New Year, New Me.

As we enter another year I would like to wish everyone their best year yet.  Like a lot of people I have made my plans and set my goals for 2016. I do it every year but somehow I seem to come derailed and end up way off course or fail to implement even the first steps. 

This year though, I reach an important milestone and have made a decision to get serious with where I am heading.  I have invested in an invaluable tool to help me organise and prioritise, namely the Rituals for Living Dreambook and Planner. I love the simplicity and elegance of it and the way it gets me envisioning my ideal life.

This is what I need, something to keep me focussed by breaking down the bigger goals into bite size pieces.
This is a year for deep inner work on the scars that won't heal, finding how they affect me, my family and friends and my life choices.

2015 seemed to start well, I had mapped out my 12 month plan which seemed to be developing as I'd hoped  However, towards the later end of the year I was dealt some serious emotional blows and I suffered a number of heart wrenching losses, one after the other.  

Feeling like my healing journey had been set back I allowed myself to sink deeper into old habits, self sabotage and spiritual neglect.  Projecting externally the person others believed I was, whilst inside I felt I was unravelling slowly.  

There has been a turning point, a rude awakening as it were.  Someone that I had the good fortune to meet this past year sent me such a lovely message, even though I see this person most days, they felt a less confrontational and more indirect approach was better.  They had noticed the grey cloud over me, they waited for me to open up.  When I failed to do so they made that move, offered me support, gave me a compassionate ear and a shoulder to lean on.

That was when the realisation hit me,  that even though the souls we are closely connected to, that have passed from this life have left a void, there are other souls still on this plane of existence that can build new places in our hearts.  For everyone I've lost this year, I have gained others, and for these new connections, I need to be present.  I need to keep growing.  

So today is the first day of 2016 and the first day of a focused, determined me.  To work on the wounds that every so often, break open, to recognise that I have a support network that can help me grow.

My first daily draw for 2016 was a very poignant one and came from a deck that I surprised myself by actually falling a little bit in love with.  I am open about my dislike of sugar coated decks, and the oracle/tarot market saturation by this person, however the Fairy Tarot by Doreen Virtue and Radleigh Valentine is my chosen deck for myself at the moment.  I feel I'm in a place that needs some TLC and gentle persuasion, and this deck gives me that.
It may not last for long, but for now it is exactly what I need.

So today I asked what energy is around me and drew The Star, the second card is 'because' and I drew The Chariot.

 Looking at these cards tells my energy is one of optimism and hope, that there is healing happening because I have taken the reins of my life's direction.
What better way to start the year?

On The Road To Somewhere

Image from www.pixabay.com

After a huuuuuge hiatus, I'm back.  I make no excuses or apologies.  I needed time away, so I gave myself permission to take it.

I haven't been entirely idle, I have embraced the time and utilised it to do some much neglected art journalling, reading, and catching up with myself.  I even went back over my Self Love September notes from last year, just to see how far I had come.  So imagine my absolute joy when I heard Kelly-Ann was doing another one this year.  
You can find the details HERE 

When I started the Self Love September last year, I had, 6 months earlier, come out of a severe depressive episode, I was still fragile, sensitive and having days when even getting dressed seemed like an insurmountable task.  I had thrown myself into my tarot studies more as a distraction than anything.  It was something I realised that the people around me didn't comprehend, so it became a way to shut myself off from them.  I had never realised there was such a big community on the internet until I stumbled onto youtube.  That was my turning point, when I realised that this was something that wasn't a distraction, it was actually my focus.  

Doing practice spreads whilst I was reading the copious amount of tarot books I had, made me realise that the cards were giving me help........ not predictions, but actual advice.  VIII Strength was my stalker, as was XIII Death and XVI The Tower.  At first my understanding of these 3 cards was skewed, I felt it was predicting more trouble, more problems, until I began to realise they were actually trying to help me get my life back on track.

All I wanted was the 'old me' back, to feel the way I used to about life, it was like a mantra, I would cry every morning, beg every night for this. Eventually I realised those cards were trying to tell me, I would never be the 'old me'.  My situation had ensured that could not be.  I had to leave the 'old me' behind, if I didn't I wouldn't have learned the lesson I needed to, that my life was being who others wanted me to be and it wouldn't get any better if I didn't make the change.  What I had to do was accept the 'me' that I was now. 

As The Tower was telling me, everything I had before, everything I believed, trusted and 'knew' was gone.  I had to build a new foundation, one from my own strength and build it back up.  It was slow sometimes unsteady, I felt like I was having to metaphorically keep taking bricks out that didn't fit and replace them.  I'm still "under construction' but I am getting there.

Once I found the online community, my mental state began to improve, here were people I could learn from, talk with, share ideas with and they didn't have to know my past, I didn't even have to get dressed to speak with them, they wouldn't know if I was in my PJ's at 3pm nor would they probably care.

So when I read about Self Love September 2014, I knew I had to do it.   Having followed The Four Queens' blog and YouTube channel for a while I realised this young woman was someone very special, with something amazing to give.  I felt that Self Love could benefit me, it was what I was lacking in my foundation.  Prior to participating, I was too busy appeasing everyone around me, the usual responses from me were; 
No, really, it's fine.
Of course I don't mind.
If you want me to.
No, don't apologise, it's just me being oversensitive.

Now I happily stand in my own power, because the 'me' I became has needs and wants, just as much as everyone around me.  If I can't address those with priority then how can I address other people's.  If I'm not happy at core level, how am I to to be happy for others.  My responses also address my needs too, they have become;

I'm not able to as I have other commitments  (even if that commitment is soaking in a bubble bath, I promised it to myself and you don't break promises especially to those you love).
I don't want to go........ (insert activity/place you have absolutely no interest in here) as it's not my 'thing'.
No! (no further explanation needed to justify this)
I haven't blogged, because I wanted to do something else.

Last year helped me so much to start to understand that I was important, I have a spirit that needs nurturing, an inner child that needs to play, and the inner strength to be and do these things

So I am eagerly anticipating September I know I'll be participating, journalling, creating and reaffirming that I am indeed special, as we all are.  If we can't tell ourselves that and believe it, then it will make no difference, at our core level, how many times other people tell us.

This time 4 years ago, I was in hell. 
This time last year I was in the proverbial tunnel, walking towards that glimmer of light.
And now, I am exactly where I need to be at this moment.

Seratonin and SCUBA Diving

Found on Pinterest

Anyone who has ever suffered with depression can tell you, it is a cruel taskmaster.  So it was lovely to see Kelly-Ann aka The Four Queens speak candidly about her experience with depression in this video.  She is so eloquent and calm in her delivery of what I feel is a very honest and open dialogue about her mental health history, and her acceptance of this part of her life is reassuring to others who may be currently battling with acceptance of their own.  I know my daughter has learned to accept herself more through certain videos from Kelly-Ann and accepts her scars as something that manifested itself in her, but does not need justifying to others.  The people who matter to my daughter don't need to ask, the people who ask do not matter.

So as a way of a response to the video I decided to have a ramble about my own battle and my feelings on the attitudes of depression.

Only in the past 2 year have I managed to pull myself out of the black hole that had me trapped for over 3 years.  It's been a long climb up the path of recovery, two steps forward, one step back most of the time.  I dealt with mine using a combination of medication, therapy and taking a proactive approach.  I can now say that I am free from the medication and no longer have therapy but I still check in with myself regularly, I still make that mental visit to see if there is anything that my 'inner friend' needs.  

I would like to think most people who have dealt with depression and come through the other side do this.  It's not alway easy though, to recognise the thought patterns that can  take them back to that dark place.  Sometimes it isn't possible to avoid going along that path again and again, as anyone with depression knows.

People are quick to judge someone with depression, as it is not an illness that is easily seen.  Most sufferers cover it up so well that when crisis happens, what I call 'The Abyss', people around are shocked, even surprised.  They wonder how it has happened, why it has happened, and the most common reaction is telling the sufferer that they should have told people they were struggling. When in reality the times that we do reach out, I found the most common responses were;

Oh, it'll sort itself out.
Everybody has problems 
Pull yourself together/get a grip
You'll be fine, you're a strong person.

I feel over the years, depression has been re-defined and not in a good way, by people who have no real understanding of it.  Depression has become something that has been relegated to the ranks of having a bad day.  But it is not ' a bad day', it is not feeling fed up because you didn't get what you wanted.  It is  certainly not shedding some tears in  the doctors office, in the hope they will give you an official letter, so your university will give you special dispensation on your degree score, as you were too busy living it up instead of studying.  (Yes, I have been witness to all of these cases of 'depression').

Then there are the people who do not realise depression is a chemical imbalance, the lack of seratonin, that anybody can develop. Even the most successful, wealthy, loved, respected and publicly adored.  Yet it seems common for others to judge by wondering what these people have to be depressed about.    It is not the exclusive realm of the lonely, poor and under appreciated.  My depression started when I was married, we had a very good income, respectable jobs even 2 holidays abroad every year.  But depression caught me in its web and now, single, working a low paid job and taking each day with acceptance for whatever may happen, and not judging mine or others choices, I am happier than I have been for many years.

Depression, real depression is that smothering, crushing feeling, when,  no matter how you try and look at things, there is nothing. There is no feeling of hope or joy, there is no feeling of worthiness, there is no feeling of understanding.  There is only fear, hopelessness, mistrust and a mental loneliness as your brain tells you that you are stupid, nobody cares, and what is the point when you are useless and fail at everything and nobody really likes you, they are just being polite (these were just some of my constant mental processes when I started down the slope).

 But the treatment of depression has to be a proactive one.  Medication works for most people but the individual's thought processes have to be worked on, altered and diverted.  If not, then the medication just masks the underlying  issues and the cycle of depression remains.  I had 3 different talking therapies, not all worked, everybody is different though and what didn't work for me can be the key for someone else.

My mother is a perfect example of what Kelly-Ann describes as cloaking oneself in their depression.  To my mother it defines who she is, it excuses her cruel side and feeds her need for attention and getting her own way.  She wears it as her badge of honour.  She has been on antidepressants for 20 years (since my father's death).  She refuses talking therapy, as she claims the therapists are useless and don't help.  She expects them to solve the issues and feels they should provide her with the answers that only she can give. 

She refuses to participate in anything that may be enjoyable unless it is something she wants to do, and if she does take part, she will criticise and complain for the duration, spoiling it for everyone else lest she is proven wrong and she has a good time.  

And yet she feels her happiness is everybody else's responsibility.  I don't judge her for it, she has no understanding of her illness and doesn't want to learn about it.  So I accept her as she is and arm myself mentally against any negativity she wants to throw out into the world.  For if she won't  help herself, then I, nor anyone else can do it for her.  

Ironically it was my mother who helped me recover, when she made the comment, after being medicated myself for almost 3 years, that I was going to end up like her, stuck on 'useless' drugs for the rest of my life.  My inner rebel sat up and thought no way am I turning into my mother.  My path for recovery was set, that very day.  

I knew there was some positive things in my life, I knew I could find that fun, loving person that was squashed so far down inside of me.  I knew I had to coax her back, gently with love, compassion and patience.  I had to wrap my arms and heart around the 'me' that the depressive mind had told me was gone and I never deserved anyway.  I had to dive deep, search through the murky depths and try and find that little glimmer of gold. Believe me it took some time to find it through the wreckage that lay covering it. Once I found that first little piece I went back every day and searched for more and more, until it was like I had found the actual treasure chest, where all the happiness lay.  I can not say I will never suffer any further episodes of depression, it is not something I plan on, however nobody ever does, but I know for now my life feels good I am happy with who and where I am and that is what matters more than anything. 

At (Arms) Crossed Purpose

4 of Pentacles Reversed, Rider Waite Smith Tarot

Sometimes we are in a situation where we, or someone we know appears closed off, physically or emotionally.  Body language experts often tell us that folding our arms across ourselves is a give away that someone it doing this.

In the 4 of Pentacles it is pretty evident that the figure is doing the arms crossed 'closed off' signal, while holding one of his pentacles close to him.  One of the popular keywords for this card reversed is 'greed'.  However as the suit of Pentacles is about everything 'physical', so it also covers our physical self.

Greed, obviously is about protecting what you have, not willing to share it, but when it comes to ourselves it may be a case of self preservation.

Sometimes a little bit of retreating to re-assess a situation, without other people affecting our thoughts with their advice and opinions needs to be done.  

We become closed off to others when we feel we need to protect our selves from unwelcome attention, criticism even physical attack.  So is the 4 of Pentacles reversed seen as a negative position to be in?

Being someone who is lucky enough not to be one of those people who absorb others negative energies, I have noticed recently that I am feeling some negativity in me.  

I am able to attune myself with peoples' energy, however, partly due to my previous career I feel I learned how to protect myself from carrying their energy with me and rarely after a reading do I feel I have someone else's emotional baggage with me.

So my recent negativity is being triggered by something.  There seems to be certain people that are setting off that negativity and I need to examine why.  It is definitely a projection as these people have done nor said anything outwardly negative.  I just get a bad vibe from their interactions. 

Given that I dislike how I am feeling, I have decided to withdraw myself from the area these people are so as not to cause an issue with them.  In reality these people have done nothing to me personally, yet I just feel the negativity rise in me the moment their presence is apparent.

I am closing off, I am protecting myself, and will impose a level of isolation from the places i frequent, for the present.  This is not a bad or selfish thing, it is to give me time to look at the issue and work out just what is being brought up from my unconscious that I don't really want to look at about myself.

From there I can work on the problem, from there I can turn that card around, and from there I can hopefully move on to a better frame of mind.

Synchronised Sorries

6 of Cups, Tarot Illuminati by Erik. C. Dunne

I've spent most of today pondering the 6 of Cups.  It's been going through my head all day could it represent forgiveness?  Laying some ghosts of the past to rest is it were?

Doing my daily spread tonight with a question with regard to regrets I may hold on to in my life, my third card was in the position for what I need to do to forgive myself.

The card I pulled was the 6 of Cups.  Now to me the cards have basically confirmed my quandary.  I see this as going back in my thoughts, to the younger me and forgiving myself.  Also to offer the gratitude to those people that taught me lessons in life, both good and bad.

I do believe that even those people that have brought us pain and heartache all had a lesson for us to learn.  They may even have given us a legacy which is full of joy (one of my exes brought untold despair and suffering to me, however, I had 2 beautiful children with him, for which I cannot thank him enough).  The lesson he taught me was about self love and honesty.

I feel the image of the card was clear enough to show me this as the person in the background looking down towards the children, feels as if this is me now.  The children, innocent and unaware of the watchful figure are lost in their exchange with each other.  The girl looks to me as if she is explaining something to the young boy, who listens intently.

I have recently been working on forgiveness and accepting my part in past situations in my life, that i feel had a particularly negative effect on my, so this card seems so relevant with the theme and my musings today.

In visualisations, when working through the forgiveness issues, this is exactly how I see it in my mind.  It is how I imagine forgiving the younger me and the people involved

I feel it was a nice bit of synchronicity to pull this card today, and it shows me that this deck and I are getting along very nicely, hopefully it will keep showing me more and more as I ask more from it. 

This Person May Be Hazardous

How many of us have toxic relationships?  If we are honest we all probably have at least one person in our lives who we feel we would rather be without yet find it hard to walk away from.

Toxic relationships can vary from that 'friend' who always has to put us down, to the overcritical parent right the way through to an abusive partner.

When we stop and look at these relationships in the cold light of day, even through someone else's eyes it can be quite saddening to see how we let these people make us feel. 

I believe the tarot can show this through various cards,, firstly lets start with our old friend The Devil:

 The Devil can symbolise the scapegoat, selfishness, self delusion,  and a dysfunctional relationship

Are we really chained and bound by the devils chains?  We are, in actuality, free to release ourselves at any time.  Yes, we have that choice, although we sometimes are brought so low by constantly being put down, we fail to see it  .  

In toxic relationships, we usually are the scapegoat, the one the other person projects their negative traits on, and they take great pleasure in pointing out 'our' flaws to us and others.  This gives them power, it makes us eventuslly believe that even though this relationship feels intrinsically wrong, by being so flawed, who else would be-friend us.

Often these toxic people are self deluded, by projecting their insecurities they convince themselves of their perfection, they portray it as a badge of honour, happy to tell anyone who will listen how they have martyred themselves to maintain a relationship with  such a lowly creature as us.  So we continue to keep the chains that bind us to The Devil  intact, 'better the Devil you know' fits perfectly here. 

I actually like the card in Tarot of the Hidden Realm's portrayal of The Devil, it is called Shadow Dance.  It fits so well with the theme.

I remember  when trying to come to terms with the physical and emotional scars left over  from a seriously abusive partnership, I read a book called The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner, it was given to me a one of the Womens Aid Refuge workers.

It explained how the self perpetuated cycle of a toxic relationship worked.  It is as though we take part in psychological dance, each step written as a formal move,  we repeat the same steps over and over, until we have perfected it enough to win  trophies.  The clue in ending this dance is to change the steps, throw in a jive when the other is not expecting it, dip and heel, ball , shuffle in an unexpected part of the cycle and the toxic person loses their momentum, thus losing control. 

As the card itself is called Shadow Dance  it is interesting to see how the other person,s shadow side is brought closer to the surface when we do the twist in the middle of our usual foxtrot.

Another card I feel fits with the theme of toxic relationships is the 5 of Swords.  Who is the person with the smug look on their face, collecting his trophies as the other figures walk away, heads bowed.  Does this card portray how you feel at the end of any social event when your toxic person is involved.

Does this toxic person feel good about themselves for the fact that they have, very openly upset others.  Usually you find a toxic person only feels successful when they have caused maximum hurt or embarrassment to their chosen scapegoat.  It may not even be noticeable by others, however when you are constantly being sniped at and little comments being made it starts to build, and slowly wears you down, then, as other people are unaware of the constant poison, you are made to think you are over reacting. 

This is not usually the case though, we never 'over react', we react in exactly the right way as to how a situation makes us feel.

The 8 of Cups can be the best outcome card for toxic relationships,  As the lone figure walks away from the 8 cups, head bowed and mountains to climb, sometimes although hard, to leave those emotions and ties that you feel, behind you, it is as though climbing up to that higher ground can give you the clarity you need.  Those cups you left behind may be filled with all sorts of emotions but that tide is going to come in and knock those cups over and empty them all, to eventually be washed away.  

As 2015 approaches, I ave been looking at some relationships that have a toxic feel to them, some I am preparing to cut loose, others I may have to take dance lessons for as cutting the ties is not viable, however if I can stop their choice of music I can stop dancing to their tune.

  

A spread for 2015

As we all move towards a new year, we all make promises to ourselves that this year will be better/different/the year we achieve all our personal goals.

I've been developing a spread that may be of some use if you are not sure what 2015 shuld be doing for you.  It is not a predicitve spread, but a spread of self learning and awareness. 

The spread uses O The Fool as the pivotal card and is loosely arranges around the figures 2,0,1,5.

The first 2 cards I have placed as something from your life that needs to be left in 2014, something that no longer serves you or doesn't working for you.  In practice readings I have done, it has read two ways, so you need to use your intuition to go with it.  The first interpretation can read as an entire situation, a brief outline of an issue, the whos the whats the whens.  The second interpretation (and it has happened in approximately 50% of the practice readings is that it shows an issue and the reason to leave it behind, the whys.

The Fool card is not interpreted, per se, it symbolises the new year, new start, new step in your life.

Card 3 is the main focus you need to keep in 2015.  It is the lesson that we need to learn to put all the rest into place (even better if a Major shows up here).

Cards 4 through to 8 are also lessons to take on board over the coming year, they may be small changes or realisations that need to be addressed to help us deal with whatever 2015 is going to throw at us. 

It has taken a while to figure if the positions work, and in reality they can be tweaked to be whatever you choose them to be.  But I do like this spread, it can be a bit of an eye opener when most people tell you they are going to go to the gym next year, or give up chocolate and you can say, I'm going to develop my authoritive side/ try and become less self sabotaging, or speak my truth, and I'll keep eating the chocolate when I feel like some (and not judge myself harshly about it) thank you. 

Have a play around with the spread and let me know what you think, let me know if you have given the positions different meanings and if so, what are they, and how do they work for you.

Yule (B)Log

As the shortest day and longest night, Yule, to me is a turning point.  I love the long lazy summer days, so my heart sinks when the sunny days leave us and the dark days creep in.  

Yule gives the promise of the returning light, the plants and flowers slowly begin to stir beneath the earth and the birds and animals start to re-appear.

I think Yule is the perfect time to leave some of our baggage behind in the darkness and nurture what we want to bring into the light.  Tarot can help us look at what these tings can be,  I have always been inspired by The Four Queens' approach to tarot and she has lovingly shared some lovely Yule tarot and oracle spreads on her YouTube channel here.

I think if we dig deep enough within ourselves there is always something we can find that can give us hope and inspiration to pursue, something to bring light into our lives.

Too many people make new year resolutions based on a major change in their lives and by February, have given up as they are not seeing the rewards fast enough.  By using tarot we can 'check in' with ourselves and get a snapshot of what we need to address to accelerate our goals.

I am going to spend some time tonight assessing my goals for the coming year, and if I have to journey one small step at a time, I will.  I will have a monthly check up with the cards to see if I am progressing in the right way and if I need to change anything I am doing, or even need to address an entirely different issue then so be it.  I am not going to run a race with myself to get where I want to be.  I'd rather take a stroll and enjoy the scenery, after all life is meant to be an experience and I want to experience as much as I can.

Have a blessed Yule and may the returning light illuminate your heart.

The Tower and the Compost Heap

This quote reminds me of The Tower card in tarot.  We are sometimes dealt a blow that can seem like the end of our world, as we know it.  

I believe that no matter how destructive the damage of a bolt from the blue can be, there is always a chance to salvage what you can and re-build something better.  Even if there is not one thing salvageable, if you have your self then you have something to re-build with.

We occasionally read an article somewhere on hugely successful people who have been plummeted to their very depths by losing everything they have through various seasons, and yet they have the determination to climb through the debris of their life and climb back up.  We believe these people are the exception to the rule, but are they?

What of the ordinary wife and mother who, because of a divorce, ends up in social housing, working for minimum wage, feeling everyday is a struggle.  In doing so, she instills a strong work ethic in her kids, as they decide to stick in with their education so they can take better employment.

Or the young widowed father, quitting his job to raise his kids, so in years to come, his own son is comfortable being a 'hands on' dad.

Aren't these all 'Tower moments? Making fetilizer from the 'shit' in which we can then plant seeds that will grow and flourish.

Not all 'Tower moments are this severe, it may be the reputation of the card that makes us believe, when it shows up in a spread, that we are going to lose it all.  It may be that the disaster we are waiting to befall us can be that flat tyre we notice as we are leaving for work, delaying us, just long enough to miss the hold up on the motorway due to a minor collision.  Or missing the bus for that all important job interview only to receive a call later that day regarding a job closer to home and with better pay and conditions.

The Tower hits when we least expect it or want it, but fearing it is not going to help. Embrace the changes it will bring.  It can be so liberating when you realise all those expectations, responsibilities and social conventions no longer count and you can let go and make a new beginning, doing it your own way. 

Life is meant to be an adventure, how can you enjoy the twists and turns of your story when you have your stage directions are already written, you need to use some ad lib too.

Wicked Wishes and the 9 of Cups Rx

'Cause getting your dreams

It's strange, but it seems

A little - well - complicated

There's a kind of a sort of, cost

There's a couple of things get, lost

There are bridges you cross

You didn't know you crossed

Until you've crossed

(Lyrics from Thank Goodness, from the musical Wicked)

As the wish card in tarot, the 9 of Cups seems like it can do no wrong.  Reversed though, well lets look at how I see it.

I always try to relate my understanding of a card with an experience from my life, that way it makes it easier to understand. The above song lyrics tend to resonate so well with how I see the 9 of Cups reversed.

Using the RWS card, the man in the card seems to be sitting, claiming his space, arms crossed and a hint of a smug look on his face.  This is someone who seems to be in a stance of arrogance, closed off and with little regard for anyone else's feelings or opinions  No matter what is happening he is going to put himself at the forefront of any situation.  His own inflated self importance is almost sickening.  

Behind him are 9 cups, upside down, I think we all know that an upside down cup is an empty cup.so what exactly is this telling us?

The man is too arrogant to realise the cups are even there, is this someone's emotions being drained?  is it their dreams being tipped away? and still the man sits there, smug and full of his own ego.  

How did this card go from being the 'wish card' to a card of shattered dreams.

Maybe this man is so wrapped up in how everything affects him and his world, that he ignores the emotional upset he is causing. 

He has no interest in seeing what is happening behind him, he is the centre of his world and his dramas.  

At some point this man was the epitome of contentment, he was the fruition of our deepest desires, hopes becoming real, and dreams manifesting.

Somewhere along the way this changed and this wonderful feeling of a dream come true, of emotional fulfillment has become a feeling of complete emptiness, of emotions spilled or simply drained.  And yet there he sits pompous, self righteous and full of denial that he has caused this.  His back turned, determined not to look at the devastation and loss behind him.  Determined not to accept responsibility for his part in any of it.

Its a time to go back to the 8 of Cups and learn the lesson of walking away, leaving the emotional ties behind.  If the advice from the 8 of Cups had been followed in the first place then maybe the 9 of Cups reversed wouldn't have happened.

However it did and only then did I realise that 'getting your dreams, it's strange but it seems a little, well complicated'.  

  .

Parlour Games and Positive Movement

Hands outstretched and her vision obscured by the blindfold, she steps out cautiously, hoping to get a sense of where she is. 

Sometimes in life the only way to move forward is to go blindly, feeling for a touch of something solid to steady us as we go.  The inability to see what lies ahead can make the journey scary but it may be that we may cannot have the distraction of stopping to see what is around us.  If, like the woman in this card, your current place is one that is appealing, you may decide to not move anywhere and become stagnated in where you are.  If, however your surroundings are not so pleasant you would hurry yourself through to get away from it, and miss something important that you needed to find there.  

Some people will happily go along and enjoy the adventure, relishing the air of mystery, not knowing where they are going but happily explore wherever they are.

Some people are reluctant to move, but know that the blindfold will not come off if you don't even try.

Some peoples' blindfold is thrust upon them and have no choice but to participate and fumble about in fear and dread, but are then happily surprised that they found courage and strength in themselves to allow their lack of vision move them forward.

Then we have the ones who will stand on the spot, refuse to move, if they can't see where they are going they are not going to take the risk of falling or bumping into something for fear of hurting themselves.They fear they will end up somewhere unpleasant, that they will be made to look foolish, so they stay exactly where they are.

I think its all a part of life, instead of being focused on how something looks, we need to experience how something feels.  We need to sometimes have the courage to use all the other senses to guide us. 

In todays modern age we are bombarded by media images of what our lives should look like, The beautiful people with their beautiful families and homes, the fantastic successful careers they have.  

In reality what do these people feel.  Does the woman struggle with food issues in a bid to stay slim, is she constantly concerned by her looks and fear the first signs of age.  Is the man in her life spending vast amounts of time working out to keep that six pack, toned pecs and pert butt after a long day in a cut throat job that drains him mentally.  Are the children nurtured and having quality time with their parents or being pacified with material goods.  Life may look good but how does it feel.

If we stop just using our eyes to see where we are heading in life and allow ourselves to just take a 'leap of faith' and let our other senses take us where they will, we would possibly find a lot more satisfaction in where we find ourselves and the lessons we have learned.

If you have faith in your gut feeling, then you are not going to go wrong. 

Secrets and Shy

No card talk today, I've been doing some study work all day with them and I'm all tarot'd out.  Don't get me wrong, I could talk all day about tarot and oracles, however I have to give this old brain of mine a chance to recover or I'll end up going into over-drive.

So instead I'm going to let you in on a little secret about me.

Anybody who knows me in the physical world would describe me as loud, funny, quick witted, opinionated, friendly and out going. They are possibly flatteringly correct but in another way they are very wrong.  

These people who would use this kind of description of me are people who are close, trusted friends.  When I use the term 'trusted' they can wear that as a badge of honour, as I find trusting people extremely difficult.  All my close circle have something, very personal to me, in common with me, and these vary from friend to friend.

As a child I was very shy, I was brought up for the first five years of my life in a different country, my parents having emigrated when I was a baby.  I knew no extended family and my world consisted of my father, my mother and my brother.  After 5 years abroad, my parents came back to the U.K where I was thrust into a large family of aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents.  It was alien to me,  I was a very petite child, with a strong Australian accent, and these strange people would fuss around me, quick to point out how sweet I was with my white blonde hair and suntanned skin, I was, asking me to say things in my funny accent.  I hated every moment of the over the top attention.  To me, I was just me.

Being shy was no excuse, my mother would tell me to 'stop being so stupid', 'answer people when I was spoken to' and the cruelest one, stop being so pathetic'.  I had been taken away from everything I had known, bright sunny days, miles and miles of open land, and a rather middle class background and thrust into this grey, cold country, with what seemed like a grubby landscape of nothing but streets and houses.

Even in school I was treated like some strange being, the little blonde one with the funny accent, made to stand up and read in school assemblies, tell the other children about life in Australia, ad I ever seen a koala or a kangaroo. 

I was miserable and lost.  I had been cosseted by the exclusivity of my small family, where I could play in my fantasy world and imagination.  Now I was being told I had to behave differently.

Unfortunately my mother's remarks came back and bit her in the rear.  As I grew I became 'out going' and talkative, developed a strong regional accent, and my mother despaired of the monster she ad created. I had swung the pendulum way too far in the other direction and she was frequently embarrassed by my extrovert behaviour.

Recently, over the last year and a half, I feel I have come to terms with the reasons for this..... I AM AN INTROVERT.

I spent so many years being made to feel ashamed and uncomfortable with being and introvert, that I created an alter ego who was the complete opposite of who I truly am.  It was a mask I wore well, but was never comfortable with.

Why people think being an introvert is a weakness is beyond me.  I feel that it is the reason I am able to show empathy and compassion, find forgiveness, and accept my own faults.     

As I explained here here I am happy in my own company.  I am not anti social, I just do not feel comfortable in big social groups. Some people see me as being aloof, stand-offish, even as thinking myself above other people, these people couldn't be further from the truth.

If someone becomes my close friend, it has taken a while to get there,  It has usually taken them to share something personal with me that I can relate to that has been the catalyst in me trusting them as a friend.  

Even with the protection of hiding behind a computer screen does not change my introverted tendancies.  I have 43 fiends on facebook, this includes family  I never accept friend requests from friends of friends.  I am a member of a number of forums, yet will only post maybe once a week (on some it is less than that).  

So, you may think, why start a blog? why offer free readings?  Because I do like interacting with people, I enjoy listening to other peoples' stories, I too have a story, its called 'who I am'.  

As I try to find meaning to my life, I find writing it down helps me to view it objectively.  I have been told on several occasions that what I have lived, can also help and that I should write a book about my life (it wouldn't be believed if I did).  But this is my starting point.This is my little way of putting it out there.  And like an alcoholic at an A.A meeting I want to stand up and be accountable for what I am........I am Pisces Moon, and I am an introvert 


  

Selfishness, Solitude and the Single Girl

Oracle of the Shapeshifters

I notice when I travel around the various tarot forums I'm a member of, the number of posts from people wanting answers regarding their love lives, crushes, obsessions is enormous.

Now don't get me wrong, I have nothing against people wanting to find that one true love, but the amount of people who believe it is the be all and end all is frightening.  The general thinking is to just throw yourself in whole heartedly into having a partner, any partner and calling it love.  

I am of the belief that real deep love only comes through time, and is not something that happens after a 3 hour dinner date.But seriously, the amount of people who post on these boards with things such as 'How does he feel about me.... I went on a date 5 weeks ago with this guy and he hasn't called so I did a tarot spread.  I can't read the tarot cards but I think it meant he's in love with me, cos I love him'. (This is not an actual post, but you get the gist of what I'm saying). 

Call me an old fart if you wish, however I am a firm advocate of loving yourself first. Don't bring another person into your relationship with yourself until you have a firm foundation to build on.  I've read some horror stories of people who believe they are 'destined to be together' and then go on to describe the most horrific stories of distrust, jealousy, obsession, emotional abuse and at best dislike for the person they are having a 'relationship' with.  This to me just smacks of at best, low self esteem and at worst, sheer desperation.

I'm not mocking, I've been there, oh boy have I been there.  I've had some horrific 'relationships' that felt like love, However I can look back now and realise my self esteem was at rock bottom at the time.  My last relationship makes me want to hang my head in shame, but I won't bore you with details. 
We can be our own worst enemies when someone else is loading the bullets into the gun.

So why are people so afraid of being alone?  Do they dislike their own company?  I find people like this to be very shallow people.  How can you not like being alone with yourself?  How do you even know who you are if you are constantly being fed by other peoples' thoughts and opinions?  Or do these people not trust or like their own thoughts?

Being alone is not the same as being lonely.  You can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely if there is no connection there.  And I'm not even going to touch on loneliness as that is something totally different.

Being alone is a good time to think your own thoughts, get things straight in your head, even sing at the top of your tone deaf voice if you so wish, without someone telling you you're tone deaf.  So what if you are, to enjoy something doesn't mean being good at it.

Being alone makes you accountable for your every thought and action, its a brilliant time to reflect on your hopes, dreams, fears likes and dislikes.

This past 2 years has opened up so many different avenues to me, I have found things about myself that previously I had never noticed before.  My choice of reading material has totally changed, my political views are now different and I have a spiritual side of me that is developing in a way I would never have imagined.  Even my priorities are different now

I'm single by choice (yes, it is my first choice) and have been for a while.  I have no interest in finding someone to share my life with because I realised that until I found out who I truly was, and find enough reasons to love me, I couldn't expect someone else to love me.  I enjoy my time alone, I've become openly selfish, in that I don't want to have to think about 'us' just me.  I know by looking back, I have always had a selfish streak in me, I accept it and have no problem with integrating it as part of me.  I feel at this time in my life I need to be selfish.

I have become so much more at peace with my past, and accepting the negatives about myself.  I am happy with where my life is now.  I don't have someone projecting their issues on to me, making me feel I am unworthy of anything.  I do't even feel the need to socialise just because it is expected of me.  I'm a happy hermit.

So when I read all this anguish from others about either the desperate need for finding someone that loves them or that their one true love ( the 7th in a space of 2 years) is causing them hurt, I feel like replying,' Turn off Facebook, quit wearing Eau de Desperation and get a mirror.  Because reflected back is the one person who can truly love you for you, warts and all'.  You do not need any other person to validate you.  Only you can do that.

Right I'm back off to my cave in the wilderness to sing tunelessly very, very loudly.

A Page of Love

Tarot of the Hidden Realm(left to Right) VI The Lovers, Page of Wands, VIII Strength

I'm not ashamed to admit that 2 years ago I was looking over the edge of the abyss.  I was in a bad place emotionally and I could not see any hope.  I felt I was a bad person who had made some terrible choices and could see no way of fixing the mess I had made

Two years on I feel so different, and my life is taking twists and turns down paths I never imagined I'd walk.  After bad choices, came better decisions, made by me, about me and for me.  

Although other people had been dragged into my personal drama I realised that by making decisions based on what other people wanted from me could never resolve the crushing tornado of hatred in myself.  I would still have felt like I was letting people down, and caused resentment. The choices I made were for me.  They were what I wanted from heart level, I would not let ego get involved,it was just purely what my heart told me.

So today I did a 3 card draw just to check in with where I am right now, and I love how the cards can show that although it was a tough time my reward for my good decisions has been more than worth it, a thousandfold.

My interpretation of this reading is;

I have had choices to make from the heart, and that choice has led to a deep loving connection to our Page of Wands.  

This card always signifies my grandson, who I absolutely adore and could not imagine my life without. The Page of wands is an active, inquisitive child, always on the go, like a whirlwind of energy, just like my little Button.   

 As he is looking towards The Lovers card, with a mischievous smile, it shows that the loving bond is reciprocated (and anyone who knows us as a family would probably agree). 

What the Page brings to the situation is Strength,  He has his back to the strength card, and thus he is unaware that this is his gift.

I can say from my position today that this young boy as no idea of the impact he has had on my life.  He has changed how I view myself and my world.  He has been the catalyst for my recovery, the little beam of light that was the warning beacon near the edge of that abyss, guiding me away from falling back down it.

This is not to say that I feel anything less towards my children, however when I felt that I was nothing but a disappointment to them, this little boy with his golden curls and heart melting smile has shown me that I have, and always did have the strength to be true to myself, to know I could make better choices and keep going, moving forward and believe in myself again.

I love how tarot can sometimes give us the little pat on the back, a metal 'high five', and reminds us that we're just where we need to be.

5 Coins and A Bit of Attitude

5 of Pentacles (L) Legacy of the Divine Tarot, (R) Tarot of the Hidden Realm.

I like how different tarot decks can bring different interpretations to the same card.  The example I am going to use is the 5 of Pentacles.  It is a card of ‘being down on your luck, of hard times and despair.

In Legacy of the Divine we see a woman begging, with a look on her face that is meant to instil pity in us.  However I feel it is a ‘poor me’, self-pity look, it is the face of someone who feels she has nothing, and nobody,  not even hope or a shoulder to lean on.   

If she could realise that behind her is the light of hope; that it isn’t all bad and the situation is not going to last forever then maybe she would not looks so hopeless, destitute and alone.  She does not need to be begging for help as the answer is there if she just looks behind her, indicating that a different direction or way of thinking would possibly resolve the problem.

I think we all have that one friend / acquaintance that, no matter what, is always full of woe, ‘the Wednesday child’.  It makes no matter if they had a winning lottery ticket in their hand, it would still be something to complain about.  They may feel their disappointments in life are not understood by anyone.  Yet they somehow fail to rejoice in their successes, they don’t reflect when they are having a tough time that there have been times of happiness, abundance and love. The ‘why me?’ mentality doesn’t wash with me, not when my beloved dad was diagnosed with a terminal illness at aged 39 and when my mother was bereft asking ‘Why us?’  My father’s dignified response was ‘Why not us?’.

In Tarot of the Hidden Realm’s depiction of the 5 of Pentacles, we see two young women, destitute, yet gaining comfort from each other.  They look cold, hungry and full of despair yet they both look as if they are reflecting on what has brought them to this place, how this has happened and hoping for an ending to it.

The figure on the left of the card looks as if she is knows it’s just a period of waiting, of letting things take their course, if they can hold out for that long.  And if they have each other then things will be more bearable.

As in life, we also have friends who will go through our tough times with us.  Some have been there themselves and can advise and sympathise.  Others are just feeling our pain and it gives them the opportunity to reflect on something that has brought some pain or difficulty in their life and possibly deal with unresolved issues in themselves.  These are our treasures when we have nothing else.   

Having that shoulder to lean on, to give an embrace when you feel so lost is sometimes the one thing that can keep us going?  And who hasn’t had that friend who has told you ‘things will look better in the morning’?  Because one morning,  it will.

8 of Cups and a Cylinder Head Gasket

8 of Cups Legacy of the Divine

Sometimes we just have to cut our losses and walk away.  It may be hard when we have invested so much into it and don’t want to feel like it was time and energy wasted.  But do you really want to keep wasting that time and energy.  Do you still have enough to give without losing yourself to a lost cause?

Over the last couple of days I have had to take a long hard look at myself to see if my situation was worth putting effort into when it was no longer working for me.

The 8 of Cups advises us to do just that.

When there is emotional investment, it can seem that we should just keep walking the same path as the idea of turning away can feel like we invalidate everything that has gone before.

But by staying with something that no longer works for us we start just going through the motions, we do it and know there is no joy at the end of it. We do it, knowing we are unfulfilled and we then start to resent it.  This, in turn, can start to eat away at us; it can start to become a burden.  Why do we do this to ourselves?

If you had money invested in that was consistently losing you money, you wouldn’t keep adding money to it.  You would hot foot your money out and put it somewhere safer.  Yet we do this with emotions and think that by keep working on it, things will improve.

Think of each act of love as a pound, a euro or a dollar, what percentage of interest are you getting back? Or are you sitting in negative equity?

Put that act of love where it is going to work for you.  Invest it in yourself.

Over the last couple of days I have felt the yo-yo of what I should do for the best, what is best for me.  And I have made that decision, as much as it will be hard to walk away, I have fond memories of when things were working, but unfortunately my car is going to the scrap yard.  I shall be sorry to see it go but I know it is for the best and I know something better will come along