the boys.

I didn't want to be like all the 'other little girls', because I wasn't like the other little girls, I was me.  I was just me!  I would question who it was, who said I had to be like the other girls, but was told that is just how it was.

My father, on a weekend would take my brother and me off to explore over the paddocks that were in front of our house, with strict instructions from my mother to keep hold of my hand, don't let me get dirty, and to make sure I behaved, no such rules for my brother though.  Once out of sight, I was allowed to run wild, I learned how to throw a boomerang, I played football, went for a paddle in the stream, whilst my brother looked on in total amusement and encouragement.  My darling dad would get us almost in sight of our house, then dust me down, wipe my face with his handkerchief and tie my hair back into its ponytail as best he could, then return us home having 'obeyed orders'.

I didn't or couldn't be the young lady my mother wanted me to be, I just knew I had to allow my energy, my spirit to run in the direction it wanted to.  As young as I was I felt stifled by the restraints of 'convention', like trying to hold in a sneeze that you can feel coming, it may work for a short time, but it will soon burst forth with force, but my mother just couldn't understand that.


Even to this day, I fail to conform, I live as who I am comfortable to be.  I still see the look on my mother's face and hear her sigh if frustration as I add another tattoo to my vast collection, as I crop my hair close to my head.  I turn up to functions in my jeans, with paint on my hands and a half eaten packet of mints in my bag. I laugh at the most inappropriate times (and inappropriate things), I kick off my shoes, curl my legs up on chairs and rest my elbows on tables. I will go and play water fights with the children outside, run to the ice cream van in an excitable puppy like manner (and ask for every topping available on my ice cream).  I'll eat starters as a main course, ask for ketchup in a restaurant and use a spoon to eat the foam from my cappuccino.  Whose rule says I shouldn't do these things?  Bring their head to me on a plate!

So I suppose one of my issues with The Hierophant is my non-conformity.  If I am told something as a truth, I question it, I want to know who says it must be so.  Authority can and should be questioned, if you want people to behave a certain way or believe in something, your argument for it must be valid, it has to be able to hold water.  You have to show that it is something that enriches and empowers the individual and the majority, but can still evolve with our ever changing world.

The 'teacher'( or preacher) that is The Hierophant possibly represents that part of my upbringing, that outdated belief that I should be shy and retiring, looking pretty and dead behind the eyes.  Demanding that it not be questioned, or running the risk of punishment or ostracism if you do.

The other thing that stalls me with The Hierophant is the religious symbolism usually portrayed within the card.  I have nothing against any organised  religion, if that is what you choose to follow, then I'm happy that you have something that gives you peace and meaning in your life, however, for me, it just doesn't work.

These are my opinions and I do not wish to offend anybody, so please do not think I am making any personal attacks here, that is not my intention.  However as a student of tarot, my views on the cards are personal to me and based on my beliefs and experiences.

It is concerning when you realise how many wars have been started, fought and lost in the name of religion.  Persucution and execution performed in its name.  Where is the love, compassion and unity that it preaches?  Why are some sections of society turned into pariahs depending on the dogma of a particular religion?

And, as with all institutions that hold any kind of power, it is open to corruption and abuse of that power.  It then allows those who are guilty of any kind of misdeeds, to hide behind its doors, covering up the stains on its reputation, making all the right noises, but doing little to make any of their people culpable.

And these are the people we allow to dictate our moral code, we aren't expected to and discouraged from questioning their ethics, their policies or their honesty.  We are told their 'truths' and are expected to follow an 'etiquette' from a long gone societal structure into our modern world.  When the shift came is irrelevant, but the fact that it did is highly relevant and religion needs to adapt.  Obviously some are trying,but that is more thanks to individual religious teachers.  Peter Owen Jones is an Anglican clergyman who is a progressive 'man of the church' and has a talent for exploring where the Christian teachings fit into today's society, putting it on film and sharing his explorations with the world (you can find his BBC documentaries on YouTube).

Nobody is infallible, it is what makes us human, however when someone is in the position of being the intermediary of the people and their god, then they have a responsibility to act in a way that is beyond question, for these are the people who teach us what is acceptable within that faith and, in their belief, the world.  If they are not prepared to adhere to these beliefs then what chance for anyone else.

Obviously not all religious teachers are like this, a few bad apples and all that, yet it brings in doubt as to the credibility of the religious institutions.

This is why I have respect for Buddhism, it allows the free thinker to participate, it encourages the follower to question it and work with the parts of its teachings that fit.  It doesn't ask for blind devotion, nor encourage it. It calls itself a philosophy or way of life, even the Dalai Lama, when asked about his religion will tell people, his religion is kindness.  His way of life is Buddhist, but that is not his religion.

So until tarot decks have His Holiness's smiling, serene image on card number 5, I am always going to stall when this card comes up.

From Buckets to Bengalore, to Breakthroughs

XI Breakthrough.  Osho Zen Tarot.

 Being 'of a certain age', I have, over the course of the past six months, been writing my bucket list.  The idea being, once I hit my next birthday, I will start crossing things off, said list.  Some items on the list are relatively small things, such as going camping with my grandson.  Others are far more adventurous.

I've always had wanderlust, my mother calls it 'itchy feet syndrome', and doesn't understand why I want to investigate this wonderful planet we inhabit.  A bit rich coming from the woman who dragged two children under the age of four across to the other side of the world, and back again.  I feel being so transient in my younger years has left it's mark.

My parents emigrated to Australia in 1966 by sea, a journey of almost 7 weeks, and we travelled back to the U.K in 1971 in the same manner.  I can say I've been to some amazing places although cannot recall most of them now.  I do know I have been through the Suez Canal and the Panama Canal, I have sailed over the equator twice and have trinkets and souvenirs from places, that in my childhood, many people could only fantasise about.

When we arrived back to the U.K, we were effectively homeless, but my parents worked miracles going from lodging with relatives to buying a small 2 bedroomed flat, to a 3 bedroomed house within 2 years.

That never satisfied my mother though, she wanted bigger, better, more space, a bigger garden, a nicer area.  And so I was moved about more than most.

This has always been a part of my life.  I've never been one to want bigger and better though,  I just like investigating different places.  I've lived in rural areas, I've lived city centre.  I have done conventional and controversial but I always enjoy the adventure.

So there on my bucket list is the desire to live at an Ashram in India, it's a big wish as I fear flying, but there is such a strong pull for me to do it.  It is something of the long term goal as obviously I would need money for flights and back up, but I have my heart set on it and am planning ways in which to achieve it.  I cannot shake the feeling that this is something that I will regret not doing.

I have done  community living before, where everyone worked for one goal, that however was for the material benefit of a singular person.  It was hard work with no nurturing of the spirit, only relentless physical work.  This time I want to assist with something worthwhile, for the benefit of all beings, the benefit of this amazing planet and for the benefit of spiritual nourishment.

I asked the Osho Zen for a card to show how following this idea could help me grow and it gave me XI Breakthrough.  In brief, I feel this experience will break down any barriers I have about my spiritual growth, stripping me down to my very essence, giving me the chance to begin a whole new way of living my life spiritually for the better.

I think I've been given a big thumbs up from the universe, now all I need to do is start saving hard and getting my priorities set.  Time to address the unnecessary spending and relinquish the so called necessities, that in the cold light of day are little more than snacks for the ego.

You Have a Name, Not A Label

Psychic Tarot for the Heart by John Holland

Within all of our relationships with the people in our lives, there tends to be one that we get lost in.  This isn't helped by the opinions from others who tell us. 'your romantic relationships should come first, your children should come first, we need to have a large circle of trusted friends, we need to do large family gatherings regularly.  
I'm not advocating neglecting any of these relationships, but just which relationship should be your priority?

I believe it is the relationship we have with ourselves.  I am leaving babies and very young children out of this equation as they obviously need our constant nurturing and attention, however even a new mum needs time to have a soak in the bath (alone) after a full day of nappies, bottles, sick and snot. 

If we give ourselves over to our relationships we become lost in who we really are.  We are too busy anticipating and delivering the needs of the other person, that recognising our own needs gets neglected. 

I am no control freak, yet my kids, when younger, had a strong routine, a regular bed time and a quiet time at some point through the day.  This was a way for me to touch base with myself, to nurture me.  

Romantic relationships were quite tricky, I am fiercely independent and like to be in charge of my life, so boundaries were set and often broken (I seemed to attract needy, insecure men) and this is where my love life fell down.

I am often shocked when I hear or see women who have become someone's mummy or partner.  We all have an individual identity and yet so many people are happy to lose that identity.  Sometimes it may be that who we really are does not seem significant, yet we are all here for a purpose, and that purpose is to learn about ourselves.  

So if you are feeling like you are an extension of someone else, take some time to look at what you would truly like to do-just you, what dreams do you have, what sparks your imagination?

Seek some clarity within you, find out who you are, what makes you tick.

Think of the relationships that hold you back from doing that and ask why?  Who is holding you back?  You will be surprised at the answer. 

Make your needs and wants heard.  Set your boundaries firmly in place and do something for you.  You might be surprised at the positive change in your relationships that it brings. 

I Do Believe in Faeries.

The Faeries Oracle by Brian Froud

Along with my delivery of Tarot Illuminati another card deck bounced into my cart and found its way to my loving arms.

Its a deck I have read so much about (some of it quite bizarre) but I wanted to see what the hype was all about.  As I have made this year's deck study all about Tarot of the Hidden Realm (which is a fey energy deck) I wanted to explore this world a little more.  I am developing a real pull towards the fey realm and thought as I have 365 days and 78 tarot cards in my Hidden Realm deck, maybe I needed something to expand on.

Some people find a belief in the faerie realm a little, let's call it, odd. I, however, feel it opens up our inner child and lets her play in a way that adulthood has neglected.  Surely this is a good thing.  I mean c'mon, if big business execs can spend a day paint-balling, running round a place playing pretend shoot outs and call it team building, what is wrong with someone else 'seeing' faeries.  

Now call me a cynic, strange or whatever, but I have a real issue with 'Angels'.  I know that they are popular and well received by a lot of people, (and an excellent money maker for certain people) but I just can't click with the concept. Maybe its about the Christianity thing, them being portrayed as the 'messengers of 'god' and all that, but it really doesn't taste good in my mouth. Every angel deck I have come across is sugary sweet with positivity and that is not real life.   

If that is what you are in to then its nice you have found a system that gives you comfort and guidance, however its not for me.  If we are to believe that every difficulty we face, every issue we have to deal with in life is a test from the angels then doesn't that absolve us from taking any responsibility for choices we have made, that may not have been good ones?.  Like a celestial 'pass the buck'.`

How do you do a reading for the person whose partner has just walked out on them, left them with massive debts, broke, in a bad place mentally and at the risk of becoming homeless as they may be losing their job?  

How can a reading from a sugary sweet positive deck help that person?  How does having Gabriel telling you that the loving arms of the angels are around you, help you move forward.  Am I just 'not getting it?'  To me its like being given a life threatening diagnosis and then being handed a sticking plaster.

Sorry, I digress on a totally different ramble.  

Faeries, yes.  I have researched the Faerie Oracle before it fell into my shopping cart, and I love the earthy style of some of the fey.  There are some beautiful faeries (more in keeping with general ideas of how faeries should look, but there are some gargoyle-esque fey there too).  The messages are honest and relevant.  It should not be assumed that life is going to be sprinkled with pretty pixie dust with these cards, some of the energies would just as easy throw a cow-pat over you if it meant you got the message.

Faerie energy is cheeky, mischievous but strong, powerful and honest.  Life is all about the ups and downs, the light and dark.  It is duality, it is contrast and complement.
These cards hold it all and I'm chomping at the bit to get to know them. 

Internal Sat Navs and the Re-calculating Route

I'm a great believer that we meet people in life for a reason.  These reasons can be varied and confusing at times, but I feel that there are lessons to be learned from each and every one of our encounters.

As a typical Pisces I can be a bit of a dreamer and not always decisive on my direction in life however I have met people and been in situations that have made it abundantly clear to me the direction i do not want to take.

These people are like the Magical Map Shifter, they can throw you off course.  They change your direction in life either temporarily or permanently, sometimes in a good way sometimes not so good.

We need to accept that not everyone we meet will be for our higher good, some interactions may happen to actually make us question ourselves about just where our motives and ideas have been leading us.

This can sometimes make us have to double back on our life journey and plan to re-route and make the changes we need to make in order to reach that better place.

Some people turn up to help take us further down our path when we feel stuck, lost or just need company over the rocky bits of the mountain we need to climb.  These are the people that sometimes, just as quickly disappear from our lives.  Yet, these are the people who impact on us and magically shift our personal maps for the better.    

In years gone by, I would simply refuse to acknowledge my part when things went wrong, when I wandered in to bad places.  I now see that I had to accept my part in these things, and I can now understand that the people who were there with me at the time were there to show me a lesson about myself.  Believe me some were pretty hard to learn.  However each person that has touched my life has been a part of my personal map, they helped shape the landscape and build the pathways that needed exploring.

I feel that every connection we make in this life has the ability to be a magical map shifter, we just need to choose which of these can help us on our journey and which ones want to take us to the dead ends.  

Light My Fire

Enchanted Map Oracle, Colette Baron Reid

I love the fact that what I do to pay the bills leaves me plenty of time to embrace the things I love.  I may not be an expert in any of my hobbies and interests but I have the luxury of time to pursue what makes my inner light shine.

As a child I loved to create, and was always being reprimanded for the scrappy bits of paper lying all over my bedroom floor among crayons, scissors, glue, pens and pencils.

I begged my mother to teach me how to knit at the age of 7 and spent many a happy time knitting blankets for my doll’s pram.  They were by no means perfect but it sparked something in me that made me realise, inspiration is enough to lead you anywhere.

Many years later I worked in a craft shop where I could indulge my passion for card making, scrapbooking, and mixed media art.  It also gave me th opportunity to demonstrate things I had learned and share that knowledge, in the hope that even one person gained inspiration to give it a go themselves.

I even taught myself to crochet about 12 years ago via the internet, something my mother had never learned to do so was unable to teach me.

I’m no expert at any of these activities, but, I can produce decent results.  The end result is not necessarily the goal for me, it’s the doing, and it’s the idea of taking some basic items and playing with them, from the initial idea, to the activity, of putting the idea into motion and doing it for me.  I'm not really bothered if someone doesn't appreciate my efforts, however its a bonus if they do.  Its a bit like keeping a diary, albeit a very tactile one, nobody keeps a diary for someone else to critique.its personal to the writer.  This is how I view my creations.

The same goes for my love of tarot and oracle cards.  I enjoy getting to know the cards, looking at each image, seeing how each one makes me feel.  My take on a card may not match some else's, however, neither is wrong, we just view things from slightly different angles  

Visually I adore Colette Baron Reid’s Enchanted Map oracle, the artwork is stunning. The images are rich, emotive and intriguing.

I look at these cards as mini pieces of art, and am in the process of using some of the images in a photo manipulation programme to create wall art for my home. 

I’m using the card ‘Spark’ to go on the wall in my bedroom, near my bed.  

I’m using the image and association of the card to remind me that every day I will find at least one thing that will bring me that flash of inspiration.  It may not be obvious at first but it maybe that one thing tat keeps coming back into our mind, as if the subconscious is telling us 'take note'.

Whether that be a creative inspiration, a topic that piques my interest and learn more about, (or blog about) even an insight to check in with myself, work on an underlying issue or just to remember to enjoy ‘being’.  It may be the tiniest thing, but it will resonate with me, touch my heart and my spirit.

I don’t want to spend my days with my eyes, ears and heart closed to what is happening around me.  I want be open to the little quirks of life that may sometimes pass us by.  

I talk to some people and think ‘How can someone be so blinkered?’  They must walk around with their eyes shut. 

This is an amazing planet we live on and a fascinating universe we exist in, why are some people just happy to merely exist here and can think no further than the tip of their noses.  

We, in the grand scheme of things, only inhabit this planet for a millisecond of time.  Surely it would be nice to think of just one thing we could leave behind to say ‘I was here’.  Just a small wisp of ourselves that, even if it touches just one single being, can be our legacy.

We can’t all be Michelangelo, Shakespeare or The Buddha, but we can be inspired by them, whether it be for the art, the mastery of language or their dedication of finding true spiritual peace. 

 We can all find a spark somewhere and use it to light a torch to guide us on our journey through this life.  You just need to be looking in all the right places

SO GO ON, CREATE SOMETHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU!